Mid Life Mommy

Brutality at its Finest!

2011-04-18T08:36:00.000-07:00

Well folks, the time has come to say good bye to this blog. I no longer feel like being a hypocrite. I am sick of lying to myself and all of you! I talk a big game about how I am working on making myself a better person. I talk about how I want to have inner peace and health and how far I have come over the years. Well guess what? I have been lying to everyone. I have changed nothing for the better. In fact, I may be worse off. I took something great and made it bad. I created issues that didn’t need to be there so that I can prove to myself that people don’t stay. I am only mad at myself for not being able to fix me, for not really getting healthy and for putting a great person through my issues.

It is time once again to focus on my daughter, finding a job and myself. I need to stop faking health in a blog and start figuring out why I do the shit that I do. I literally hate who I am right now. I hate that I can’t fix me. I hate that I am not worthy of being happy. I hate that happy makes me uncomfortable. I hate that my daughter has anger issues that I am positive she has got from watching me. Right now, unfortunately, I hate most of everything ME!

Don’t worry, I am a strong person. I will come out of this and get my shit together, but for now I really need to focus on getting real with myself. I have to fix me before I destroy anything or anyone else. I need to figure out why I feel the need to control people into loving me.

I love all of you and what I have learned from you all, and I am sure I will be around still trying to learn from you, but for now it is good bye. I will be shutting this down within the next two weeks. Thanks for all of your love and support over the years. You have been great friends.

I don't want to suck at this anymore!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-04-06T13:20:00.000-07:00

Relationships are and always have been a difficult thing for me. My parents didn’t give me anything healthy to go by that is for sure. Over the years, I have picked a lot of guys that would give me the same kind of dysfunctional relationship that I was used to and was represented to me as a child. I guess I have formed a very unhealthy pattern over the years that I want to break but am having a difficult time doing so.

It seems like over the last 10 years, I have gone after the newness and when that is gone, I move on or create conflict so that the other person will do the moving on and I don’t have to take the blame.

However, I am older and wiser and know that I want so much more. I have found a man that can and does give me the health that I want and need from a relationship.

And yet…

Here I am trying to ruin it.

Things are not bad yet, however it seems like I am trying hard to make them go that way. My man is kind and shows me every day how much he loves me and somehow, I find something wrong, something to create a fight over. He truly is a man/gentleman in every sense of the word. He has morals and values and passions and shows me that I am important to him. I know how lucky I am and I don’t want to ruin it, so what in my brain causes me to destroy good things? Don’t I think I deserve to be happy? This is killing me and could possibly kill my relationship if I don’t get a grip. I have to figure this out before I destroy something that could be, actually is great.

I have done a ton of personal work over the last few years, and in some areas of my life it shows tremendously. In this area, a very important area to me, it seems I am REALLY struggling. I haven’t felt this way or respected someone this much for as long as I can remember. He makes me want to be a better person and not only that, but he tells me every day that I am a good person and that I am lovable. Why can’t I believe it and let it be?

Geesh, where have you all been?

2011-03-04T17:27:00.004-07:00

Well, it has been a while. It seems like this not working stuff is busier for me than a 40 hour a week job. I can’t figure out where all of my time is going. I have slacked on writing posts and reading. Please forgive me I am trying to get better. I miss all of you!

If you follow me on Facebook you know that I am giddy happy with my new guy. I hate posting about relationships since it seems to be the kiss of death for me, but I think/no I am sure that this one is different. He is a keeper and is sticking! We talk about everything. Things that bother us are easy to communicate about and move on from. I am feeling safe and cherished for the first time in my life. Sure there have been some small issues, but we talk about them. We work through them and we seem to come out better.

One thing that we have both noticed is how I am on the phone. It is really our only source of contention.

I seem to be amazingly happy and secure when we are together. No issues, and then, we talk on the phone and I seem to get a chip on my shoulder. He says he feels like I am on the defensive almost every time we talk on the phone. I have been wracking my brain trying to figure out why it is that I do this. I can be sitting there so excited for him to call, bragging about how wonderful he is to my mom and then I answer the phone and BAMM, I get an attitude for the silliest reason. It is so ridiculous.

I wonder if it is some sort of control issue or insecurity??? I just can’t put my finger on it, but I know I do it. Anyone else have phone issues with their significant other?

If anyone suggests that I don’t talk on the phone, I will fly to where ever you are and beat you bloody with my happy stick! I know a few of you will be tempted! LOL

Anyhow, I do miss all of you!

Blessings in Disguise?????

2011-02-16T08:09:00.002-07:00

Well, it is finally happening. My office is shutting down and I am one of about 3 people left, but alas tomorrow is my final day here. I have mixed feelings. I have been here for 3 years and for the most part have no complaints. We all seem to have found our niche together and things just go smooth but we don’t have any work and you can’t very well keep something afloat when there aren’t any dollars coming in.

Every one is telling me that it is a blessing in disguise. It is my chance to go back to school and find something that I love instead of just being ok with. I agree. I have always loved the medical field and have already registered at the local community college. Summer classes start in May so I am going to be hanging out enjoying my time with my daughter for a few months.

That may prove to be the death of me. LOL

Many of you received an email with my new email address. I am adding it to my blog too. You can always reach me at my midlifemommy07 at yahoo dot com addy!

I feel blessed that I have this opportunity right now and that I have family and friends that support my decision.

Life is good for me in so many ways right now. I am excited for this new chapter in my life.

So, here is to 2011, all this year has become so far and what possibilities that are yet to come!

*Clink*

Trying to let go!

2011-02-09T09:33:00.002-07:00

I am a bit of a hypocrite sometimes. My girlfriend called me the other night because her and her boyfriend had split up. She was a wreck because she said something mean to him and he left. He said he was done and wouldn’t take her calls and it had been a couple of days since she talked to him. She told me that she was going to turn it over to God and let him decide what would happen. I went ballistic. I believe in God, really I do. I am not one to pray on things though. I told her that God wasn’t going to call and tell him that she was sorry and that she was wrong to say what she said. God wasn’t going to let him know that he is a good man and that she was being silly. God wasn’t going to tell him that she wanted another chance to show him that she really does love him. I told her that God may lead and guide you or even make the final decision but she has to make an effort. She has to make her wrongs right.

Then...

While listening to “A Return to Love”, the author said that sometimes you have to let go of all expectations and let “him” do his job. Put it in his hands because he will not let you down. I choose to believe that this means “let things that you have no control over find their own way in the universe”. “What is meant to happen will happen”. I want to learn this. I want to hand it over and let someone else decide. I get that I still have to do the background work/leg work but wouldn’t it be nice to be so at peace with not worrying what the outcome of situation will be. To have so much faith in what ever happens will happen because it is meant to. I want to believe in this.

So very giddy!

2011-02-03T08:58:00.000-07:00

OMG!!!!! *SWOOOOOOOOON*
See, choose to be happy and look what happens.

Thanks for listening!

2011-01-24T11:54:00.000-07:00

I think the universe is starting to hear me. Things feel good right now and here is a few of the reasons why!

I took my daughter to a group of specialists to make sure she is where she needs to be on all levels. (Recommended from her ped about her speech at her 3 year old check up). They all thought she was amazing, polite and a lot of fun to be around. She passed with flying colors in all areas. Heh doc!

I received two checks in the mail last week from an old Insurance Company that I used at least 7 years ago. My mom is financially struggling right now and I gave her most of it. It was a nice surprise, but nothing I expected and came at a nice time for my mom.

This one may sound strange, but my company may be closing its doors in the next few months. I have been here for 3 years and really don’t have any complaints nor do I want to be unemployed. But, I have wanted to go to school and this just may be the perfect opportunity to do so. It may just be the kick in the ass that I need to make a change.

When I had the realization that I date unavailable men, something really clicked for me. It is like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders in all aspects of my life. I feel more confident and happy about my choices. I feel lighter. I feel like I am capable of having a healthy relationship. It is my choice and I am choosing to be happy. I am happy right now!

I had an amazing weekend and all because I am starting to make the right choices. Good choices. I think the universe sees this and is helping me out and sending me amazing things!

I must be on the right track if I am loved as much as a monkey. Right?

2011-01-12T09:40:00.000-07:00

It has been so overwhelming to me that I have so far to go and so much to work on in this journey to get healthy. I think I have said 1000bazillionand3 times that I don’t even know where to start because I am so screwed up. For every realization that I have, 50 things surrounding it pop up. I realized today that if I look at it like that, I will never be able to start or move forward with it. It is way too much for me to put my hands around. It is way too much for my brain to grasp. I have actually made myself sick thinking about where to start, to go next and then where to go from there. I get dizzy when I have an aha moment because it leads to more and more realizations.

So, I have realized that I have been going about this “fix me” shit all wrong. I need to start living in the now, for this moment since really, it is all I can control. I just realized that I can’t fix everything that I did wrong in the past and I can’t worry about what I can’t control in the future. All I can do is live my life right this second and deal with issues and situations as they arise. I can do some preparation work so that I keep my eyes open to things. I can take things in little pieces and work on them when they happen.

Here are some small things that happen daily that I am getting a grasp on:

I realized that I think about what is going to happen in the future so much, that I become disappointed when it doesn’t happen as I thought or hoped should. So now when a thought pops into my head that doesn’t deal with right now, I try to bring myself back to this minute.

I never knew how judgmental and negative I was until I became more aware of my thoughts. I catch myself judging and going to the negative about all kinds of people and things including myself. Now though, when I catch myself, I stop, tell myself that I am being judgmental or negative and change my thought process about what ever it was. This is not easy because it is completely reprogramming my brain on something that I didn’t even realize I did so much but I am seeing it now and working on reprogramming my thinking process.

I care so much what other people think that sometimes it controls me. Last night my daughter was acting up in public and I got angry with how I “thought” other people were thinking of my parenting ability. When I got in my car and realized how upset I was and took a deep breath. I realized that I KNOW THAT I AM A GOOD MOM. I know my daughter is loving, funny and smart, AND... I know that she is three. We had a trying rest of the evening too, but I handled it better than normal and we went to bed with a huge kiss, hug and “mommy I love you sooooooooo much like a monkey”

I am on the right track. I may derail a lot on my travels, but I am on the right track!

Excuses be Gone!

2011-01-06T08:48:00.000-07:00

Holy eye opening experiences lately! Things are just coming at me really quickly right now. I am almost tempted to duck!

I realized last night that I am enabling Guy#4 to go through a shitty guy phase. I have been telling him that it is all ok because he is going through a phase and we all know how big of a heart he has. I am allowing him to excuse away his shittyness. I am excusing away his shittyness. I am holding on to what he was or what he could be. He is not that good guy right now and I am allowing it to continue instead of being a real friend and telling him to STOP the EXCUSES and become who he is and can be! He has it in him to be that man again. I believe that with all of my heart but he has to choose it and he has to stop making excuses for why he is not right now! NO MORE!!!!! It is not ok for me to do it and it is not ok for him to do it and stay in my life.

The madness stops now with me! I need to stop fixing everyone else and making excuses for them so they will reciprocate the favor. IT NEVER HAPPENS THAT WAY.

Ummmmm, it is never ok to shit on other people and then excuse it away because you are “messed up” right now and trying to figure yourself out. I have done it recently and it is not ok for me to do or anyone else that is in my life to do.

I do this with every guy I date. I want to see the good in people so much that I look past all of the red flags and signs and boundaries that I should have in place. If I “fix” them, then they will love me or if I excuse their shitty behavior then they will excuse my past shitty behavior. Or, I like that they are shitty because then they won’t mind me being shitty. F@*k the excuses and be the good person!

Shewwwww, now that I have gotten that out, I need to actually figure out how to put it in place and become very strict in holding to it!

Maybe not A Return to Love, but a start!

2010-12-29T09:04:00.000-07:00

I was reading Mommasunshine the other day and she mentioned a quote from a book that she is reading called “A Return to Love”. The quote hit me too and so I went online and bought the audio book. I am about one third of the way through it and am amazed at how much this book is hitting on some very core issues with me.

The first one and the most profound one that hit me is that “I choose unavailable men”. I am looking back over the years at all of the men that I have “dated or been involved with” and I see now that ALL of them have been unavailable to ME in some way. Seriously, this is HUGE for me to realize. It takes some of the fear that “I suck at relationships” out of how I think. Let me explain... If they are unavailable, how could I have had a healthy, mutual relationship with them? So, I may not suck as bad as I thought I did at relationships after all. At least that is how I am going to forgive myself for the crappy relationships that I have had and start moving forward. I need to look more into why I pick unavailable men and what that says about me. I must be unavailable or undeserving. Now, this makes sense to me. It is disturbing, but makes a ton of sense.

At least now I have something closer to the truth to work on fixing and I can stop saying that I suck at relationships. I haven’t given anyone or myself a chance because I am somehow unavailable and choosing people from that place of fear.

