tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-79286204562417183832024-02-19T09:08:53.299-07:00Mid Life MommyOne wild summer, lots of drinking and being stupid and wala, Baby and me makes 2. Introducing Toots. Life as I knew it is over, thank God. My darling daughter has woke me up to "LIFE" and all it was meant to be.Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06587186690785139860noreply@blogger.comBlogger152125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7928620456241718383.post-49379594165783080122011-04-18T08:36:00.000-07:002011-04-18T08:36:34.196-07:00Brutality at its Finest!Well folks, the time has come to say good bye to this blog. I no longer feel like being a hypocrite. I am sick of lying to myself and all of you! I talk a big game about how I am working on making myself a better person. I talk about how I want to have inner peace and health and how far I have come over the years. Well guess what? I have been lying to everyone. I have changed nothing for the better. In fact, I may be worse off. I took something great and made it bad. I created issues that didn’t need to be there so that I can prove to myself that people don’t stay. I am only mad at myself for not being able to fix me, for not really getting healthy and for putting a great person through my issues. <br />
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It is time once again to focus on my daughter, finding a job and myself. I need to stop faking health in a blog and start figuring out why I do the shit that I do. I literally hate who I am right now. I hate that I can’t fix me. I hate that I am not worthy of being happy. I hate that happy makes me uncomfortable. I hate that my daughter has anger issues that I am positive she has got from watching me. Right now, unfortunately, I hate most of everything ME! <br />
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Don’t worry, I am a strong person. I will come out of this and get my shit together, but for now I really need to focus on getting real with myself. I have to fix me before I destroy anything or anyone else. I need to figure out why I feel the need to control people into loving me. <br />
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I love all of you and what I have learned from you all, and I am sure I will be around still trying to learn from you, but for now it is good bye. I will be shutting this down within the next two weeks. Thanks for all of your love and support over the years. You have been great friends.Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06587186690785139860noreply@blogger.com40tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7928620456241718383.post-82434741023011858982011-04-06T13:20:00.000-07:002011-04-06T13:20:44.505-07:00I don't want to suck at this anymore!!!!!!!!!!!Relationships are and always have been a difficult thing for me. My parents didn’t give me anything healthy to go by that is for sure. Over the years, I have picked a lot of guys that would give me the same kind of dysfunctional relationship that I was used to and was represented to me as a child. I guess I have formed a very unhealthy pattern over the years that I want to break but am having a difficult time doing so. <br />
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It seems like over the last 10 years, I have gone after the newness and when that is gone, I move on or create conflict so that the other person will do the moving on and I don’t have to take the blame.<br />
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However, I am older and wiser and know that I want so much more. I have found a man that can and does give me the health that I want and need from a relationship. <br />
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And yet…<br />
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Here I am trying to ruin it. <br />
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Things are not bad yet, however it seems like I am trying hard to make them go that way. My man is kind and shows me every day how much he loves me and somehow, I find something wrong, something to create a fight over. He truly is a man/gentleman in every sense of the word. He has morals and values and passions and shows me that I am important to him. I know how lucky I am and I don’t want to ruin it, so what in my brain causes me to destroy good things? Don’t I think I deserve to be happy? This is killing me and could possibly kill my relationship if I don’t get a grip. I have to figure this out before I destroy something that could be, actually is great. <br />
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I have done a ton of personal work over the last few years, and in some areas of my life it shows tremendously. In this area, a very important area to me, it seems I am REALLY struggling. I haven’t felt this way or respected someone this much for as long as I can remember. He makes me want to be a better person and not only that, but he tells me every day that I am a good person and that I am lovable. Why can’t I believe it and let it be?Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06587186690785139860noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7928620456241718383.post-85741696092446678582011-03-04T17:27:00.004-07:002011-03-04T17:29:14.433-07:00Geesh, where have you all been?Well, it has been a while. It seems like this not working stuff is busier for me than a 40 hour a week job. I can’t figure out where all of my time is going. I have slacked on writing posts and reading. Please forgive me I am trying to get better. I miss all of you!<br />
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If you follow me on Facebook you know that I am giddy happy with my new guy. I hate posting about relationships since it seems to be the kiss of death for me, but I think/no I am sure that this one is different. He is a keeper and is sticking! We talk about everything. Things that bother us are easy to communicate about and move on from. I am feeling safe and cherished for the first time in my life. Sure there have been some small issues, but we talk about them. We work through them and we seem to come out better. <br />
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One thing that we have both noticed is how I am on the phone. It is really our only source of contention. <br />
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I seem to be amazingly happy and secure when we are together. No issues, and then, we talk on the phone and I seem to get a chip on my shoulder. He says he feels like I am on the defensive almost every time we talk on the phone. I have been wracking my brain trying to figure out why it is that I do this. I can be sitting there so excited for him to call, bragging about how wonderful he is to my mom and then I answer the phone and BAMM, I get an attitude for the silliest reason. It is so ridiculous. <br />
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I wonder if it is some sort of control issue or insecurity??? I just can’t put my finger on it, but I know I do it. Anyone else have phone issues with their significant other? <br />
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If anyone suggests that I don’t talk on the phone, I will fly to where ever you are and beat you bloody with my happy stick! I know a few of you will be tempted! LOL<br />