So, looking back at the last 4 guys in my life, this is what I see.

Guy #1- Liked me but did not want to date someone with a child. NOW I wouldn’t give him a second look, but at the time, I feel like I may have been desperate to just have someone like me and want to hang out. My thoughts were that I could make him like me so much that he would have no choice but to love my daughter. NOW, I see that he was never going to really date me and I had some sort of comfort in that.

Guy #2-This is my STBX. I have known him for years and have known that he is emotionally unavailable. I knew this and yet I thought that I was different and that he would magically open up to me because, well, I am me. He loved my daughter and he wanted to take care of us. NOW I see that he was unavailable to me emotionally and I found some weird sense of comfort in that. When it was happening I was miserable and wanted that connection, or did I really. I may have just liked the fact that it was any easy excuse to get out when things got tough.

Guy #3- This guy had a girlfriend. (PLEASE DON’T HATE ME I ALREADY DO ENOUGH OF THAT FOR MYSELF) I knew from the beginning that this wouldn’t work and that I would hate myself more for getting involved in it and yet, he treated me like a queen and said and did all of the right stuff. He left his girlfriend and I started the sabotage game right away. NOW I see that I liked him when someone else had him and I had to compete, but when he gave me his all, I wanted to make him hate me. Guess who he is back with?

Guy #4- This is the guy that I alluded to in my post the other day. Here is the deal and what this book made me see in myself. He is unavailable right now. He is working through some serious life issues right now and doesn’t want to go into a relationship with that baggage. He really likes me and wants more than a rebound or a feel better fix. He wants to wait, get to know each other first while he is sorting things out and then see what could happen between us. This is great to me and very healthy on his part. He has a heart of gold and I know that when he gives his love to someone, it is real and deep. When he gets healthy, he is the kind of man that any woman would kill to have love her. He is true and real and caring.

But... am I attracted to knowing that someday we could be great, or am I attracted to the fact that he is unavailable right now? I know that with him, I have that same uncomfortable “I want more because he isn’t giving it freely” feeling that I have in all of my past relationships. This feeling is the common denominator in all of my relationships that has made me feel like “I really do like this guy”. Gawd that is sick!

I know that I want the real thing. I know that sharing the real me with someone and having them stick is something that I really do want. I want deep, soul touching and forever. Something inside me is telling me that I don’t deserve that though.

I do know that figuring this out is one step closer to getting that real thing.

Giving from the heart or from the ego?

2010-12-27T09:18:00.001-07:00

Christmas is about giving and T did a post recently about that subject that brought back a memory that made me really think. It was actually very uncomfortable for me and not just because the situation was intense and angry, but because it made me step back and question why I do things. Why I give/do things for others? Do I give/do things for selfish reasons or do I give/do things from the heart.

Situation: I went to a gym for a quick cardio work out and because I was in a slight hurry I went to a different, closer gym than I usually go to. Now if you are a frequent gym user you will get me when I say that there is a comfort in “my gym”. I am used to it, know where everything is and have a real sense of comfort there. This was not “my” gym. I do not like this particular gym and for no real reason at all. So, that has all lead up to the fact that I may have had a slight attitude walking in.

As I was walking in with my 3 year old daughter, I held the door, well actually 2 doors open for another women walking in. So she actually let me hold the door open for her twice and did not once thank me. This is a huge pet peeve of mine. I was taught that people don’t have to do something for me, so when they do, you thank them. So I, being a smart ass with no sense of keeping my mouth shut and accepting other peoples up bringing, I blurt out “YOUR WELCOME”!

This didn’t go over well with her. In front of my daughter, she got right in my face and told me that if I am doing things for a thanks, that it is not coming from the heart and I am doing it for selfish reasons. She asked me if I gave any thought to what she might be going through that day. She said she was in a bad place and wasn’t thinking about anyone else and if I was doing something nice for her without selfishness, I would have seen that her mind was somewhere else and not just unthankful.

Now in the heat of the moment, I went off about how I was raised to be appreciative and to always thank someone that didn’t owe you that niceness in the first place. That I am trying to show and raise my daughter to respect others, blah, blah, blah.

Then, I walked away and nearly broke down. I thought about what might have been going on in her world at that moment. I thought about the fact that I was brought up to hold doors for others and it is now a habit. It probably doesn’t come from the heart as much any more. How many times have I been in my own mind and done something not so respectful to someone. I didn’t mean to do it. I probably didn’t even know I did it, but if someone would have called me out on it at the time, I may have gone postal or maybe broke down.

It really made me think about why I do things for others. Is it selfish, a habit, or a true heartfelt reason? I think that by me thinking about it so much has made me more aware and I have realized that most of what I do is from the heart. I am working on the rest.

This happened months ago and I think that if I saw this woman now, I would buy her a coffee or maybe... give her a hug!

Growth is Painful Business

2010-12-15T08:19:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been writing about all of the stuff that I fear, that I want to and need to change about myself, and that I don’t like about myself and it has been a little draining I must say. I am sure reading about it is worse. *apologetic smile*. I am sure as an outsider looking in it seems as though my life is pretty gloomy right now.

Well, the funny thing about that is that I am actually feeling pretty good these days.

I have a job right now and although they cut my hours so that I now have Fridays off, which means less money, (not good). That also means a three day weekend every week and I can’t tell you how nice that has been.

A few of my friends have really stepped up lately and shown me what friendship is all about. When the chips are down, my friends are there. That in it’s self makes me one hell of a lucky girl.

My family is healthy and we really don’t have any drama. We are all really looking forward to Christmas this year since my daughter is starting to understand it. I can not wait to see her face Christmas morning.

My STBX and I have really found our good place. We work well together now that we aren’t living in the same house. I think that we are going to be very good friends and that makes everything less stressful.

Ok, here is a big one for me to admit since I don’t talk about my dating life on here much. I have met someone that I think could be the real deal at some point. We are starting out as friends, no, really just friends. There has been NO physical and a whole lot of mental going on. It is nice for right now. We both need time to figure are own stuff out and want to do that before we start anything. So in the mean time, we are getting to know each other as friends. Holy Cow, what a novel concept. *Shut it Mindymom* LOL

Anyhow, that last paragraph gives me a whole other post and some huge fears surrounding it that will be coming soon, but for now, I am enjoying some mental peace even though my writing has felt quite contrary to that. I think that you have to feel some pain if you really want to grow. Boy, I must be doing a whole lot of growing! *Geesh*

Mirror mirror

2010-12-13T11:19:00.000-07:00

I am not trying to get compliments with this post. I am simply stating how I feel even if I know how ridiculous it sounds. There is a part of me hoping that we as a society can stop the younger generation from feeling this way. I know that I am not alone in my struggle with my body image.

One of my favorite bloggers did a post recently on how her self image affects her.

As I was reading it, a light went off and I realized “holy shit” I do the exact same thing and it can literally predetermine how my whole day will go and how I interact with others.

I obsess about how I look, how fat I feel and how I am not as perfect as I would like to be or as perfect as I perceive the girl next to me to be. There are days when I look in the mirror and want to scratch my eyes out. There are days when I am feeling bloated and fat and I want to hide.

Since I can’t do that, I come out swinging.

I will pick fights with people I love just because my pants are too tight that day. I will have zero patience with my daughter just because my arms don’t look tone in the sleeveless shirt I am wearing. I will yell at a co-worker because my hair is too frizzy that day. If I am dating someone and I think the girl next to me looks better, OMG, they won’t even know what hit them. I won’t come out and say, hey, I am feeling insecure. Instead I will either get mad at something else or just clam up.

I don’t think I even realized that I do this to the extent that it happens until I read her post. My perceived appearance literally controls me every single minute of my day.

In my head I know this is ridiculous and yet I can’t stop myself from the self hatred.

She mentioned in her post that she can pinpoint the moment that she started to feel this way and when I look back at my child hood that moment is not so obvious to me. However, I do remember from a very early age, I am guessing 7 or 8 years old being very conscious of how I looked to other people. It seems like the more attractive I made myself, the more positive attention I received. Obviously, that is perceived positive attention, but in a way, I do think that society treats “beautiful” people better. My girlfriend in Jr. High was amazingly beautiful and I was always envious of how she was treated. Girls wanted to be her friend and every guy wanted to date her. Even the teachers treated her different, better. I realize now that I was always more insecure around her than some of my other friends. Why do we do this???? Why do we put external beauty on a pedestal?

Why can I not see what others tell me? When am I going to see what others do? When am I going to allow myself to appreciate all of my hard work? When am I going to see the real me and not what the mirror shows me?

I can do this.

2010-12-08T07:30:00.000-07:00

OK, now to offset my list of fears. It amazes me that it took me all of about 20 minutes to compose that list and about 3 months to compose this one. I literally started this months ago when I was seeing a therapist. I did notice that this is a longer list than my fear list though. Me thinks that is a very good sign.

I have to start this process somewhere. The talking myself into it if you will.

1) I am independent and can survive alone.

2) I am street smart.

3) I am very loving when I want to be. My daughter sees it everyday.

4) I am a good friend to those close to me. I will always be there for you.

5) I am very respectful of people. I always say please, thank you, excuse me, etc…

6) I am polite. I would give up my seat in a heart beat. I hold doors and allow others to go first, etc…

7) I am giving. I would give someone that I care about my last dollar.

8) I am responsible. I do what I say when I say I will do it.

9) I have very good work ethic.

10) I am strong. Physically and mentally. It takes a lot to break me.

11) I am athletic. The people that have seen me play soccer may disagree. Lol

12) I am a cute girl and I present myself as classy as I can.

13) I try very hard to be a good mom. She always knows that I am here for her and that I will unconditionally love her.

14) No matter how down I am, I always know that there is a brighter day just around the corner.

15) I can fit in with almost any crowd and with all kinds of people.

16) I am able to see my own faults. I may not be able to control them yet, but I do know that they are there and it does not bother me when someone calls me out on them.

17) I am honest. Brutally

18) I have very thick skin.

19) I can be a fun person.

20) I am resourceful.

21) I always get through it. No matter what it is?

22) I can stand up for myself.

23) I have a lot of long term friends.

24) People remember me. This one surprises me but people remember me for some reason.

25) I can get past things and move on. I don't hold a grudge.

26) I am not a victim.

27) I am humble.

I plan on adding much much more as I grow. I am going to love myself if it kills me!

Getting a grip on fear.

2010-12-06T09:02:00.000-07:00

Here I am again, not knowing where to begin. So I guess I just start writing my fears down and go from there.

1) I fear being left.

2) I fear being hurt.

3) I fear being cheated on.

4) I fear being happy because I know it is just a matter of time before that will change.

5) I fear that I will let my daughter down by not teaching her to be healthy mentally.

6) I fear what other people think of me.

7) I fear being alone forever.

8) I fear never being really loved by a man.

9) I fear my anger.

10) I fear my insecurities.

11) I fear my controlling behavior.

12) I fear figuring out how to love myself and that I will never be able to fully do it.

13) I fear becoming my father.

14) I fear becoming my grandmother.

15) I fear getting fat.

16) I fear getting old.

17) I fear being judged.

18) I fear that fate is paying me back for all of the crap I have done in my life.

19) I fear that I will never be financially independent on others.

20) I fear that I will ruin every relationship that I have by fearing all of this.

I realize that everyone has fears. I realize that we can become stronger by looking straight into the eye of fear and denying it. My fears are beating me right now. They are getting the best of me and I can’t get control of them. They are causing me to ruin things that could have been good if it weren’t for fear of ruining them.

I am creating my own fears and then letting them do exactly what I fear the most.

So now what?

Damn you guys ROCK!

2010-11-30T07:04:00.000-07:00

OK, so WOW! That is how I feel about all of you right now. The comments on my last post are why I blog! The support is amazing and humbling and ass kicking. I need it, I love it, and I want some more of it! Sorry for going all country on your asses for a second there.

Here is the deal. I am a self proclaimed ME hater. I don’t want pity, I want to change. Everything that I do “bad” in my life stems from me not loving myself. Years and years of doing things that I would hate someone else for doing have resulted in me truly not liking me. I know that my childhood provided me with a lot of anger and self loathing too so it is time to clear that shit out and make room for some positive. Some warm fuzzies for me!

So for now, this blog is going to get really ugly! I have always tried to keep it up beat and positive but I am fooling myself. I am an honest person, sometimes to a fault but unfortunately I haven’t been honest to myself. I am going to use this site as an outlet and hope that it helps me grow. I am sure that I will run some people off if I am as raw as I need to be. I am sorry in advance. Hopefully I will be able to get back to sunshine and roses soon.

So bear with me if you can. Don’t sugar coat comments if necessary. Please be as honest and raw back at me if you can. I need the good and the bad. I need to get real with myself and fix this shit NOW!

Silence is better than blah!

2010-11-16T13:00:00.002-07:00

Well it has been about a month since I last posted and I am loosing followers by the day. I am at a major crossroads in my life right now and not sure that blogging is helping me anymore. I don’t want to be a downer every time I log in so I have just chosen to not post. If you have nothing good to say, don’t say anything at all. So I have gone silent.

I can’t bring myself to posting about my life. Every time something good comes along, I ruin it. It is like I don’t want to or feel like I am worthy of being happy. I can’t fix it either. I try. I know what I do and yet when I act, I destroy. It never fails. I open my mouth and I sabotage everything good.

So for now, I am still reading and commenting if I can but I am not posting until I see some light.

Gettin there!

2010-10-18T06:56:00.000-07:00

Virgo Love Horoscope for the Week of October 18

October 17, 2010 By Michelle Piller Leave a Comment

Kiss ‘em goodbye: all of the self-recriminations, the mind games, the shoulda’s and the coulda’s. Buh-bye. A new and feistier sense of identity is emerging from a space deep within. It’s hardier than the ego you’re accustomed to wearing, and it’s born from all of the bits and pieces of yourself that you’ve never known what to do with. Don’t worry; the new you gradually coming out of its cocoon isn’t nearly as Frankenstein-like as I’ve made it out to be. I’m just trying to alert you to the fact that every aspect of you is valuable, even those you’re trying to change.

I need to remember this last line. I am sticking it to my computer right this second. I am valuable, even the parts that I want to change because they make me who I am and at least who I am is someone that knows that I need to change and fix somethings. I have realized that that in its self is huge.

I have taken a small break from blogging lately and may continue to do so for a while. I realized that I was too busy reading and playing on my blog to spend time actually fixing "me". So know that I love you all and will be back, but for now, I need to focus on making me the person that will make me and my daughter proud!

Same old shit!

2010-10-05T07:32:00.002-07:00

Oh my, this has been such an eye opening week for me. I pray (well not really pray) that I can take all of this stuff and learn from it for once in my life. Take the good and the bad and actually do something with it. Like really do something, not just say I am going to and then do the same shit over and over again making excuse after excuse. I am 40 for god sake and it is TIME!!!!! How many times have you heard me say that now?

I think I have been bullshitting my self over the last 2 years. I tell myself that I have changed for the better and am really trying to be a better person, but in reality, nothing has changed for me deep down. I still have my old “evil’ ways rearing their ugly heads every time I let my guard down. I can’t seem to hold on to or adhere to any form of boundary.

I am not going to go into details here, but shit has happened. I followed one of my old patterns and it ended up the same way that it has ended every time before. Innocent people have been affected and as always, I am left standing here knowing that I caused some of it. I have once again, allowed my selfishness and I “want” therefore; I shall “have” attitude take control of me even though I knew it was wrong.

Really, I am sick of hurting too. I want more for me! ME!!!! Not my daughter, but ME!!!! She will reap the benefits in the long run. I am sick of hating me!

I am not going to lie. I don’t even know where to start. I have acknowledged all of this before and I am AWARE of what I do. I read and journal and have been in and out of therapy many times in my life and yet here I still am doing the same shit time and time again!

I want that one and that one and ummm, that one!

2010-09-28T12:28:00.000-07:00

When it comes to men, I feel like a kid in a candy store. Let me explain. I am one of “those” people that always think the grass is greener. Ohhhh, look at that new kind of candy. I think it will taste sweeter than this old candy that I am used to so I think I will buy it. Oh, but now I am craving something chocolaty. Oh, but look over there, sour may be just what the doctor ordered. You never know if the one with peanuts will make me happy though so I should at least try it to make sure.

This is why I had never gotten married before. I knew that I wasn’t the “one man for the rest of my life” kind of gal. After I had my daughter and turned 38 I really wanted to change this behavior, so I gave it a go. I got married and guess what? Just saying that I wanted to change it didn’t make it happen. So after one year of eating black licorice, I gave up. Can you blame me, that's some nasty tasting crap!

I use the excuse that it just isn’t for me. It doesn’t make me a bad person as long as I know it and don’t fool people and that I let people know up front that we can have fun but I am not a long term girl.

So, where is this going you ask? Well, I don’t really want my daughter to see men come and go. I don’t really want to end up old, wrinkly and relying on her to wipe my ass and mostly, I do want to find a love that I deserve.

So, how do I get the hell out of the candy store with just one kind of candy and learn to love it even when the wrapper gets torn off?

I am at The Blue Zoo today! Come check me out!

2010-09-20T06:48:00.000-07:00

I am guest posting over at The Blue Zoo today! Me, can you believe that someone asked me to write for them! Woot, woot!!!!!
She rocks, and probably has the best ass in blogville, so go and check her out!

I babble because I am old!

2010-09-17T12:39:00.000-07:00

Yep, it is true, I am officially old! I turned 40 this week and it freaks me the F-word out!!!! My next big one is 50! Ugg, how did this happen? Just yesterday I was a young whipper snapper, going to bars and living the carefree life! Ok, not really. I have never been carefree. It is just not how I am built. But really, I think this is going to be a good time for me and I am trying not to see the “age” part as a bad thing. Anyway, I am 40 and I don’t want any wise cracks from any of you young folk!

I also want to thank everyone for the advice on my last post. I need all the help I can get when it comes to this parenting stuff! You all helped me a ton and I am really starting to stand my ground and in a more mellow way. Hopefully I will see result before I go poor and turn into a grape!

I am playing soccer 2 times a week now and working out 4-5 times a week with a trainer/partner. I hope it is helping with some of my turning 40 body issues! Another words, I don’t want to have them so I am killing myself with workouts! Yes, I have issues but they could be worse.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Mommy in need of help or Wine!

2010-09-10T13:53:00.000-07:00

HELP!!!!

Any of you parents that have raised polite, sweet, happy, well rounded children have any advice for me. I need positive discipline techniques for a 3 year old. I am creating a little bossy mini me and we can not have two of me in the same house hold. I can’t afford my wine bills anymore!

Her new saying is “gosh mommy you’re so rude!”

Signed a frazzled mid life mommy!

Just call me the Man Repeller

2010-09-02T09:01:00.000-07:00

Anyone that has hung around me in the last year or so has probably heard me say that I never get talked to, hit on or approached in anyway from men. In fact, Mindy and I have gone out on occasion and even she has noticed that when I am in her presence she doesn’t get approached either. She goes out with other people and has to beat the men away with sticks, but add me to the mix and it is like we have men repellant on.

Apparently, I put off some sort of vibe that says stay the hell away from me or I will scratch your eyes out and then eat you for a snack.

Now, I am a cute girl (Ha, is girl the appropriate term for a 40 year old, well I will be 40 in 12 days anyway). I work out constantly and have a good figure. I carry myself well and dress fashionably and mostly appropriate for my age! I am little bit on the smart assy side, but at least I can laugh and be (try to be) funny.

When I am in public with my roommates, they tell me that men check me out and on one occasion followed me around the entire grocery store. I somehow miss all this. But no one ever talks to me. EVER!!!!

So what gives? Is it me (I am guessing) or are men just huge pussies?

Finally getting some recognition around here

2010-08-24T08:10:00.001-07:00

I am not sure why Mindy, Sage and a few of my other friends find it so ironic that they finally named a Hurricane after me? I mean just because I have caused a few shit storms in my life and maybe blown up a little dust here and there. Geesh

Personally I am happy that I am finally getting some recognition up in here. Just incase you want to track my path of destruction you can tune in Here.

My ex just called me to say that he finds it funny that the Hurricane they name after me won't even touch land and will do no real damage. He may have mentioned that he wants to call and have them wait to name a "real" Hurricane after me that will do justice to my real character. I could be wrong, but I think that should hurt. Just a little.

Explanation about the dead man at the gym

2010-08-17T09:23:00.001-07:00

So here is the story about the gentleman that died at my gym.

Setting: The gym has two levels. You enter on the main floor and then directly behind the front desk lay a stairway that goes down to the gym. As you are looking down the stairs, to the right is the cardio equipment and the ab center. To the left and straight ahead is the weight equipment. It is busy as usual with all the 9 to 5ers that refuse to deal with the douchery that comes after work. There are even a few teenagers working out with their parents. So, it is business as usual.

I arrive at 5am and as I am pulling into the parking lot there are numerous cop cars all over the place. I am thinking to myself that either someone got in a fight or there was locker room theft or something along those lines. I walk to the front desk and hand them my card as usual. She is acting a little weird but nothing is said and I am permitted to proceed to my work out.

I go to the stair stepper and start to work out. I am there for a few minutes when I look to my right which is where the abdominal machines are and there is a body covered by a white sheet laying at the end of one of the decline ab benches. I asked the lady next to me what was going on and she says that he died earlier and is just waiting for the coroner to remove the body.

There are, in my mind, so many things wrong with this whole scenario. Forget the fact that a man with a family and friends is dead, AT THE GYM, and still laying on the ground for everyone to see. All I could think about was how horrified and sad I would be if that was my dad or husband or friend laying there and all of these people were just acting like nothing happened.

Next, why on earth didn’t they warn us when we went to sign in? Maybe give us a heads up so that we could decide if we could handle seeing a dead body or not. Maybe close the gym for an hour out of respect for this man.

Then, how about all of us that just went about our business like it were no big deal. Or the parents that had there kids in there acting like it was just another day. What is wrong with us as a society that we can be so unaffected by a man’s death.

The local paper did a story about it and ripped the gym and the members for exactly what I am saying here. I was proud of them and yet... I stayed and worked out! Seriously, what is wrong with me?

2010-08-13T10:21:00.001-07:00

I always talk about how working out and going to the gym relieves a ton of my stress but a girls allowed to change her mind right?

Seriously, there are so many douche bags that dwell in the local gyms around here.

1) The guy that is lounging back on a chest machine with his legs crossed like he is at home on his couch. Oh, and he is talking on the phone.

2) The big dude that just finished a set stands up and YELLS… YEAH!!!!

3) The dude stuck in the 90’s. He still wears a cut off flannel shirt with a hood and leaves it completely unbuttoned. Then to top that off, he wears one of those hats with the flaps in the back to catch sweat.

4) The lady that does a stripper dance in front of the main mirror for over an hour. Shaking her thang for all of us to see.

5) The many gals that show up in full make up and perfect hair and do level fucking one on the elliptical while talking on their phone.

6) The idiot that looks like he had never seen the inside of a gym but has some size so he thinks it is ok to wear tight shit that shows off way too much. Then proceeds to wildly throw some equipment around. Everyone is walking as far away from this guy while he does a machine so they don’t get nailed by a flying grip. He is never to be seen again and I am assuming it is because he tore every ligament in his body and is in the hospital.

7) The trainer that looks anorexic or like a before picture on a Jenny Craig add telling someone else how to get in shape!

8) All of us that kept working out like life is great, while a dead guy lay on the ground next to the ab machine that he had a heart attach on. (Actually a very disturbing scene)

9) The people that look great and you have no idea how since you have never seen them actually do anything but talk to everyone.

10) The dude that is next to you on the treadmill that smells so bad that even if you hadn’t taken a shower in over a month and ate Chinese food for every meal you would still smell better than him.

There are so many benefits to going to a gym. My favorite is laughing at the idiots there.

What does love mean to you?

2010-08-11T09:12:00.000-07:00

The concept behind the word love has always been strange to me. Someone recently said that they thought the definition of the word love was “You love someone if you would die for them”. Honestly, other than my daughter (without thought) and possibly my mother and grandmother, I have never felt that deeply for anyone. Ever.

Wait, with out thinking, I would probably in a quick situation die for any child in harms way. So what does that say? I wouldn’t die for my own friends, most of my family, any boyfriend or ex husband (I have only had one ex husband) that I have ever had, but I would die for a stranger’s child if I thought they were in danger and I could step in and save them. Wow, that really makes me think about who I am. My friends and family may want to re-think hanging out with me. Geesh.

Growing up, I was never really shown love by anyone except my grandmother. As an adult, I have realized that my mother loves me unconditionally but when I was a child, she didn’t know how to show me since she was a child herself. My father loves me to the best of his ability now too, but there were strings attached to his love when I was a child. In fact, the first time he ever told me that he loved me was when I was 30 and he and my mom were divorcing.

The first time that I experienced real, heart wrenching, unconditional love was when I saw my daughter for the first time. It was only then that I knew what love really was and how deep it can affect me.

Sure, I have thought I was in love hundreds of times (I exaggerate) but unfortunately I have realized that it was just lust and it went away quickly as did I. In the past for me, love was attention. If someone gave me attention and I liked it, I thought it was love. I like to hear the word even if it had no meaning behind it. I would even coax it out of people just to get that rush. Cause we all know that if someone says it, they have to mean it. Duh!