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Anyhow, I do miss all of you!Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06587186690785139860noreply@blogger.com25tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7928620456241718383.post-54901490730132202362011-02-16T08:09:00.002-07:002011-02-16T08:09:45.759-07:00Blessings in Disguise?????Well, it is finally happening. My office is shutting down and I am one of about 3 people left, but alas tomorrow is my final day here. I have mixed feelings. I have been here for 3 years and for the most part have no complaints. We all seem to have found our niche together and things just go smooth but we don’t have any work and you can’t very well keep something afloat when there aren’t any dollars coming in. <br />
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Every one is telling me that it is a blessing in disguise. It is my chance to go back to school and find something that I love instead of just being ok with. I agree. I have always loved the medical field and have already registered at the local community college. Summer classes start in May so I am going to be hanging out enjoying my time with my daughter for a few months. <br />
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That may prove to be the death of me. LOL<br />
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Many of you received an email with my new email address. I am adding it to my blog too. You can always reach me at my midlifemommy07 at yahoo dot com addy! <br />
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I feel blessed that I have this opportunity right now and that I have family and friends that support my decision. <br />
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Life is good for me in so many ways right now. I am excited for this new chapter in my life. <br />
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So, here is to 2011, all this year has become so far and what possibilities that are yet to come!<br />
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*Clink*Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06587186690785139860noreply@blogger.com24tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7928620456241718383.post-7298502266552906272011-02-09T09:33:00.002-07:002011-02-09T09:33:59.187-07:00Trying to let go!I am a bit of a hypocrite sometimes. My girlfriend called me the other night because her and her boyfriend had split up. She was a wreck because she said something mean to him and he left. He said he was done and wouldn’t take her calls and it had been a couple of days since she talked to him. She told me that she was going to turn it over to God and let him decide what would happen. I went ballistic. I believe in God, really I do. I am not one to pray on things though. I told her that God wasn’t going to call and tell him that she was sorry and that she was wrong to say what she said. God wasn’t going to let him know that he is a good man and that she was being silly. God wasn’t going to tell him that she wanted another chance to show him that she really does love him. I told her that God may lead and guide you or even make the final decision but she has to make an effort. She has to make her wrongs right. <br />
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Then... <br />
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While listening to “A Return to Love”, the author said that sometimes you have to let go of all expectations and let “him” do his job. Put it in his hands because he will not let you down. I choose to believe that this means “let things that you have no control over find their own way in the universe”. “What is meant to happen will happen”. I want to learn this. I want to hand it over and let someone else decide. I get that I still have to do the background work/leg work but wouldn’t it be nice to be so at peace with not worrying what the outcome of situation will be. To have so much faith in what ever happens will happen because it is meant to. I want to believe in this.Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06587186690785139860noreply@blogger.com25tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7928620456241718383.post-83963338455371705002011-02-03T08:58:00.000-07:002011-02-03T08:58:19.368-07:00So very giddy!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKjy6Va8cydpoG5xkwSGPvopY3l1n7ndT12hqdw8u_tLPDHsWJ87VB869urMg7nDrQKFkITHp1gt9n58IT8ZHETt0a4JOvX3vVRjVC1l9uYrR4wI20DsuSxw8mxq5z0zPEsJpFBbv6nT0/s1600/blog+pic.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" s5="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKjy6Va8cydpoG5xkwSGPvopY3l1n7ndT12hqdw8u_tLPDHsWJ87VB869urMg7nDrQKFkITHp1gt9n58IT8ZHETt0a4JOvX3vVRjVC1l9uYrR4wI20DsuSxw8mxq5z0zPEsJpFBbv6nT0/s1600/blog+pic.JPG" /></a></div>OMG!!!!! *SWOOOOOOOOON* <br />
See, choose to be happy and look what happens.Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06587186690785139860noreply@blogger.com21tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7928620456241718383.post-74640865662123182972011-01-24T11:54:00.000-07:002011-01-24T11:54:23.163-07:00Thanks for listening!I think the universe is starting to hear me. Things feel good right now and here is a few of the reasons why!<br />
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I took my daughter to a group of specialists to make sure she is where she needs to be on all levels. (Recommended from her ped about her speech at her 3 year old check up). They all thought she was amazing, polite and a lot of fun to be around. She passed with flying colors in all areas. Heh doc!<br />
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I received two checks in the mail last week from an old Insurance Company that I used at least 7 years ago. My mom is financially struggling right now and I gave her most of it. It was a nice surprise, but nothing I expected and came at a nice time for my mom. <br />
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This one may sound strange, but my company may be closing its doors in the next few months. I have been here for 3 years and really don’t have any complaints nor do I want to be unemployed. But, I have wanted to go to school and this just may be the perfect opportunity to do so. It may just be the kick in the ass that I need to make a change.<br />
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When I had the realization that I date unavailable men, something really clicked for me. It is like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders in all aspects of my life. I feel more confident and happy about my choices. I feel lighter. I feel like I am capable of having a healthy relationship. It is my choice and I am choosing to be happy. I am happy right now! <br />
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I had an amazing weekend and all because I am starting to make the right choices. Good choices. I think the universe sees this and is helping me out and sending me amazing things!Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06587186690785139860noreply@blogger.com32tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7928620456241718383.post-69073440549404130072011-01-12T09:40:00.000-07:002011-01-12T09:40:27.276-07:00I must be on the right track if I am loved as much as a monkey. Right?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFNcPluOojB6P3tuPLd4hwoYmCMjsLevFPzQyZGba9rpTqKHxcr_QpfCaGJlWDD0Wu0ZdIfiuKAcrISdQTp3YLGcrWFry0M2gkaLQmMCv5X5GrBOTt8m1xcZichbirDLmLdf8f47aASNQ/s1600/monkeyLove%255B1%255D.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="196" n4="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFNcPluOojB6P3tuPLd4hwoYmCMjsLevFPzQyZGba9rpTqKHxcr_QpfCaGJlWDD0Wu0ZdIfiuKAcrISdQTp3YLGcrWFry0M2gkaLQmMCv5X5GrBOTt8m1xcZichbirDLmLdf8f47aASNQ/s200/monkeyLove%255B1%255D.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>It has been so overwhelming to me that I have so far to go and so much to work on in this journey to get healthy. I think I have said 1000bazillionand3 times that I don’t even know where to start because I am so screwed up. For every realization that I have, 50 things surrounding it pop up. I realized today that if I look at it like that, I will never be able to start or move forward with it. It is way too much for me to put my hands around. It is way too much for my brain to grasp. I have actually made myself sick thinking about where to start, to go next and then where to go from there. I get dizzy when I have an aha moment because it leads to more and more realizations. <br />