I love things about people. Like my BFF is always there for me even when it is something that she should slap me for and then drive me to the nearest institution. I love how comfortable she is with herself and her ability to always make me feel ok. I love all of the things that a blogger friend of mine helps me open my eyes to about reality. So I do “love” but not in the real sense of the word.

This is my next “change” that I want to make in my conquest for overall health. I want to learn what the true meaning and feeling of love is.

My first step, LOVE ME!!!!

Come on weekend!

2010-08-06T10:47:00.000-07:00

I had the night off from parenting last night. Toots was at grandma’s getting spoiled and I was at home getting schnockerd. I drank entirely too much wine and now I am sitting at work trying to not vomit all over my desk. Why do I do this to myself? Geesh

My roomies made fresh Mahi fish tacos and they were unbelievably good! Gawd I love my roomies.

Toots and I are meeting Mindymom, Lo and a few other friends at a free concert tonight and I can’t wait. The concert is at a local called Hudson Gardens and from what I hear it is a beautiful place that is loaded with flower gardens to die for. What more could you ask for than good friends, kids enjoying themselves, free music, a few beers (maybe not for me) and gorgeous scenery.

Saturday Toots and I will hit the pool and get some vitamin D, and then Sunday I have a baby shower to attend. Pretty mellow weekend here in the old Colorado hood and I am looking forward to every minute of it.

I have recruited a training partner to help me get my workout mojo back and he is killing me. I have been non-stop sore for about 2 weeks now. It hurts so good let me tell you. I have missed this feeling since my lifting hasn’t really been a priority over the last few years. But I am back and with a vengeance. This soon to be uhemmmm 40 in a month girl is not going into middle age without a fight.

So tell me what your plans for the weekend are!

Define Sexy!

2010-07-30T10:21:00.000-07:00

I have been wondering lately what it is that makes someone sexy to others? Is it the way that they carry themselves or the way they speak or look? Maybe it is the way they treat other people or the way they dress? How someone walks or smells? Maybe they have to have the whole package to be sexy to some.

For me, I think that it is a lot about how they make me feel. Someone recently told me that they didn’t care if they were loved, but they needed to be wanted. I understand that comment more than I want to. That feeling of being wanted is so strong for me. I am not even sure what love is sometimes, but being wanted, well that is right up there with my top things in life.

Anyway, sexy to me is someone who knows what they want and it shows in all that they do!

What is SEXY to you?

I am in!

2010-07-21T11:58:00.000-07:00

I am in my new home and it’s not that bad, in fact I really like my new situation. My roommates are a ton of fun so far and can cook amazingly. It’s like a gourmet restaurant at my abode every night and I am going to have to watch myself or I will end up gaining 50 lbs.

We started moving on Friday and worked through out the weekend. Saturday turned out to be the hottest day on record this year hitting 102 degrees and of course that was the BIG moving day. Holly Hell was it hot. Thank god my girl Julia came over to help. Of course we took a break and headed to a New Mexican restaurant for a Margarita.

Mindy came over on Sunday and helped me decorate and down a couple bottles of wine. She met my roommates and enjoyed one of the fabulous meals they made. We had a blast and our girls played for hours together.

Last night was my turn to cook and of course I wanted to show them that I too can make a yummy meal. They decided that they wanted lasagna so I began to mix all the ingredients, and fry up some ground turkey. I went to turn the burner on the stove on and BOOM, a spark and a loud noise and then nothing. The oven stopped working and I am standing there with enough ingredients for two pans and no way to cook them. We ended up cooking one pan on the grill and one in the microwave. Ever had lasagna that has been cooked in the microwave? Not so great. It ended up being eatable and we had enough wine to mask it if it weren’t, so I guess it was not a total loss but geesh, could the cooking gods give me a break over here. I was trying to show that I have some skills.

Then...

Toots comes running in yelling “mommy, the toilet is peeing in you trash can”. Um, WTF??? What do you mean? “It is peeing in you trash can, come see”. Yep, the toilet was leaking and my trash was full of toilet water. I will never doubt her again.

But really, I am enjoying myself and life is good right now!

Putting my Big Girl Panties on!

2010-07-16T10:15:00.002-07:00

I am moving this weekend and let me tell you how freaking excited I am. Ok, I am lying but I figure that if I say it, I will believe it. You know positive thinking and all.

You see, I am moving from a gorgeous new home in the mountains that has a view to die for and wildlife all over the place. I have a large bedroom with ample closet space for my over abundance of un-needed clothing. I have a built in babysitter since I currently live with my mommy and step daddy! Ugg, read I am going to be 40 and it pains me to say that I have been living under my parent’s roof for the last 9 months. Mrs. Independent that moved out when I was 17 and never looked back until now.

I am moving to a house where I will be 10 minutes from my work instead of 1 hour and won’t put the wear and tear on my car. Yay, but… I will have a room the size of my mother’s bathroom and a closet the size of one of her cupboards. The beautiful bed set that I just purchased will remain in storage and I will have to buy another, smaller (full) bed so that I can fit a dresser in and have some place to put my big girl panties (which I am obviously not wearing today) *Insert whiner*. I will be rooming with a woman that I work with and absolutely love and so does my daughter but I mix with roommates like oil and water so I am a little worried. My roommate is a whole story for another post so remind me to tell you that one someday.

Anyway, I am doing all this because it is time for me to grow up again and move out of my mommy’s home. It may be painful, but it is time to cut the umbilical cord.

Wish me luck. Anyone have any plans for the weekend that I can be jealous of?

What is your "Type"?

2010-07-09T09:08:00.000-07:00

When I was younger, I had a definite “type” of guy that I liked. I veered towards the all American football player type. They had to be clean cut, have big muscles and a cute face.

Then I started to drift off to the bad boy with tattoos and a streak of arrogance to him.

When all of that didn’t work, I decided to try out the self assured guy that had never seen the inside of a gym before but was stable. (That is a nice way to say, not so cute and way out of shape)

Basically I go for physical appearance rather than substance. I have never denied being shallow. I own that bitch.

Now here I am, almost 40 and realizing that I need to throw all of these types out the window and concentrate on what is inside instead of how they look. I only realized this after I realized that I had only seen the outside of myself during all of those “types” and now, I know that there is more to me then my appearance. I am growing and changing for the better and it is time to make a change everywhere.

What is your “type” and how has it changed over the years?

It's a vagina thang!

2010-06-30T13:53:00.000-07:00

I have nothing and everything going on right now. Don’t ask, it doesn’t make sense to me either.

I just know that I am physically staying busy with soccer, the gym, my daughter, my friends, a possible move, work, family and a few other things. I have been feeling a little overwhelmed with how busy life is right now and yet I feel like I am at a stand still. It is a weird feeling and I really can’t explain it. It may be what is causing my mental blog block lately. I have a lot to say and yet nothing seems worthy of “putting it out there”.

The mental part is what has me spinning. My brain has been working overtime and it is exhausting. I think too much. I am a chick and that is what we do. Sage is going to say it is the whole “vagina thing” It comes standard issue with the installation of a vagina (his words) and I agree.

So here are some of my confusing hormone induced thoughts as of late.

I hate going out on dates. If I never have to have a first date again I would be very happy.

I hate being pressured to do anything. I shut down and hide.

I have gotten away from working on myself lately. I have had a few wake-up calls reminding me that I still have a lot of work to do.

Life is good right now and yet I have anxiety. It sucks.

I am not strict enough with my daughter and it is going to bite me in the ass soon if I don’t grab hold.

I am getting a divorce. (As in he signed the paperwork) Finally! Woot woot!!!

I am going to be 40 in 2 ½ months. Ugggg

Someone has been consuming my thoughts lately. It is a good thing. I hope!

Work has been crazy lately and I love it. Pulling my hair out makes me happy, go figure.

A female at work told me she has a crush on me. (This is not the person that has been consuming my thoughts) However I took it as a great compliment!

Anywho, there ya have it! Having a vagina can be trying sometimes! *Wink*

Brain Freeze

2010-06-25T13:38:00.000-07:00

Good lord this blog brain freeze has been going on for a while now. I still got nada! I need a muse or "something" to jump start my blogging juices and get them flowing again.
Maybe that is a good thing. Life seems to be going along pretty well right now with no major bumps to complain about. In fact, I have a nice little distraction going on right now that I am going to sit back and enjoy.
I am attending a cancer benefit this weekend and then plan on spending some time in the sun, drink a little wine and relax.

Tell me what are your plans for the weekend?
I want a new tattoo. I need ideas of what and where?

Gorrilla/Toddler Warfare

2010-06-18T09:08:00.000-07:00

My daughter is an Aries and she fits the definition to a tee. She is so damn stubborn and is going to do what she wants come hell or high water. She can be little lover too which keeps me sane! But mostly, she is a little DEVIL.

Need proof? I left her alone for about 10 minutes while I am sure I wasn’t blogging!

Aries

The Aries girl will be full of verve and something of a live wire. With an abundance of energy to burn, she tends to attract many admirers. There is a fiercely independent streak here and any girl governed by this Sign will chart her own course. It would not be unusual to find the Aries girl adopting a leadership role at school and, since this Zodiac Sign rules the head and face, she will always be extremely particular about her make-up. This is a hyperactive youngster...forever rushing from one activity to the next...and given this girl's energy, she is likely to be actively involved in sports, usually of the physically demanding type. Aries girls are self-sufficient and pursue what they want with much willpower and determination. This girl will "think big" and is likely to attend academic institutions which are the most beneficial on a personal level. In short, this is an achiever who is definitely "going places."

Qualities To Encourage:

Confidence - Assertiveness - Courage - Pioneering Spirit

Qualities To Discourage:

Selfishness - Impatience - Quick Temper - Impulsive Behavior

Suitable Future Careers:

Medicine - Dentistry - Art - Music - Entertainment - Social Work - Advertising

Psychiatry - Engineering - Electronics - Sales - Armed Forces

See that, she could be a doctor. I am guessing however that she is going to lean more towards the Armed Forces!

You have questions? I have answers!

2010-06-11T09:03:00.000-07:00

I don’t know what is going on with me but I got nada, shit, nothing right now. I have been so un-blog-ish lately. Even the stuff I want to write about won’t escape my brain long enough to write it down.

So instead, I am leaving it up to you all.

You want to ask me a question?

You want to know something about me that I haven’t already spewed all over the place?

I will be an open book if you ask!

Give me something people, help a sister out!

PS… I love you all!!! My commenter’s are the best and you make me smile daily.

Do you have a secret addiction that you want to share?

2010-06-07T14:14:00.000-07:00

I have lost my blogging mojo. I can't seem to put anything down on paper/computer and I can't seem to catch up with my reading blogs either. I suck lately and I know it but I am slowly working on it.

I was on vacation last week and had a great time but now, well now I am paying for it.

I loved all the comments on my last post. Thanks to all of you that played along. I must admit curiosity on a lot of them but promised I would not look into it. I am curious by nature and it is killing me.

So now I want to know about every ones secret addictions. I may have to post one of my own secretly. *evil little grin*

I will admit to my Skittle addiction and maybe to a small shopping addiction that I have but as for anything more than that, you will have to read anon comments and guess!

I attached my horoscope below because it fits perfectly right now. If the last sentence plays through, I will be a happy camper!

Virgo Love Horoscope for the Week of June 7

June 6, 2010 by Michelle Piller
There’s no doubt you’ve got the energy and the will to move mountains. But you need to overcome that lingering self-doubt. It’s not even just yourself you’re unsure of; it’s your most significant relationship. Inasmuch as you feel ready to charge at anyone who looks at you sideways, it will help you to use your powers of discretion to count to ten before letting them have a piece of your mind. You’re on a journey that will eventually bring about astounding self-discovery and growth. The nicest part of that is that some of that transformation occurs through intimacy. Go get ‘em!

The Secret Box

2010-06-02T21:56:00.000-07:00

I was looking around and found myself at Sageville. Well I have to say that if I have a "type" he is it. Since he has quit reading my blog I guess I can say that. Well he has done a thing called the secret box and since I have sucked at posting lately I thought I would steal this from him and post it. Here are the rules per Sage.

Naughty, nice, troubling, or otherwise. Put them in the secret box. See what others put in the box. Feel free to comment on others secrets, feel free to comment anon. Of course on this post I don't look at stats or anything so say what you want. Leave it in the box.

So put your secrets in the box. Nobody will ever know they are yours. Feel free to post anonymous. I promise to be a better blogger! Don't leave my secret box empty.

Someone is getting some but it isn't me

2010-05-25T12:20:00.000-07:00

I guess it is that time of year that the fish are getting lucky in these parts. Yes, I am talking about carp, those ugly fish that live in the man made lakes around here. At least someone is getting lucky I guess!

Toots and I like to walk around a local lake and then head to the play park attached to it and some how she talked me into heading there on Sunday after I had just gotten my arse kicked in soccer. She was a trooper at my game, so I figured I owed her.