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So, I have realized that I have been going about this “fix me” shit all wrong. I need to start living in the now, for this moment since really, it is all I can control. I just realized that I can’t fix everything that I did wrong in the past and I can’t worry about what I can’t control in the future. All I can do is live my life right this second and deal with issues and situations as they arise. I can do some preparation work so that I keep my eyes open to things. I can take things in little pieces and work on them when they happen. <br />
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Here are some small things that happen daily that I am getting a grasp on:<br />
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I realized that I think about what is going to happen in the future so much, that I become disappointed when it doesn’t happen as I thought or hoped should. So now when a thought pops into my head that doesn’t deal with right now, I try to bring myself back to this minute. <br />
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I never knew how judgmental and negative I was until I became more aware of my thoughts. I catch myself judging and going to the negative about all kinds of people and things including myself. Now though, when I catch myself, I stop, tell myself that I am being judgmental or negative and change my thought process about what ever it was. This is not easy because it is completely reprogramming my brain on something that I didn’t even realize I did so much but I am seeing it now and working on reprogramming my thinking process. <br />
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I care so much what other people think that sometimes it controls me. Last night my daughter was acting up in public and I got angry with how I “thought” other people were thinking of my parenting ability. When I got in my car and realized how upset I was and took a deep breath. I realized that I KNOW THAT I AM A GOOD MOM. I know my daughter is loving, funny and smart, AND... I know that she is three. We had a trying rest of the evening too, but I handled it better than normal and we went to bed with a huge kiss, hug and “mommy I love you sooooooooo much like a monkey”<br />
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I am on the right track. I may derail a lot on my travels, but I am on the right track!Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06587186690785139860noreply@blogger.com26tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7928620456241718383.post-29042045144784678242011-01-06T08:48:00.000-07:002011-01-06T08:48:05.914-07:00Excuses be Gone!Holy eye opening experiences lately! Things are just coming at me really quickly right now. I am almost tempted to duck!<br />
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I realized last night that I am enabling Guy#4 to go through a shitty guy phase. I have been telling him that it is all ok because he is going through a phase and we all know how big of a heart he has. I am allowing him to excuse away his shittyness. I am excusing away his shittyness. I am holding on to what he was or what he could be. He is not that good guy right now and I am allowing it to continue instead of being a real friend and telling him to STOP the EXCUSES and become who he is and can be! He has it in him to be that man again. I believe that with all of my heart but he has to choose it and he has to stop making excuses for why he is not right now! NO MORE!!!!! It is not ok for me to do it and it is not ok for him to do it and stay in my life. <br />
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The madness stops now with me! I need to stop fixing everyone else and making excuses for them so they will reciprocate the favor. IT NEVER HAPPENS THAT WAY. <br />
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Ummmmm, it is never ok to shit on other people and then excuse it away because you are “messed up” right now and trying to figure yourself out. I have done it recently and it is not ok for me to do or anyone else that is in my life to do. <br />
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I do this with every guy I date. I want to see the good in people so much that I look past all of the red flags and signs and boundaries that I should have in place. If I “fix” them, then they will love me or if I excuse their shitty behavior then they will excuse my past shitty behavior. Or, I like that they are shitty because then they won’t mind me being shitty. F@*k the excuses and be the good person! <br />
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Shewwwww, now that I have gotten that out, I need to actually figure out how to put it in place and become very strict in holding to it!Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06587186690785139860noreply@blogger.com26tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7928620456241718383.post-4669041359083407492010-12-29T09:04:00.000-07:002010-12-29T09:04:34.630-07:00Maybe not A Return to Love, but a start!I was reading <a href="http://mommasunshine.wordpress.com/2010/12/23/love-is-the-answer/">Mommasunshine </a>the other day and she mentioned a quote from a book that she is reading called “A Return to Love”. The quote hit me too and so I went online and bought the audio book. I am about one third of the way through it and am amazed at how much this book is hitting on some very core issues with me. <br />
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The first one and the most profound one that hit me is that “I choose unavailable men”. I am looking back over the years at all of the men that I have “dated or been involved with” and I see now that ALL of them have been unavailable to ME in some way. Seriously, this is HUGE for me to realize. It takes some of the fear that “I suck at relationships” out of how I think. Let me explain... If they are unavailable, how could I have had a healthy, mutual relationship with them? So, I may not suck as bad as I thought I did at relationships after all. At least that is how I am going to forgive myself for the crappy relationships that I have had and start moving forward. I need to look more into why I pick unavailable men and what that says about me. I must be unavailable or undeserving. Now, this makes sense to me. It is disturbing, but makes a ton of sense. <br />
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At least now I have something closer to the truth to work on fixing and I can stop saying that I suck at relationships. I haven’t given anyone or myself a chance because I am somehow unavailable and choosing people from that place of fear. <br />
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So, looking back at the last 4 guys in my life, this is what I see. <br />
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Guy #1- Liked me but did not want to date someone with a child. NOW I wouldn’t give him a second look, but at the time, I feel like I may have been desperate to just have someone like me and want to hang out. My thoughts were that I could make him like me so much that he would have no choice but to love my daughter. NOW, I see that he was never going to really date me and I had some sort of comfort in that. <br />
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Guy #2-This is my STBX. I have known him for years and have known that he is emotionally unavailable. I knew this and yet I thought that I was different and that he would magically open up to me because, well, I am me. He loved my daughter and he wanted to take care of us. NOW I see that he was unavailable to me emotionally and I found some weird sense of comfort in that. When it was happening I was miserable and wanted that connection, or did I really. I may have just liked the fact that it was any easy excuse to get out when things got tough. <br />
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Guy #3- This guy had a girlfriend. (PLEASE DON’T HATE ME I ALREADY DO ENOUGH OF THAT FOR MYSELF) I knew from the beginning that this wouldn’t work and that I would hate myself more for getting involved in it and yet, he treated me like a queen and said and did all of the right stuff. He left his girlfriend and I started the sabotage game right away. NOW I see that I liked him when someone else had him and I had to compete, but when he gave me his all, I wanted to make him hate me. Guess who he is back with? <br />
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Guy #4- This is the guy that I alluded to in my post the other day. Here is the deal and what this book made me see in myself. He is unavailable right now. He is working through some serious life issues right now and doesn’t want to go into a relationship with that baggage. He really likes me and wants more than a rebound or a feel better fix. He wants to wait, get to know each other first while he is sorting things out and then see what could happen between us. This is great to me and very healthy on his part. He has a heart of gold and I know that when he gives his love to someone, it is real and deep. When he gets healthy, he is the kind of man that any woman would kill to have love her. He is true and real and caring.<br />
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But... am I attracted to knowing that someday we could be great, or am I attracted to the fact that he is unavailable right now? I know that with him, I have that same uncomfortable “I want more because he isn’t giving it freely” feeling that I have in all of my past relationships. This feeling is the common denominator in all of my relationships that has made me feel like “I really do like this guy”. Gawd that is sick! <br />
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I know that I want the real thing. I know that sharing the real me with someone and having them stick is something that I really do want. I want deep, soul touching and forever. Something inside me is telling me that I don’t deserve that though. <br />
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I do know that figuring this out is one step closer to getting that real thing.Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06587186690785139860noreply@blogger.com22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7928620456241718383.post-5302635329444734092010-12-27T09:18:00.001-07:002010-12-27T09:21:13.774-07:00Giving from the heart or from the ego?Christmas is about <a href="http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com/2010/12/giving.html">giving</a> and <a href="http://lifesclassroom.blogspot.com/2010/12/giving.html">T</a> did a post recently about that subject that brought back a memory that made me really think. It was actually very uncomfortable for me and not just because the situation was intense and angry, but because it made me step back and question why I do things. Why I give/do things for others? Do I give/do things for selfish reasons or do I give/do things from the heart.<br />
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Situation: I went to a gym for a quick cardio work out and because I was in a slight hurry I went to a different, closer gym than I usually go to. Now if you are a frequent gym user you will get me when I say that there is a comfort in “my gym”. I am used to it, know where everything is and have a real sense of comfort there. This was not “my” gym. I do not like this particular gym and for no real reason at all. So, that has all lead up to the fact that I may have had a slight attitude walking in.<br />
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As I was walking in with my 3 year old daughter, I held the door, well actually 2 doors open for another women walking in. So she actually let me hold the door open for her twice and did not once thank me. This is a huge pet peeve of mine. I was taught that people don’t have to do something for me, so when they do, you thank them. So I, being a smart ass with no sense of keeping my mouth shut and accepting other peoples up bringing, I blurt out “YOUR WELCOME”! <br />
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This didn’t go over well with her. In front of my daughter, she got right in my face and told me that if I am doing things for a thanks, that it is not coming from the heart and I am doing it for selfish reasons. She asked me if I gave any thought to what she might be going through that day. She said she was in a bad place and wasn’t thinking about anyone else and if I was doing something nice for her without selfishness, I would have seen that her mind was somewhere else and not just unthankful. <br />
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Now in the heat of the moment, I went off about how I was raised to be appreciative and to always thank someone that didn’t owe you that niceness in the first place. That I am trying to show and raise my daughter to respect others, blah, blah, blah.<br />
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Then, I walked away and nearly broke down. I thought about what might have been going on in her world at that moment. I thought about the fact that I was brought up to hold doors for others and it is now a habit. It probably doesn’t come from the heart as much any more. How many times have I been in my own mind and done something not so respectful to someone. I didn’t mean to do it. I probably didn’t even know I did it, but if someone would have called me out on it at the time, I may have gone postal or maybe broke down. <br />
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It really made me think about why I do things for others. Is it selfish, a habit, or a true heartfelt reason? I think that by me thinking about it so much has made me more aware and I have realized that most of what I do is from the heart. I am working on the rest. <br />
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This happened months ago and I think that if I saw this woman now, I would buy her a coffee or maybe... give her a hug!Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06587186690785139860noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7928620456241718383.post-82997554047086846892010-12-15T08:19:00.000-07:002010-12-15T08:19:57.804-07:00Growth is Painful BusinessLately I have been writing about all of the stuff that I fear, that I want to and need to change about myself, and that I don’t like about myself and it has been a little draining I must say. I am sure reading about it is worse. *apologetic smile*. I am sure as an outsider looking in it seems as though my life is pretty gloomy right now.<br />
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Well, the funny thing about that is that I am actually feeling pretty good these days. <br />