Within the first minute of our walk, we both heard a lot of splashing, so we decided to take a closer look. When I say splashing, I mean like being in a pool with ten thousand toddlers. There were (I think) 2 fish going to town on each other. They were frantically splashing about all over the place. It was a bit disturbing like I was watching fishy porn! Toots was in awe. I couldn’t pull her away from the activity (fighting is what I told her they were doing since she is only 3).

Literally, 1 hour later I had to bribe her with a fish of her own to get her to walk away from the show. So now we are the proud owners of a 2 gallon tank and two goldfish. I guess it is better than having to buy her a video called “Fishy does Family Park”

Part 3 of my childhood.

2010-05-24T13:01:00.000-07:00

It is so weird for me to go back and think about this stuff. In the last 5 or so years, I have tried to look past all of this and forgive. I really have no hard feelings for my parents anymore and I think that bringing up some of this is easier because of that. I know that a lot of my personality is driven because of how I was raised and since I am trying to learn who I am and why I do things, I think that remembering some of this helps me with this.

I also don’t want to tarnish the way people view my mother. She is a truly wonderful and caring person that realizes that she wasn’t a great mom. She was a child herself.

My dad can fend for himself and I will only say that he has changed immensely over the years and all for the better. He loves my daughter and I as much as he possibly can.

My dad was in the military when I was born and did not meet me until I was almost a year old. When he came home, he and my mother got heavily involved with drugs and moved to Colorado to get out from under their parents thumbs. They were the typical hippie parents that carted me around with them while they partied. I basically have very little recollection of my life before the age of 4 or 5 years old which is probably a good thing.

My mother and I bounced between living with my dad in Colorado and living with my grandparents in Ohio until I was about 5. My grandparent’s home was the only stable atmosphere I knew growing up and I was often dropped there as to not burden my parents and their party life. This was probably my saving point and allowed me to learn that I did not want to go down that life path!

When I was young, I am guessing about 5 years old, the one thing I do remember was living in an apartment complex with many floors. I was being watched by an upstairs neighbor and was sent home at the designated time that my parents agreed on. I remember knocking on our apartment door and no one answered. I became scared thinking that maybe it was not my home and I had gone down too many flights of stairs. I walked up and down the stairs crying uncontrollably until, I believe, my stoned father remembered that he was supposed to be at home to greet me and found me sobbing up and down the halls.

Up until about 5th grade, I spent the summers in Ohio and dreaded the time when I had to go back to Colorado and live with my parents. Ohio was safe, loving and normal. My grandmother (my mom’s mom) was everything to me. If it weren’t for her, I am guessing that I would be lying on a corner somewhere right now.

While in Colorado, I listened to my parents drink, drug, fight, and party. I would have to stay at peoples houses that I didn’t know so that my parents could go out and get hammered and drugged up. I never really slept at other peoples houses and I seemed to be in a constant state of anxiety during that time. I remember an anger building in me during that time in my life. One that I did not understand nor could I control.

My father cheated on my mom one night and I remember lying in my room listening to my mom sob, knowing that he wasn’t coming home and what he was doing. I remember being so angry and not being able to do anything about it. I was never allowed to have a voice. I was a child and children were not meant to be heard. My mom returned the favor to him plenty of times through out the next few years. She evened the score if we were counting. I think I was counting.

I think I will keep her!

2010-05-18T14:08:00.000-07:00

I though it was the terrible 2’s. In all honesty, my daughter has been a challenge since the day she was born. She never sat quietly in a car seat as a baby, has never been able to sit in a highchair and eat a meal. When she wants something, she will whine and cry until she gets it. (Even if it is 3 days later, I swear) She is stubborn, demanding and bossy as hell. She has a temper that would scare off a rabid dog. She tests the waters with everything. She pushes every button, tests every limit and uses any resource available to her to see what will happen if... She wants attention every second of the day and she is going to get it by golly! 3’s are turning out to be a much harder age that is for sure.

Hmmm, she sounds a lot like someone else I know!!!

Every single time my little girl pushes me to a breaking point she turns on the charm and kicks my ass even harder. I have blogged about this time and time again.

Here are a few things that keep me from stabbing one of us with a sharp pencil.

She was looking in the mirror the other day and turned to check out her butt! WTH is that?

When I lavish her with kisses she immediately starts to wipe them off. I then start tickling her and saying “you can’t wipe a kiss from mommy off”. Her response. “Mommy, I not wiping them off, I rubbing them in!”

I can’t get her finger out of her nose. It has been surgically implanted in there for about 2 months now. Anyone have tips on getting that one to stop?

She has me rolling around on the ground with her hour long babble singing at the top of her lungs and her favorite saying... “Wha up dawgie?”

We had a big snow storm this year and I was saying that getting to the house was going to be tricky. When we finally made it I turned to Toots and started cheering and acting silly “we made it baby girl, we made it!” Now, every time we pull up to the house she exclaims “we made it mommy, we made it!” I laugh every time.

So, there you have it again. All the reasons why I am going to keep her for a little while longer!

101 Things about me

2010-05-13T14:32:00.000-07:00

I don't expect anyone to actually read through this whole darn thing, but here it is.

1) I am a mom

2) I am a daughter

3) I am a friend to a lot of people

4) I have a lot of long term friends. 15 years+

5) I treat people that I don’t know with kindness

6) I have a great work ethic

7) I love the human body. All shapes and sizes

8) I love red wine

9) I love beer

10) I will not do shots

11) I am a student of life

12) I some times drink way too much

13) I did not have a great childhood

14) I have had a few one night stands

15) I don’t know if I have ever really been in love

16) I have been in lust more times than I can count

17) I have only lived in Colorado and Ohio

18) I have kissed a girl passionately

19) I am attracted to brains and power

20) I have been told that I have a great ass

21) I have competed in figure competitions

22) I have been at 6% body fat before

23) I am not even close to that now

24) I loved my grand mother more than life it’s self

25) I want more for my step sister than she is going to make of herself

26) I am not good in relationships

27) I play soccer

28) I exercise

29) I love sushi

30) I love Mexican food

31) I hate cooked carrots

32) I am anal (Virgo trait)

33) I am a smart ass when I am nervous

34) I love attention

35) Sometimes blogging makes me feel like I am back in High School

36) I care what other people think

37) I have fake breasts

38) I hate my nose

39) I am a control freak

40) I do not understand politics

41) I am not very religious

42) I am a sun worshiper

43) I color my hair and have since High School

44) I did not get stretch marks from having my baby

45) I HATED being pregnant

46) I am athletic

47) I have only been married once

48) I was 36 when I had my daughter

49) I have had an affair

50) I have been cheated on

51) I have tried pot 1 or 2 times and hated it

52) I have done 2 other drugs once and hated them

53) There is someone out there that wants me right now

54) I have a great family

55) I did not go to college

56) I have owned a BMW, Mercedes, Hummer, Audi, F150, Rav 4, Stealth, GLC, Explorer, Prelude, Eclipse, and a Camry.

57) I have a shopping addiction

58) I have no debt right now

59) I paid for my whole pregnancy out of pocket

60) I have no living grandparents

61) I have a huge, wonderful step family

62) I had a Harley for over 10 years

63) I wrecked 2 different Harleys

64) I am very street smart

65) I don’t get offended easily

66) I don’t trust many people

67) I had lived on my own since I was 17 until recently

68) I have had 4 significant, long term, relationships

69) I hate stupid people

70) I am very impatient

71) I love skittles, taffy, chew runts, licorice,

72) I don’t love all things chocolate

73) I get along with most people

74) I have grown up a million times over since I have had my daughter

75) I don’t talk to my daughters sperm donor

76) I don’t get child support

77) I don’t hate anyone

78) I am friends with most all of my ex’s or their family and friends

79) I don’t think before I speak

80) I would rather be on a beach then in the mountains (and I live in Colorado, go figure)

81) I have traveled quite a bit

82) I have dated 2 pro athletes

83) I have been to a game at Lambeau Stadium

84) I hate mouth noises

85) I will stab you if you crack your gum in front of me

86) I was close to first on the scene of a murder

87) I was close to first on the scene of a suicide

88) I took an EMT-B class

89) My dream job is to be a fireman/paramedic

90) I love men that are men

91) I love sexy women

92) I have penis envy

93) I have a deep fear of anything happening to my daughter

94) I love my life, even the stuff I am trying to fix

95) I like muscle

96) If I don’t write something down, I won’t remember it

97) I worked in the slimiest industry around

98) I had vanity plates that said 2ONRY4U

99) I was a BUD GIRL

100) I have posed for nude picture

101) I have been in 2 calendars

Lighting a fire

2010-05-10T08:09:00.000-07:00

Soccer lately has been a struggle for my team. We have been either getting out butts kicked or tying. A couple seasons ago we couldn’t loose and now, well we struggle to tie.

That changed this weekend when we got a fire lit under are asses.
The game started out very mellow and relaxed. We decided that since it was Mothers Day and all, we would just have fun and enjoy the day and some much needed exercise. We were short a player and a few of us were a little hung over, so this was a welcome idea. There was a lot of fun friendly banter going on out on the field between our two teams.

And then…

Now let me describe my girl. She is about 5’11 and built like a brick shit house. She is the queen of athleticism and has a rocking body. So another words, she is not fragile at all. She is also very aggressive and because of her size, she can take a girl down without trying to. She is one of the nicest girls on the field, but get in her way, and you are going to get hurt. Some weak minded girls take her ability to go after the ball and get it as rude and too aggressive for a full contact sport!

Scene: A small, young blonde girl and my girl were going after the ball and collided. There was no malicious intent on either part, just the game of soccer. Blondie got up and called my girl a BIG OGAR! Bad move little one!!

We promptly scored about 10 goals on her ass to prove what Ogars can do!!

My girl is making me brag on myself a little here too. I played great and probably had my best game ever. See what happens when you mess with one of mine!!!

Happy Mothers Day!

2010-05-07T11:55:00.006-07:00

In honor of all of the GREAT mothers that I have connected with here in bloggy land and IRL...

Don't mess with our cubs or we will take you down!

I will be playing soccer in the am and then having a nice dinner and drinks with my mom and Toots at our favorite restaurant. I can't wait!

Have a great Mother's Day, Sunday everyone.

The good life

2010-05-04T10:12:00.000-07:00

My mothers dream for me is to be in a happy, loving relationship. She tells me all the time that she wants me to find love, a partner, some one to live happily ever after with. She told me the other night that this is all she hopes for me.

I find this concept amusing. She is the type of person that has to be with someone to be “ok”. She went from her parents to my father for over 30 years and directly to my step dad for the last 10 years with absolutely no break. She is happy, very happy with her life and that makes me happy for her.

But…

That is not who I am. I am a loner, and am happy and comfortable when I am by myself. I enjoy peace and quiet and not having to answer to anyone. Do I need companionship every once in a while? Hell yes! Do I want to someday find “the one”? Hell yes! But does it define me like it does her? NO!!

For most of my life I have done things solo and it has never bothered me. I don’t really even know any different. Very few times in my life have I had someone to help with bills or scheduling or things like that. It doesn’t bother me because I don’t know any different.

Being a single mom is no big deal to me. I never thought it would be any different. It seems like the norm to me that I have to do it all by my self. I have family that will always help when they can and I have some really great friends that would do anything for me and my daughter any time.

I think my life is the way it supposed to be right now and I am happy. And, guess what mom? I am in a happy loving relationship right now. Toots and I have each other and that is what I call a GOOD LIFE!!!

Who are you?

2010-04-30T11:05:00.000-07:00

I have seen this done around bloggy land lately, and since I am a follower, I figured that I would go ahead and do it too!

I love that people read and comment on this little blog that is my life. I appreciate every single one of you and want you to know that! You have all helped me grow so much over the last year and I have needed to do some growin, let me tell you. It is so nice to have a community to bounce ideas off of, get real advice from, hear others experiences and so much more.

So, if you read this, please comment and tell me who you are and why you blog! I want to know more about you all!!!!

Is Personal Growth a Bad Thing in the Dating World?

2010-04-27T10:16:00.000-07:00

This is something that I have been thinking about lately since I am for all intense purposes single and at some point will jump back into the o-so-wonderful world of dating. I am going to be 40 years old in a few months and you all know that I have really been working on trying to figure out who I am (in all aspects) and what makes me, well, me.

In the last year I have grown in so many ways and yet I know that I have so MUCH more growing to do. I think that this is a common theme in most of the single, 40ish/middle aged women that I know. They are either in a spot where they are comfortable with whom they are for the first time in their lives, or are working diligently to get there.

It seems like the past 20 years or so, I was living life, making (MANY) mistakes, learning from some and just dealing with others, chasing the proverbial dream and not being too serious about any one thing or person. Life seemed for the most part to be easy because I didn’t really care. I had plenty of time for that. Lately, I have become much more complicated and to me, this is a good thing, but is it in the realm of “relationship world”.