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I have a job right now and although they cut my hours so that I now have Fridays off, which means less money, (not good). That also means a three day weekend every week and I can’t tell you how nice that has been. <br />
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A few of my friends have really stepped up lately and shown me what friendship is all about. When the chips are down, my friends are there. That in it’s self makes me one hell of a lucky girl. <br />
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My family is healthy and we really don’t have any drama. We are all really looking forward to Christmas this year since my daughter is starting to understand it. I can not wait to see her face Christmas morning.<br />
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My STBX and I have really found our good place. We work well together now that we aren’t living in the same house. I think that we are going to be very good friends and that makes everything less stressful.<br />
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Ok, here is a big one for me to admit since I don’t talk about my dating life on here much. I have met someone that I think could be the real deal at some point. We are starting out as friends, no, really just friends. There has been NO physical and a whole lot of mental going on. It is nice for right now. We both need time to figure are own stuff out and want to do that before we start anything. So in the mean time, we are getting to know each other as friends. Holy Cow, what a novel concept. *Shut it Mindymom* LOL<br />
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Anyhow, that last paragraph gives me a whole other post and some huge fears surrounding it that will be coming soon, but for now, I am enjoying some mental peace even though my writing has felt quite contrary to that. I think that you have to feel some pain if you really want to grow. Boy, I must be doing a whole lot of growing! *Geesh*Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06587186690785139860noreply@blogger.com24tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7928620456241718383.post-16618405585428717952010-12-13T11:19:00.000-07:002010-12-13T11:19:31.742-07:00Mirror mirrorI am not trying to get compliments with this post. I am simply stating how I feel even if I know how ridiculous it sounds. There is a part of me hoping that we as a society can stop the younger generation from feeling this way. I know that I am not alone in my struggle with my body image. <br />
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One of my <a href="http://elastamom.com/2010/11/03/help-me-help-myself/">favorite bloggers</a> did a post recently on how her self image affects her. <br />
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As I was reading it, a light went off and I realized “holy shit” I do the exact same thing and it can literally predetermine how my whole day will go and how I interact with others. <br />
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I obsess about how I look, how fat I feel and how I am not as perfect as I would like to be or as perfect as I perceive the girl next to me to be. There are days when I look in the mirror and want to scratch my eyes out. There are days when I am feeling bloated and fat and I want to hide. <br />
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Since I can’t do that, I come out swinging. <br />
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I will pick fights with people I love just because my pants are too tight that day. I will have zero patience with my daughter just because my arms don’t look tone in the sleeveless shirt I am wearing. I will yell at a co-worker because my hair is too frizzy that day. If I am dating someone and I think the girl next to me looks better, OMG, they won’t even know what hit them. I won’t come out and say, hey, I am feeling insecure. Instead I will either get mad at something else or just clam up. <br />
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I don’t think I even realized that I do this to the extent that it happens until I read her post. My perceived appearance literally controls me every single minute of my day. <br />
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In my head I know this is ridiculous and yet I can’t stop myself from the self hatred. <br />
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She mentioned in her post that she can pinpoint the moment that she started to feel this way and when I look back at my child hood that moment is not so obvious to me. However, I do remember from a very early age, I am guessing 7 or 8 years old being very conscious of how I looked to other people. It seems like the more attractive I made myself, the more positive attention I received. Obviously, that is perceived positive attention, but in a way, I do think that society treats “beautiful” people better. My girlfriend in Jr. High was amazingly beautiful and I was always envious of how she was treated. Girls wanted to be her friend and every guy wanted to date her. Even the teachers treated her different, better. I realize now that I was always more insecure around her than some of my other friends. Why do we do this???? Why do we put external beauty on a pedestal?<br />
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Why can I not see what others tell me? When am I going to see what others do? When am I going to allow myself to appreciate all of my hard work? When am I going to see the real me and not what the mirror shows me?Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06587186690785139860noreply@blogger.com21tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7928620456241718383.post-6044378624212386392010-12-08T07:30:00.000-07:002010-12-08T07:30:29.905-07:00I can do this.OK, now to offset my list of fears. It amazes me that it took me all of about 20 minutes to compose that list and about 3 months to compose this one. I literally started this months ago when I was seeing a therapist. I did notice that this is a longer list than my fear list though. Me thinks that is a very good sign. <br />
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I have to start this process somewhere. The talking myself into it if you will.<br />
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1) I am independent and can survive alone.<br />
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2) I am street smart.<br />
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3) I am very loving when I want to be. My daughter sees it everyday.<br />
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4) I am a good friend to those close to me. I will always be there for you.<br />
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5) I am very respectful of people. I always say please, thank you, excuse me, etc…<br />
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6) I am polite. I would give up my seat in a heart beat. I hold doors and allow others to go first, etc…<br />
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7) I am giving. I would give someone that I care about my last dollar. <br />
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8) I am responsible. I do what I say when I say I will do it.<br />
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9) I have very good work ethic. <br />
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10) I am strong. Physically and mentally. It takes a lot to break me. <br />
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11) I am athletic. The people that have seen me play soccer may disagree. Lol<br />
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12) I am a cute girl and I present myself as classy as I can. <br />
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13) I try very hard to be a good mom. She always knows that I am here for her and that I will unconditionally love her.<br />
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14) No matter how down I am, I always know that there is a brighter day just around the corner.<br />
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15) I can fit in with almost any crowd and with all kinds of people. <br />
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16) I am able to see my own faults. I may not be able to control them yet, but I do know that they are there and it does not bother me when someone calls me out on them.<br />
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17) I am honest. Brutally<br />
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18) I have very thick skin.<br />
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19) I can be a fun person.<br />
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20) I am resourceful.<br />
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21) I always get through it. No matter what it is? <br />
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22) I can stand up for myself.<br />
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23) I have a lot of long term friends.<br />
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24) People remember me. This one surprises me but people remember me for some reason.<br />
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25) I can get past things and move on. I don't hold a grudge.<br />
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26) I am not a victim.<br />
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27) I am humble.<br />
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I plan on adding much much more as I grow. I am going to love myself if it kills me!Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06587186690785139860noreply@blogger.com26tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7928620456241718383.post-9183497240740705032010-12-06T09:02:00.000-07:002010-12-06T09:02:05.716-07:00Getting a grip on fear.Here I am again, not knowing where to begin. So I guess I just start writing my fears down and go from there. <br />
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1) I fear being left.<br />
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2) I fear being hurt.<br />
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3) I fear being cheated on.<br />
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4) I fear being happy because I know it is just a matter of time before that will change. <br />
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5) I fear that I will let my daughter down by not teaching her to be healthy mentally.<br />
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6) I fear what other people think of me.<br />
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7) I fear being alone forever.<br />
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8) I fear never being really loved by a man.<br />
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9) I fear my anger.<br />
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10) I fear my insecurities.<br />
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11) I fear my controlling behavior.<br />
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12) I fear figuring out how to love myself and that I will never be able to fully do it. <br />
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13) I fear becoming my father.<br />
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14) I fear becoming my grandmother.<br />
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15) I fear getting fat.<br />
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16) I fear getting old.<br />
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17) I fear being judged. <br />
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18) I fear that fate is paying me back for all of the crap I have done in my life.<br />
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19) I fear that I will never be financially independent on others. <br />
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20) I fear that I will ruin every relationship that I have by fearing all of this. <br />
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I realize that everyone has fears. I realize that we can become stronger by looking straight into the eye of fear and denying it. My fears are beating me right now. They are getting the best of me and I can’t get control of them. They are causing me to ruin things that could have been good if it weren’t for fear of ruining them. <br />
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I am creating my own fears and then letting them do exactly what I fear the most. <br />
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So now what?Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06587186690785139860noreply@blogger.com25tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7928620456241718383.post-47422800159726102502010-11-30T07:04:00.000-07:002010-11-30T07:04:39.125-07:00Damn you guys ROCK!OK, so WOW! That is how I feel about all of you right now. The comments on my last post are why I blog! The support is amazing and humbling and ass kicking. I need it, I love it, and I want some more of it! Sorry for going all country on your asses for a second there. <br />
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Here is the deal. I am a self proclaimed ME hater. I don’t want pity, I want to change. Everything that I do “bad” in my life stems from me not loving myself. Years and years of doing things that I would hate someone else for doing have resulted in me truly not liking me. I know that my childhood provided me with a lot of anger and self loathing too so it is time to clear that shit out and make room for some positive. Some warm fuzzies for me! <br />
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So for now, this blog is going to get really ugly! I have always tried to keep it up beat and positive but I am fooling myself. I am an honest person, sometimes to a fault but unfortunately I haven’t been honest to myself. I am going to use this site as an outlet and hope that it helps me grow. I am sure that I will run some people off if I am as raw as I need to be. I am sorry in advance. Hopefully I will be able to get back to sunshine and roses soon. <br />
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So bear with me if you can. Don’t sugar coat comments if necessary. Please be as honest and raw back at me if you can. I need the good and the bad. I need to get real with myself and fix this shit NOW!Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06587186690785139860noreply@blogger.com30tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7928620456241718383.post-81409552563752686252010-11-16T13:00:00.002-07:002010-11-16T13:00:53.106-07:00Silence is better than blah!Well it has been about a month since I last posted and I am loosing followers by the day. I am at a major crossroads in my life right now and not sure that blogging is helping me anymore. I don’t want to be a downer every time I log in so I have just chosen to not post. If you have nothing good to say, don’t say anything at all. So I have gone silent. <br />