So my question is this. Do men want to date a women that is more comfortable in her skin, but has more boundaries, won’t put up with as much shit because we know more of what we want and don’t want, are more set in our lives and life styles and have real life “baggage”, but are more comfortable with our bodies, and are all and all mentally healthier?

OR…

Do they want the 20, early 30 something that may be less comfortable with their sexuality and less mentally healthy, but aren’t always questioning things to death, are more day by day, are able to be molded, and aren’t looking for someone to grow old with yet?

I am guessing that my (I am generalizing, sorry) answer lies in the fact that I only see men my age with younger women.

I am also guessing that if I were a man, (oh how I would love to be for just 1 day) I would date the hot young chick that isn’t “so healthy” that they analyze and “try to figure” out every single thing that happens.

I guess I just answered my own question. What are your thoughts?

Doctor Shmoctor... I am doing good. Right?

2010-04-21T09:21:00.000-07:00

Toots had her 3 year wellness visit yesterday and I left the doctors office realizing that I might not have this whole parenting thing down yet.

I got scolded for how much milk she drinks. She is in the 5th percentile in weight and 10th percentile in height which is good since she never used to even register. She is a twerp and eats like a bird (I know), she is going to be little like her momma, what can I say. Apparently it is because I let her have milk every time she asks for it and so she is not eating the right amount of food that she needs. So now my little girl is going to have to be weaned off her favorite calorie source and I am going to have to learn to cook. Darn it, milk was much easier.

Then…

She is also very shy for about the first 20 minutes of being in new surrounding s and meeting new people, so when he was trying to see where she was verbally, he couldn’t really get a feel. In the 20 minutes that he saw her, he decided that I might want to have her evaluated on her speech. He showed her a couple pictures of animals and asked which one fly’s. She couldn’t tell him. He asked her which one gallops and she couldn’t tell him that either. When we were alone, I asked her what birds do and she told me that they sit in trees and make this noise, (insert chirping) and horses go num num when they eat hay! He asked her what you do with a cup and she told him that she dumps it on her head in the bathtub. So we see and do things a little differently at our house (imagine that). I hope that doesn’t mean that I am doing and teaching her incorrectly, just different.

Basically he said that he couldn’t understand 75 percent of what she said (which was not that much to begin with) and that if I wanted to, I could have her evaluated by a speech therapist. I talked to a bunch of people that are around her enough for her to be comfortable and all of them think that she is right on track. It would be free help if she is a little behind, but I would have to take time off work and right now, I can’t afford to do that. I would do anything for the well being, of my child, but does she need it based on 20 minutes with a doctor? What to do, what to do?

Then…

Then, to add a little more salt to my already abused by the doctor wound, as my daughter was crawling all over me and wanting to jump from the medical table, he asked me if I had read Love and Logic or wanted to attend a parenting class. Holly hell, this is 20 minutes of our lives and doesn’t quite depict reality.

This is normal doctor telling 3 year old parents stuff right? Right???????????????

The Happiness Project: Week 8

2010-04-20T13:41:00.000-07:00

Dual Mom posted this the other day. It made me laugh cause it is soooo me! I had just been checking out my awesome new 4" heels that I was sporting and thinking that I have a serious shoe/slut pump fetish. I am 5'2, so unless I am wearing gym tennis shoes or flip flops, you will always see me wearing very tall heals. I must have at least 100 pairs of shoes stashed every where.
So for the gals that obsess about shoes like Dual Mom and I do, here are a few that make me HAPPY...

Lover, you don't treat me no good no more!

2010-04-16T12:06:00.000-07:00

I LOVE me this song! I don’t know what it is about it, but it makes me want to get up and MOVE!

He isn't that hard on the eyes either.

Have a Great Weekend all!!!!!!!

A dumb dating rule!

2010-04-15T12:48:00.000-07:00

Seriously people, what is the deal with the 3 day call rule when dating. I think it is crap and it tells me that they weren’t that interested or they couldn’t have waited that long.

What are your thoughts?

Part 2 of my childhood. Intro

2010-04-13T14:45:00.000-07:00

Here is a quick glance at the history of each of my parents.

My mom- Her parents were, from what I know, the normal 50’s Beaver Cleaver family. She had twin brothers that were 7 years older than her and she was the precious baby girl. My grandmother was a saint in everyone’s eyes, especially mine and my mothers. My grandfather, in my mother’s eyes was a great loving father, but if you ask my uncles, he was a cheating, abusive, bigoted drunk. He had a heart attach and died when I was 6, so I don’t remember too much about him other than what I am told. I do remember that he loved me to death. I was from his precious daughter and that made me precious. He would take me fishing and to the railroad to play on the caboose. He didn't do that with any of my cousins.

My dad- His dad and my grandmother divorced when my dad was born. My grandmother remarried when my dad was around 1 years old. My dad’s real father was never really in the picture, in fact, I think I have only met him once or twice. His step father was his dad and my grandpa and was a great, loving man. With that said, I am not sure how he lived with my grandmother his whole life. She was a very cold woman that really didn’t know how to show affection, at least not to me or my dad. She was eccentric and always right. I loved her, but she was not your typical loving grandmother. My dad has a step brother whom I don’t remember spending a lot of time with and I don’t think that he and my father have talked since my grandma died three and a half years ago.

My parents met in junior high school and basically started to date at that time. My dad was the stud athlete and my mom was queen of everything. She was stunningly beautiful from the pictures I see. My mother became pregnant with me when she was 17 and my dad was 18. They got married and this is where my story starts!

**I also want to point out that both of my parents were very young when they had me and as I have been told numerous times in my life, "they did the best they could". I had never understood this until lately. It always angered me when they would say that since they dragged me unwilling into their mess.
However, now that I am older and have a child of my own, I understand that their only other choices would have been to give me up or not have me at all. I am thankful that they made the choice they did and that I am able to make choices now.
My memories of my childhood are not good ones for the most part, but both of my parents are great people now. Both except me for who I am and what I have done in my life. Both would die for me and my daughter. I am very lucky for the relationship I have with them considering my childhood.

Learning

2010-04-09T10:07:00.000-07:00

Warning to the family members that read my blog, you may want to skip this one. In fact, I promise you will want to skip this one.

Warning to the men that read my blog, this is not a request for a teacher.

I find myself being torn in a few directions when it comes to blogging. I started this as a mommy blog that was going to be a journal of my journey with and for my daughter. As it has progressed, it has become more of a place for me while I am learning personal growth with a sprinkle of my daughter’s life thrown in. Some of the things that I want to write about, I am afraid to because I don’t want her to know that side of me nor should a child want to know certain things about their parents. Yet other parts are exactly what I want her to know about me. This post is not one of those…

Recently in my quest to become a better person and get to know who I really am, I realized that I have never really liked sex. Yes, I know this is strange coming from someone that has dated half of the population of Colorado and talks and thinks about it 24/7, but sex to me has been more for getting attention, to feel wanted and loved right now, not to actually savor and enjoy a connection. There have been many times when I was in a relationship that I actually hated sex and felt more like it was a chore or a duty. Sure I get pleasure from sex, but not that deep knowing, that inner connection that I really desire. I am talking about that pleasure someone gets when they really know them selves and what they like and want and are not concerned with making someone like them because of their looks or sexappeal.

Lately I find myself being drawn to blogs that are sexually open and comfortable. I like to hear what people say that are comfortable enough with themselves and their sexuality to tell me through their words and pictures. I listen to stories of true love and passion, of multiple orgasm and think to my self, is this really something that they experienced? Does this really happen to people? If so, I WANT THIS TOO!

It is funny to me that people that are aware of their sexuality carry a certain stigma. I find it so empowering and really wish I knew how to get there.

I want to know what it is like to have passion and comfort with someone. To have sex mean more than, well, sex. I want to know what makes me tick and what true pleasure is. I am not looking for sexual experiences; I have had plenty of those. I am looking to learn for myself first, then when I am ready, find someone that I feel comfortable enough with to learn how to love passionately.

On a funnier note: It makes me laugh when I comment on some of these blogs. Me kissing my new born baby picture doesn’t really fit in too well. I wonder what other commenter’s think when they see my comment. Um, this chick is lost!!!!

The Happiness Project: Week 6

2010-04-06T18:35:00.000-07:00

This had to be the best weekend ever with my daughter. We were both sick and still managed to have a blast together.

Saturday morning we met her daycare lady/friend and 3 of the kids that she watches at an Easter egg hunt. There were over 300 kids and parents there and it was controlled chaos to say the least. Toots hung with the Easter Bunny for a bit and then enjoyed 3 seconds of finding eggs. She actually had a great time and we all enjoyed the sunshine for a change.

Sunday morning we woke up and looked for all of the cool things that the Easter Bunny left. That silly bunny even hid a yeyow egg in the twee. (Yellow egg in the tree for those who don't speak sugared-out toddler). I let her enjoy here first and possibly last PEEP. Those damn things can make a toddler a little on the wacked out. Then...

This coming Saturday is Toot’s third birthday and I am a lazy mom. I have decided that the only 3 things she will get excited about this year is the cake, the singing of “Happy Birthday” and the presents, so I decided to kill 2 bunnies with one egg and celebrated her Birthday with the family the week before on Easter Sunday.

It was such a beautiful day here in Colorado. We ran around the yard, basting in the sunshine and catching bubbles from her new bubble wand. It was everything I imagined when I imagined having a child. Like “Leave it to Beaver” land I tell ya!

It worked out famously I think. She was so excited that she had her very own cake to take and that people were going to sing Happy Birthday to her. Her face lit up when we were done singing and she got to blow out the candles. Now that I think about it, she may have just been glad that we stopped singing. But none the less, she was grinning from ear to ear.

When she was done opening her presents, she gave everyone a hug and a kiss and was just so happy. I couldn’t stop smiling either. She carried every one of the presents and the card that she got around the rest of the day and even when we were in the car on the way home, she was doing the head bob, trying so hard to stay awake so that she wouldn’t have to put anything down.

Yep, it was a good weekend! Even if I kind of let her think her Birthday was a week early!

A look into my childhood

2010-04-05T12:56:00.000-07:00

When I was going to my therapist, she gave me a worksheet where I had to write down 5 happy memories from my childhood and 5 bad memories. I stared at that sheet for at least 2 weeks and never was able to fill it out. I kept making up excuses and finally my therapist called me on it. For some reason, my mind just would not let me remember any of it, good or bad. Since then, I have realized that I want to remember, if not for me, then for my daughter.

I have no idea what my grandparents lives were like prior to me. All of them are deceased and I have no way of asking them now that I am old enough to care about it. I don’t want my daughter to someday wake up and not know about the people she loves lives before her. I can’t give her their histories, but at least I can give her a glimpse of mine.

I am going to try to delve into this and I am sure I will bore the hell out of some of you. I will post other things in the process of putting it all in writing, but please don’t feel bad if you just can’t make yourself read my dribble. I completely understand and know that this is more for my sanity and my daughter’s future questions about her momma. Hell, she may not even ever want to know.

Virgo, the Fallen Angel

2010-04-01T10:21:00.000-07:00

I love getting these horoscopes weekly. They make me giggle.

Sasstrology.com

Let’s take a look at Virgo, one of the kinkiest signs around.

The symbol for Virgo is the Virgin, and it helps to keep in mind when dealing with this highly paradoxical sign. No matter how many times they’ve been around the block, Virgos always seem as fussy and particular as a first-timer. Don’t be fooled — this is only one half of this dual sign. Make no mistake: Virgo is dual, just like Gemini or Pisces, but Virgo often hides its duality, even from itself.

As an earth sign, they are less comfortable with the changeability of their mutable natures and often seek to suppress it. Part of Virgo wants to remain pristine and proper, while the other part wants to get down and dirty. Virgo enacts the tense “virgin/whore” polarity in almost all aspects of life, and this can result in some intriguing bedroom quirks, to say the least.

Foremost, Virgo is Mercury-ruled, and can build elaborate mental fences around their most taboo desires. They tend to create exacting-but-arbitrary conditions under which specific desires can be satisfied (as in “only if her name starts with P,” or “only on a Tuesday during tax season.”) If a Virgin violates her own rules, she feels unpleasantly grubby. If her conditions are met, she feels just dirty enough — she maintains her “virgin” status but has given the “whore” her due.

Both the dirt and the whore metaphors can become a literal part of Virgo’s sex life. Your Virgo may cringe in horror if you have a spot on your shirt, but then the duality strikes: you discover that she has a real lust for sex in dirty, squalid, or even demeaning locations. Or, after fainting dead away when you forget to wash your hands in the restroom, they may inform you that they’re turned on by the idea of scat play, enema play, and watersports. The contradictions can be surprising.

The Virgo influence is often found in charts of people who enjoy humiliation as part of domination scenarios: they can make great slaves. There’s also a tendency to hire sex workers, or to haunt the strip bars and peep shows — the cheaper, the better, on both counts.

Virgos are also prone to wanting two partners. This is not quite the same as Gemini’s Mercurial curiosity; the Virgo who wants two partners sincerely believes he or she needs two full-time wives, or two full-time husbands, or possibly one of each. Permanent menage a trois living situations often center around a strong Virgo, particularly a Plutonian one.

Not every Virgo-influenced lover will go to extremes. In the case of this sign, it seems that the more influence given to Virgo in the chart (especially with aspects from Saturn or Pluto) the more likely the kinks. A stand-alone Virgo Sun or Virgo Venus, for instance, may merely result in a lover who is somewhat reticent, even prudish, on the surface, but surprisingly erotic when the lights go down. Most will have their peculiarities, though, and anyone who loves them must be able to accommodate.

If you’re willing to navigate the complexities of Virgo sexuality, you’ll be rewarded with a responsive, inventive, lovable lover. This sign has its quirks, yes, but Virgo relationships are often highly devoted and emotionally rich. If you think you can handle the sexy ambivalence of a perpetually falling angel, find yourself a Virgin. The experience will be unforgettable.

Hmmmm, Not real sure that I am like this, but hell, maybe I just haven't given into it yet.

The Happiness Project: Week 5

2010-03-30T07:38:00.001-07:00

Happiness is when my 2 year old is not afraid to try things in life. When she shows signs of athleticism and having fun!

She make's me beam with pride!

All worn out!

2010-03-29T13:01:00.000-07:00

I was on a roll with my work outs and then life, old age and Colorado weather hit me and now the only roll I am on is around my gut.
1st, my knees hurt, so I went to the doc and he said that my knee caps were turned and all I needed to do was to build up a bit more muscle. Ouch! Hey I knew that!

Then came my 1st soccer game of the year and my cute new shoes gave me blisters. I sat a week out from running for that one. Damn cute shoes. What can I say, a girl has gotta look good.

Then, my hip was feeling sore everyday after I ran and then I felt a little pop and guess what. One more week out of the gym for me. Oh, and a new pair of good running shoes.

Now, my little germ factory brought home a cold from Mindy’s house that is just bad enough to keep me from running any distance. Thanks Mindy!

Then add into that, the weather around here hasn’t been too soccer friendly. The last 2 games were canceled because of snow and this Sunday is Easter so we won’t have a game.

Please tell me that nothing else can happen. I think my three are all used up now.

I signed up for my ½ marathon today, so this momma better suck it up and endure the wrath that has been bestowed upon me the last few weeks.

I have until June 6th if anyone (T) has any suggestions on how to train for a 13.1 mile run at an altitude of almost 10000ft. I am all ears.

2010-03-26T10:56:00.000-07:00

My daughter is very observant and not so quiet!

Look mommy! I see his BUTT!!!!!!!!

The Happiness Project Week 4

2010-03-23T07:39:00.000-07:00

Wine makes me happy almost every day! Sometimes 1 glass, sometimes MORE!

The crappy wine glass shown is so that you all think I am classier than I am. I normally drink out of a red plastic cup! Cause that is how I roll!

I feel like DadsHouse with all of the links I am sportin today!

2010-03-19T09:16:00.000-07:00

It is a very sad time in my life right now. The man that I thought was “the one” that would never cheat and change the way women thought a husband should be… has fallen.

Damn you Jessie!

How could your hot ass do that to my girl Sandra!!!!!

What is this world coming to?

On a much brighter note, I have a button! Woot woot. My girl at Leigh Vs Laundry designed it for me and I LOVE her and it! So go ahead and grab it. You know you want it!!!

Oh yeah, I am still working at “Loose it Bitches”, but I also still refuse to actually weigh myself. So I am playing soccer, running 5k’s every chance I get and going to the gym at least 4-5 times a week. I feel pretty good. If it weren’t for the pound of Skittles I consume daily I am guessing I would notice a huge difference. Good Lawrd they are my weak spot!

This song gives Country music a bad name. Seriously, WTF?

It is snowing here in the good old state of Colorado, so my soccer game will probably be canceled. I am pretty depressed about that, so I guess I will just have to go to Mindy’s and drink wine instead!

Have a good weekend everyone!

Links today are inspired by Dadshouse.

Don't Blink

2010-03-17T14:08:00.000-07:00

Please don't take this post wrong, because I know that life throws us curve balls all of the time and I am not even sure that I am going to be able to get across what it is that I am trying to say here.

But…

I have been reading a lot of novels that are based in the past. Like the 10th thru the17th centuries. I think about these people and how important their rolls were to the people around them and then 2 generations later, Pfttttttttttttt no one really even remembers them unless they play a part in the history books. And even then, they are just a name, a product or a story. It makes me feel small and wonder what life really means if we only have a few short years to "feel" and then we just don't exist any more.

Like that song "Don't Blink" by Kenny Chesney. Trust me, 100 years goes faster than you think.

It is so true that the only thing guaranteed in life is death. We have approximately 100 years to live this life if we are lucky. To be something or someone to ourselves and people around us. In the history of the world, that is so miniscule! I know that this sounds morbid and possibly depressing, but take it for what it is. A wake up call to me and maybe some of you!

By the way, when I refer to "we" I mean "me".

We put way too much emphasis on shit that doesn't matter! We need to live life doing something, anything that makes us happy. We need to stop worrying about what we can't control. We need to stop worrying about the future and live our best "today". I know it is easier said than done, but really think about it. We only have a short amount of time to live this life that we were given, so we need to do what it takes to make every single day count and be happy.

In 100 years, no one is going to remember that you had 500 one night stands in your lifetime or if you tried every drug out there. Sadly, no one is even going to remember if you helped thousands of people out of poverty or built a school for the needy. No one is going to care if you were hot, ugly or creepy. We won't matter 100 years from now, so let’s not worry about it. Let’s be happy today!

Think about it. If sleeping with that guy/girl makes you happy today and it doesn't go against who you are or what you believe in and doesn't hurt anyone else, then do it! No one is going to care or remember it in 10 years and especially not in 100. And if they do, well, they will be dead too, so again who cares!

So really, we need to make today the best it can be. We need to take advantage of what makes us happy. If we live our lives blaming, complaining and angry, we are only wasting our short time here. We are just wishing our lives away!

Does this make any damn sense?

The Happiness Project Week 3

2010-03-15T07:05:00.000-07:00

Soccer started this weekend. Snow and all! I love the girls on my soccer team and all of the exercise I get!

I don't however like the blisters that I am sporting on my ankles right now!

Question of the Day?

2010-03-12T09:17:00.000-07:00

Body or face, body or face?

So hypothetically, if you had to choose between body and face, which one would you choose? I don’t want to hear the “neither, I want someone that makes me laugh or has a great personality” blah blah blah. I also don’t want the answer “I can get them in the gym and change the body, or I can have them get Botox on the face” crap. This is a completely superficial and shallow question.

So, body or face and why?

It's not my fault

2010-03-09T10:05:00.000-07:00

It is funny, or maybe not funny at all, but since I have become so Aware (there is that damn word again) I keep finding all of these things that I have been doing that make me want to crawl in a hole and hide my face in shame. I have realized that when I am angry, it is not really about the person that it is directed at. My anger usually comes from a place in me where there is guilt about something that I have done or not done. I do know that as long as I know about this, and am working on fixing it, I don't have to beat myself up over it as much as I would have. It is just something that needs to be addressed so that I can keep growing and bettering myself.

The thing that I find most sad about this is that my whole entire life I have been lashing out at others for my lack of “doing or not doing”. I am sometimes verbally hateful to someone before I realize that this is about me. Then to top it off, my stubbornness stops me from taking responsibility and apologizing.

Example; I leave my belongings lying around when I should have picked them up. Someone says something to me like “do you want these “items” still?” My mind registers this as this person is criticizing my ability to pick up after myself by underhandedly asking me why I didn’t pick my shit up. In reality, this person just wanted to know if I still wanted this item and they meant nothing other than that. I become defensive and read into what they said because I feel guilty about being a slob or lazy.

Here is a situation where I saw someone else doing it, and I had a realization of how crazy I must look when I act this way. It was one of those slap your palm on your forehead moments.

My 16 year old step sister was at the house and was being snot to everyone. She wanted to use my laptop and I told her no because I wasn't going to do something for someone that was treating everyone that cared about her like crap. So the minute I left the house, she got on my computer. Low and behold something she tried to download infected my laptop and it became completely unusable.

She was afraid to tell me, so instead she hid in her room all morning only to come out and ignore me, glare at me and pass her fears off on me, like the whole thing was my fault. I mentioned that it would go a lot better for her if she would just come to me and say sorry.

Her: Ok, I am sorry that I got a virus on your computer.

Me: Well I am not very happy about it, but I would have felt better if you would have just come to me, told me about it and said sorry instead of acting like you’re mad at me and ignoring me.

Her: Well, it wasn't my fault.

Me: Really, then who's fault is it?

Her: It was an accident and you have no right to be mad at me.

Me: (in my head) *walk away slowly* When you figure out how to realize your guilt and not show it with anger, come and find me.

Later in the day, she tearfully came to me and admitted that she knew she was wrong and was mad at herself but was too proud to admit it, so instead she acted mad and childish.

The big thing for me was that if a teenage girl can figure this out, it is most definitely time for an almost 40 year old to.

Since then, another situation has occurred that made me so incredibly angry and aggressive towards someone that I care about. I took a step back, analyzed what the underlining issue was and realized again that it was because I have been mad at myself about something that I feel I should make an effort to change and yet have done nothing about. I ended up apologizing and explain my fear to them. It made a huge difference for both of us.

Ah, the lessons we can learn when we open our minds.

The Happiness Project!

2010-03-07T16:41:00.000-07:00

My daughter is an Aries and this was done last summer. She will always be with me where ever I go.

I am in trouble

2010-03-05T10:05:00.000-07:00

My loving daughter has been the epitome of the perfect “terrible two”. Everything is a fight right now and just when it gets so bad that I feel like jumping out of a 10 story building, she goes and does something so cute that all I want to do is squeeze her and never let her go. She has that built in ability to push me to my limit and then regain all of my happiness with one gesture or smile. If I could just bottle this shit.

The other day she was hiding under my mother’s shirt while it was physically on her body. My mom was acting like she didn’t know where she was. “Where is Toots?” “Has anyone seen Toots?” All of a sudden from under her shirt, you hear Toots yell, “Grandma, I am up stairs”.

I had Target bags full of toiletries that I had just bought. It was really quiet and I decided to go see what my loving 2 year old was up to. She had put it all away. In the right places. Places that she can’t reach without moving furniture. She is 2. I knew I had her for a reason.

Toots demanded her nightly sippy of milk to take to her room. She was holding on to it for dear life when she turned to me with the devils look and yelled “mommy, get me my milk”. I started to look around when I noticed it in her little grubby paws. I said “look at your hands”. She looks down and said “good thing” and rolls her eyes.

I am raising a mini me, the me before I became AWARE of being an ass! Good Lord am I in trouble.

Big Smile

2010-03-03T09:40:00.000-07:00

My pants are baggy today! Really, really baggy! That is all!

A Poem for moi!

2010-03-02T13:54:00.001-07:00

I have a new bloggy friend

His name is Mark The Savage
He is big and tatted up
The kind of man I would like to ravage.
He writes amazing poems
You should go over and get to know him.
(Yeah, I know, I suck. But he doesn't, so go and check him out)

Here is what I made him write for me.

Danielle's request was about how I can't get my mind off of her ever since we met. She doesn't realize how true it is... (wink) At any rate her's is the most complex poem I have written so far. 8 words per line and 8 lines. Notice how her name is spelled out with the first letter of each word corresponding with each line....

8 Words by 8 Lines = She

Damn! I can’t get her off my brain

Not anyone else has me feeling the same

I go nuts that our worlds are apart

October last year is when we got our start

She, the woman that every night I see

Behind my eyes when I lay myself asleep

She, the reason I do every little thing

She, the only one and She, my everything

-Mark “The Savage” George

"The Happiness Project"

2010-03-01T15:00:00.014-07:00

Leigh Vs Laundry has a great idea for Mondays. I am going to follow along. Go check her out and follow along too.

Happiness is the view from my mom and step dads deck.

Ca Ching!

2010-02-24T15:33:00.000-07:00

One half of the couple that went to Reno last week end, put $20 in the slots and won $10.4 million works with my mom. I think that just made the odds of me ever winning the lotto about an ice cubes chance in hell. I don’t think that stuff ever happens twice within the same people pool. Darn it!

My mom said that it was like a morgue around the office the day they found out. What is it that makes some people actually hate it when someone else has extreme good fortune? Some of the people at her work were actually mad that she was going to continue to work there. They feel like she should give up her job to make room for a needier person. To that I say who are you to tell her what to do? If she feels like working and still does a good job, back off! We don’t know what her personal situation is or how many people she feels obligated to “give” to.