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I can’t bring myself to posting about my life. Every time something good comes along, I ruin it. It is like I don’t want to or feel like I am worthy of being happy. I can’t fix it either. I try. I know what I do and yet when I act, I destroy. It never fails. I open my mouth and I sabotage everything good. <br />
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So for now, I am still reading and commenting if I can but I am not posting until I see some light.Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06587186690785139860noreply@blogger.com30tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7928620456241718383.post-30921941997370090502010-10-18T06:56:00.000-07:002010-10-18T06:56:56.358-07:00Gettin there!Virgo Love Horoscope for the Week of October 18<br />
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October 17, 2010 By Michelle Piller Leave a Comment <br />
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Kiss ‘em goodbye: all of the self-recriminations, the mind games, the shoulda’s and the coulda’s. Buh-bye. A new and feistier sense of identity is emerging from a space deep within. It’s hardier than the ego you’re accustomed to wearing, and it’s born from all of the bits and pieces of yourself that you’ve never known what to do with. Don’t worry; the new you gradually coming out of its cocoon isn’t nearly as Frankenstein-like as I’ve made it out to be. I’m just trying to alert you to the fact that every aspect of you is valuable, even those you’re trying to change.<br />
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I need to remember this last line. I am sticking it to my computer right this second. I am valuable, even the parts that I want to change because they make me who I am and at least who I am is someone that knows that I need to change and fix somethings. I have realized that that in its self is huge. <br />
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I have taken a small break from blogging lately and may continue to do so for a while. I realized that I was too busy reading and playing on my blog to spend time actually fixing "me". So know that I love you all and will be back, but for now, I need to focus on making me the person that will make me and my daughter proud! Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06587186690785139860noreply@blogger.com27tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7928620456241718383.post-73013159764930011632010-10-05T07:32:00.002-07:002010-10-05T07:32:49.933-07:00Same old shit!Oh my, this has been such an eye opening week for me. I pray (well not really pray) that I can take all of this stuff and learn from it for once in my life. Take the good and the bad and actually do something with it. Like really do something, not just say I am going to and then do the same shit over and over again making excuse after excuse. I am 40 for god sake and it is TIME!!!!! How many times have you heard me say that now? <br />
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I think I have been bullshitting my self over the last 2 years. I tell myself that I have changed for the better and am really trying to be a better person, but in reality, nothing has changed for me deep down. I still have my old “evil’ ways rearing their ugly heads every time I let my guard down. I can’t seem to hold on to or adhere to any form of boundary. <br />
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I am not going to go into details here, but shit has happened. I followed one of my old patterns and it ended up the same way that it has ended every time before. Innocent people have been affected and as always, I am left standing here knowing that I caused some of it. I have once again, allowed my selfishness and I “want” therefore; I shall “have” attitude take control of me even though I knew it was wrong. <br />
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Really, I am sick of hurting too. I want more for me! ME!!!! Not my daughter, but ME!!!! She will reap the benefits in the long run. I am sick of hating me! <br />
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I am not going to lie. I don’t even know where to start. I have acknowledged all of this before and I am AWARE of what I do. I read and journal and have been in and out of therapy many times in my life and yet here I still am doing the same shit time and time again!Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06587186690785139860noreply@blogger.com35tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7928620456241718383.post-55447666715607053012010-09-28T12:28:00.000-07:002010-09-28T12:28:01.514-07:00I want that one and that one and ummm, that one!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7UWkG2uKd4Kl9Y5WnddOXfne2stQhta0spT7_vThcFv4OdhSTGCu9p-sLl-FQiMMHmJwyhgquY4UrtO_FUw5INAyytUc4wQV5YeOmK-YKSGbKY4D-d3ix9o_nhTHM0Gke_1HUJLmh3as/s1600/candy-2%5B1%5D.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="282" px="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7UWkG2uKd4Kl9Y5WnddOXfne2stQhta0spT7_vThcFv4OdhSTGCu9p-sLl-FQiMMHmJwyhgquY4UrtO_FUw5INAyytUc4wQV5YeOmK-YKSGbKY4D-d3ix9o_nhTHM0Gke_1HUJLmh3as/s320/candy-2%5B1%5D.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>When it comes to men, I feel like a kid in a candy store. Let me explain. I am one of “those” people that always think the grass is greener. Ohhhh, look at that new kind of candy. I think it will taste sweeter than this old candy that I am used to so I think I will buy it. Oh, but now I am craving something chocolaty. Oh, but look over there, sour may be just what the doctor ordered. You never know if the one with peanuts will make me happy though so I should at least try it to make sure. <br />
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This is why I had never gotten married before. I knew that I wasn’t the “one man for the rest of my life” kind of gal. After I had my daughter and turned 38 I really wanted to change this behavior, so I gave it a go. I got married and guess what? Just saying that I wanted to change it didn’t make it happen. So after one year of eating black licorice, I gave up. Can you blame me, that's some nasty tasting crap!<br />
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I use the excuse that it just isn’t for me. It doesn’t make me a bad person as long as I know it and don’t fool people and that I let people know up front that we can have fun but I am not a long term girl. <br />
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So, where is this going you ask? Well, I don’t really want my daughter to see men come and go. I don’t really want to end up old, wrinkly and relying on her to wipe my ass and mostly, I do want to find a love that I deserve. <br />
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So, how do I get the hell out of the candy store with just one kind of candy and learn to love it even when the wrapper gets torn off?Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06587186690785139860noreply@blogger.com31tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7928620456241718383.post-67750287788845707382010-09-20T06:48:00.000-07:002010-09-20T06:48:48.587-07:00I am at The Blue Zoo today! Come check me out!<a href="http://www.friendsyoulove.blogspot.com/" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img alt="FriendsYouLove" src="http://i936.photobucket.com/albums/ad202/That_One_Mom/Friends%20You%20Love/fyl_1_blog_hop.png" /></a><a href="http://www.blogger.com/%3Ccenter%3E%3Ca%20href=%22http://www.friendsyoulove.blogspot.com%22%20target=%22_blank%22%3E%3Cimg%20alt=%22FriendsYouLove%22%20src=%22http://i936.photobucket.com/albums/ad202/That_One_Mom/Friends%20You%20Love/fyl_1_blog_hop.png%22%20/%3E%3C/a%3E%3C/center%3E"></a><br />
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I am guest posting over at <a href="http://lifeinabluezoo.blogspot.com/">The Blue Zoo</a> today! Me, can you believe that someone asked me to write for them! Woot, woot!!!!!<br />
She rocks, and probably has the best ass in blogville, so go and check her out!Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06587186690785139860noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7928620456241718383.post-66932804172944170832010-09-17T12:39:00.000-07:002010-09-17T12:39:01.099-07:00I babble because I am old!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4uGJHmfFHQYs3uorT3gFqXbdEwGY4GRosgeSvpLVYXh25y4WZB8-Ix_r6g3fSi7e8nXTtl6FB7zOrXP1cYhyphenhyphenkFpmng8VnZcnU9Mt76X7Kaoy31mxFOl9Epr3XM1Jtk7NnHGuxCOhmZes/s1600/planning-a-40th-birthday-party.s600x600%5B1%5D.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" qx="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4uGJHmfFHQYs3uorT3gFqXbdEwGY4GRosgeSvpLVYXh25y4WZB8-Ix_r6g3fSi7e8nXTtl6FB7zOrXP1cYhyphenhyphenkFpmng8VnZcnU9Mt76X7Kaoy31mxFOl9Epr3XM1Jtk7NnHGuxCOhmZes/s320/planning-a-40th-birthday-party.s600x600%5B1%5D.jpg" /></a></div>Yep, it is true, I am officially old! I turned 40 this week and it freaks me the F-word out!!!! My next big one is 50! Ugg, how did this happen? Just yesterday I was a young whipper snapper, going to bars and living the carefree life! Ok, not really. I have never been carefree. It is just not how I am built. But really, I think this is going to be a good time for me and I am trying not to see the “age” part as a bad thing. Anyway, I am 40 and I don’t want any wise cracks from any of you young folk! <br />
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I also want to thank everyone for the advice on my last post. I need all the help I can get when it comes to this parenting stuff! You all helped me a ton and I am really starting to stand my ground and in a more mellow way. Hopefully I will see result before I go poor and turn into a grape!<br />
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I am playing soccer 2 times a week now and working out 4-5 times a week with a trainer/partner. I hope it is helping with some of my turning 40 body issues! Another words, I don’t want to have them so I am killing myself with workouts! Yes, I have issues but they could be worse.<br />
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Have a great weekend everyone! <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06587186690785139860noreply@blogger.com32tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7928620456241718383.post-39960070455992970522010-09-10T13:53:00.000-07:002010-09-10T13:53:38.476-07:00Mommy in need of help or Wine!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_3ICuvxI_AoiLJwaacMGcc8ax7oDOgyCJzSGjPV9xJNZzIyP8f0huh5oCpcwoFSuGhnC0N6QYrOKIeFcVLxXzuRVTeCWOAHF_QPcANgsOcee2X5smNiSrjzqeZOw6qauAo1wGbMAhnNk/s1600/Portrait+Innovations+3years+005.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_3ICuvxI_AoiLJwaacMGcc8ax7oDOgyCJzSGjPV9xJNZzIyP8f0huh5oCpcwoFSuGhnC0N6QYrOKIeFcVLxXzuRVTeCWOAHF_QPcANgsOcee2X5smNiSrjzqeZOw6qauAo1wGbMAhnNk/s320/Portrait+Innovations+3years+005.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>HELP!!!!<br />
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Any of you parents that have raised polite, sweet, happy, well rounded children have any advice for me. I need positive discipline techniques for a 3 year old. I am creating a little bossy mini me and we can not have two of me in the same house hold. I can’t afford my wine bills anymore! <br />
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Her new saying is “gosh mommy you’re so rude!” <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>Signed a frazzled mid life mommy!Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06587186690785139860noreply@blogger.com31tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7928620456241718383.post-79342798187826761902010-09-02T09:01:00.000-07:002010-09-02T09:01:18.807-07:00Just call me the Man RepellerAnyone that has hung around me in the last year or so has probably heard me say that I never get talked to, hit on or approached in anyway from men. In fact, Mindy and I have gone out on occasion and even she has noticed that when I am in her presence she doesn’t get approached either. She goes out with other people and has to beat the men away with sticks, but add me to the mix and it is like we have men repellant on.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBGMDiIUyDykqXRcgrpnvUzZ1LcFo5TYE8Qe_jLwqUqD41tBVZ-IALPTyew3Q49EMF3tluhBR4tBOxRLCH1RLvHgW1tcwPBet_98jETyYWuKSLfeO4m8kVhmX0_kAyzwpJuitkbqOHdT8/s1600/u10105337%5B1%5D.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBGMDiIUyDykqXRcgrpnvUzZ1LcFo5TYE8Qe_jLwqUqD41tBVZ-IALPTyew3Q49EMF3tluhBR4tBOxRLCH1RLvHgW1tcwPBet_98jETyYWuKSLfeO4m8kVhmX0_kAyzwpJuitkbqOHdT8/s320/u10105337%5B1%5D.jpg" /></a></div>Apparently, I put off some sort of vibe that says stay the hell away from me or I will scratch your eyes out and then eat you for a snack. <br />
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Now, I am a cute girl (Ha, is girl the appropriate term for a 40 year old, well I will be 40 in 12 days anyway). I work out constantly and have a good figure. I carry myself well and dress fashionably and mostly appropriate for my age! I am little bit on the smart assy side, but at least I can laugh and be (try to be) funny. <br />
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When I am in public with my roommates, they tell me that men check me out and on one occasion followed me around the entire grocery store. I somehow miss all this. But no one ever talks to me. EVER!!!! <br />
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So what gives? Is it me (I am guessing) or are men just huge pussies?Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06587186690785139860noreply@blogger.com35tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7928620456241718383.post-38974826796686548672010-08-24T08:10:00.001-07:002010-08-24T08:17:36.692-07:00Finally getting some recognition around here<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjG0Jpq37O4mxOBnA4ArGLMlU9qlySMVorE7aFgEb7iHbwC9titiJvNyZYgf8dENCmVv0OiWxc5YtSMHsrpsBInm6rGI317FbUlN8BHObxIB8EefNb8PUhdtCxJjhAlSbaHsWkhFg5n6dE/s1600/images%5B2%5D.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjG0Jpq37O4mxOBnA4ArGLMlU9qlySMVorE7aFgEb7iHbwC9titiJvNyZYgf8dENCmVv0OiWxc5YtSMHsrpsBInm6rGI317FbUlN8BHObxIB8EefNb8PUhdtCxJjhAlSbaHsWkhFg5n6dE/s320/images%5B2%5D.jpg" /></a></div>I am not sure why <a href="http://singlemommindy.blogspot.com/2010/08/asking-too-much.html">Mindy</a>, <a href="http://jsgotgame.blogspot.com/2010/08/comments-on-comments-some-of-you-were.html">Sage</a> and a few of my other friends find it so ironic that they finally named a Hurricane after me? I mean just because I have caused a few shit storms in my life and maybe blown up a little dust here and there. Geesh<br />
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Personally I am happy that I am finally getting some recognition up in here. Just incase you want to track my path of destruction you can tune in <a href="http://www.hurricane-tracking.co.uk/">Here</a>.<br />
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My ex just called me to say that he finds it funny that the Hurricane they name after me won't even touch land and will do no real damage. He may have mentioned that he wants to call and have them wait to name a "real" Hurricane after me that will do justice to my real character. I could be wrong, but I think that should hurt. Just a little.Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06587186690785139860noreply@blogger.com32