I have to admit that I felt a HUGE pang of jealousy when I heard though. She is a really nice person and I actually work with her often since she is one of my company’s suppliers. I am very happy for her and her family. Ouch, there is that damn pang again. Lol

So I have pretty much been thinking about what I would do with that kind of money. How would I let my life be changed?

I would make sure my mom and dad were both financially set.

I would make sure money for Toot’s education was put aside.

I would buy a modest townhome right here in Colorado.

I would make sure my retirement was taken care of.

I would allow myself a yearly annuity for bills, charity, fun and every day life. I am a pretty giving person by nature, so I am sure I would be finagled into forking out to others here and there.

Oh yeah, a few wrinkles might mysteriously disappear and my wardrobe would expand a little.

Amazingly enough though I don’t think that much more would change for me.

But, I might change my tune if the dream ever had an ice cubes chance in hell of becoming reality!

What would the first thing that you all would do with that kind of money.

Trying to catch the proverbial tail!

2010-02-23T09:36:00.000-07:00

This may seem like an “I hate life, whoa is me” post, but it isn’t. This is just me trying to figure out which piece of the puzzle to put together first. I am so excited to finally be working towards real self happiness.

I don’t feel sorry for myself at all. I actually feel like a huge weight has been lifted with just the realization of needing to change/fix the way I am. I see people that are happy and in healthy, mature relationships, and I think that is going to be me some day soon. (Not too soon, but within the next decade or so) I see people that don’t financially struggle and I think, see it is possible, I was there once, and I can get there again. I see people truly liking their own bodies and being physically fit and I think I am already working on this and seeing results although the physical part is the easy part. It all gives me hope and a feeling that it does exist, I just don’t know where to start with so many areas that need fixing.

I have been listening to the “Secret” and “The Law of Attraction” and I have to say that I am torn on what I think about it. This also means that it won’t work for me until I can believe it whole heartedly. They say with absolutely no doubts. I have doubts! Lots of them.

On the one hand, I completely get the concept behind positive thinking and that people are drawn to positive people and things. I believe that positive attitudes are infectious, and so on. I do think that if you believe in something with all of your heart, that you will work harder or take steps to achieve it. I really think that I get the concept. But…

How do I get to that point? I am not at a point in my searching to know all of the specifics about what I want, or to believe in something so strongly with NO doubts, at all, that I am beaming with happiness about it. I have never known or been shown how to do this. I was not raised to not doubt and question things. I was not raised to put my faith in someone else’s hands. I was not raised to trust blindly or for that matter, to trust myself. I was taught that you have to fight for everything and that life will always try to trip you up. I know that this sounds sick and right about now I am questioning my childhood more than ever, but my family were self proclaimed realists who had to fight for almost everything. Other than my mother and grandmother, I have never had unconditional love shown to me. Nor have I ever been able to give it to anyone besides them or my daughter. This includes me loving myself, which is my biggest problem and the first one that I need to FIX.

Maybe you have to be further along in the “I am healthy stage” than I am to get how to “put it out there” I don’t know how to not doubt. I have so many fears and so much to fix within my self, that sometimes I feel like I am drowning and don’t know which life boat to grab onto first. Thank god I have life boats available though. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t suffer from depression or anything that makes me feel like it is not worth it. Actually just the opposite. I have always seen better days, so I know that I have things to look forward to.

Where does someone that doesn’t yet love themselves start trying to fix themselves? To really love myself, I think that I need to fix something’s. It feels like the chicken/egg. Like a never ending figure 8.

I know that you have to start somewhere, but every time I have an “ahha” moment, my mind goes in circles and I feel like I am trying to catch my tail. I know that I need to fix “this”, then something else pops into my head and then I start thinking that I can’t fix “this” until I fix “this” and around I go until I can’t remember where it all began. Kind of like this way this post is going. In circles. Lol.

Has anyone else out there ever been so far removed from your own beliefs and values that you really don’t know who the real you is anymore?

I know that I can do it. I know that I am meant to spend the rest of my life being a better me. Now I just need to figure out who me is.

Her calling????

2010-02-21T10:18:00.000-07:00

I think I have an artist on my hands and she is not even 3 yet!!!!

Rabid Pit Bull or Something Else?

2010-02-17T10:54:00.002-07:00

This weekend I ran into a situation that happens a lot in my life and yet this was the first time that I saw it for what it was. Now, I need to find a way to put all of the pieces of it together, figure out my part in it and then learn to work on my reaction to these situations in the future.

When I was growing up, my father was the “law” in my family. He is a very hard person to explain and this maybe why I can’t figure out some of my issues when it comes to him. If you can’t explain it, how can you figure it out? However, I am going to try so that I can get past some of the older baggage that I carry around.

My father is always right, you can’t change his mind and for the most part, you can’t even talk to him about it. If you try, he will badger you until you submit or just ignore you. He does all of this in a very passive way that is hard for me to put into words. I do know that to this day, it makes me feel small and irrelevant. I can be talking about my daughter and how something makes me feel and he will argue with me about it. This man sees my daughter a total of 2 hours a week, if that and I am always around for it and yet he wants to tell me what is best for her or how I feel about a situation with her.

My mother and father were married for 30 years and together since middle school. My mom hates confrontation, so when my dad would badger her, she would just completely shut down and internalize her feelings. She couldn’t win anyway, so what was the point of talking to him? Years and years of this kind of thing with him has resulted in a lot of health issues for her and an inability to talk about problems of any kind that relate to her.

The other problem is that I am a lot like my dad and when someone won’t communicate with me, I start to badger them. I begin to feel like I am spiraling into a huge well of anxiety when someone shuts me out and my survival instincts kick in. It’s like I begin to fight for my life or at least answers. I may even be more like him than I think and “want to win” too. So, when my mom and I have an issue, I try to confront it, she gets a glimpse of my dad and shuts down, I want answers, so I start to charge at her like a rabid pit-bull and it creates a massive disconnect.

Here is the other issue that I have. I tend to find relationships with people that can’t or won’t communicate with me either. I really just thought that I was the only person on earth that like to talk about issues until this weekend when I realized that this is a pattern with me from childhood and that it is not normal. Communication is a major part in any relationship, and my three (maybe more) faults that play into this are;

1). the way I go about initiating the conversation. My demeanor and attitude going in.

2). my subconscious ability to either draw to me or search out this kind of person that is unable to talk things out.

3). the badgering that I do to make someone communicate with me. The wanting answers/wanting to win.

After both my mom and I calmed down, we had a decent conversation that I hope will help with future issues and the way we communicate about them.

I realized that yes, I am right to want to communicate with people but I have to choose relationships with people that can communicate, tweak my ways of initiating it and my reasons for wanting to communicate in the first place.

All and all, a good realization and step towards my “getting healthy” quest.

Sorry if I haven't told you lately.

2010-02-16T08:30:00.001-07:00

I thought a lot about Valentines Day over the weekend, not because I don’t have a romantic love interest right now and I was feeling sorry for myself or anything like that, but more about the history of holiday’s and what they were meant to mean to us. In history, we honored people and gave them a day to sit back and remember them and the great things that they did or accomplished. Like Martin Luther King Day, Presidents Day or Memorial Day. I think that we loose track of that and get caught up in the “I have to buy something”, or the “do I get a day off with pay?” Holidays have lost their meanings and become more about money and advertisements.

Growing up in my house, we didn’t really acknowledge any holidays. I mean, we had Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, but not the way most celebrate. Usually we would make a big dinner and go to a movie or something. My dad hated being around people so he just started to be a scrooge at any holiday so that we didn’t have to be social. I was always upset about this and felt like I was missing out. Now, however, I take away one positive from all of this. Superficial holidays such as Valentines Day don’t affect me one way or another.

I also came away with what I want Valentines Day to mean to my daughter as she grows. People in general get caught up in everyday life and sometimes forget to acknowledge the ones that they love. I believe that Valentines Day should be more of a day to remember to tell people how we feel about them. I think that I am going to teach her that we will never buy anything for anyone on this holiday nor should we expect to get anything from anyone. We will sit down and make something from the heart for the ones we love. We will make a list of everyone that we care about and call and let them know how much they mean to us. To me, this should and will be a day to say the words that we sometimes have a hard time expressing!

You are very special to me and you being in my life makes me a better person.

I love you!

Happy Valentines Day Everyone!

2010-02-14T10:01:00.000-07:00

I will be spending the day with my favorite little Valentines girl. Could be the best day ever!

Are you AWARE of this?

2010-02-10T11:00:00.000-07:00

I am currently listening to the book Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. In the first leg of the book, she travels to Italy and meets some new friends. One of her new friends Julio tells her that every place has a “word” that describes it. Like Rome’s word is sex. I think she said that New York’s word would be driven and she named a few others that were exactly as I would have guessed.

It got me thinking. What word am I? I can think of a few that others would describe me as, but probably can’t write on my blog unless I change the rating to X. Heh! But really what word would I use to describe “ME”? One word that truly tells you who I am on all levels. I am going to add in here, “at this point in my life”. Back in the day, I would have described myself as shallow or materialistic, or angry. But what about today, right now.

AWARE: After almost a week of thinking about this, A LOT, this is the word that most resonates with me right now.

I am acutely AWARE of how much work I have a head of me when it comes to getting healthy.

I am AWARE that when I say or do something that is not what I consider on the path to getting where I want to be, I need to stop, figure out why I did or said that and then readjust.

I am AWARE that when I hear or see others doing things that I do, have done, or don’t want to be around anymore; I need to take action with boundaries.

I am AWARE of how much my daughter needs me to grow, learn and lead by example.

I am AWARE of the fact that I can do this and that my efforts will result in good.

I am AWARE of the fact that I don’t let people complete what they are saying before I jump in and either finish their sentence or add something in about me. I need to listen more.

I am AWARE of myself when I get irritated or frustrated with my 2 year olds age appropriate actions.

I am also AWARE that I am AWARE now and this is a very good thing and a huge step for me.

I am AWARE that I have been a big part of the problems in my relationships.

I am AWARE of how much my childhood has affected me and how I need to let go.

I am AWARE of the fact that I need to value me!

I am AWARE of how much I am capable of doing and how far I can go.

I could go on and on, but really what I am AWARE of is EVERYTHING and this is such a big step for me!!!!!

This is a good thing, because how do you make change if you are not AWARE of what is wrong?

So, what is your word?

Opening my eyes for a change.

2010-02-08T08:51:00.000-07:00

I find myself at a crossroads right now in my life. I know I have stated lately that I am trying to figure out who I am what I am all about, and in doing so I have started to realize that I have a lot of people in my life that are unhealthy for me and my growth right now. So I think that I need to start the weeding process immediately.

It is all about having boundaries, which I have never had before. Before I had my daughter, I went out, I looked for attention, drank heavily and was all about the party. Some of my friends don’t understand that life has changed for me now and that’s not the person I am anymore. Instead of being true to my heart and brain, I have indulged these people because I have no boundaries. I feel guilty saying no, I want to please my friends. I feel pressure form them to go out. I feel like when I say no, they push, prod and manipulate me into giving in. I have been weak. I have let people in my life that are self absorbed and don’t respect the fact that I can not always be there for there self centered needs every time they beckon me. I have a child now and she needs to be my first priority. I have to watch every dime that I spend because my bills and my daughters needs come before my drinking and dinning out. I am not saying that I won’t be there for my friends when they are in need, but going out can not be a staple in my life right now as it can be for a few of my friends that have kid free week ends and no money worries. I have a few friends that are so focused on finding a man , getting attention and being seen, and for some reason think that we all need to be there for them on there quest. I can not do this right now in my life and still respect myself and still learn about who I am. It is time that I grow some and stand up for me for a change.

Apparently I had an eye opening week end. In fact, I seem to be having a lot of eye opening events happening in my life as of late. Maybe it’s because I am actually opening my eyes and seeing for the first time. I realized that I don’t really like to go out anymore or at least not in the same way as my friends. I enjoy having dinner and a drink or two and then going home. I want to include my daughter, not leave her with my mom all of the time. I know that momma needs some go out fun time too, but not every week end. Not even every month.

I want to have a variety of friends and I want to feel comfortable if I choose to co-mingle some of them sometimes. I don’t want to feel bad if I invite someone out that is not a part of that particular group. Can’t we all just get a long? Aren’t we all in fact grown up now and not in possessive junior high school-ish clicks? Why are some things good for some people and not for others?

I just need to step back for a while and re-evaluate. Define my boundaries, and figure out what I want.

A new decade

2010-02-01T14:23:00.000-07:00

I GAVE UP! Do you hear me? I GAVE UP on you Mr. Scale.

It is yet again time to weigh in for the Loose it Bitches competition and for the record, I am saying phooey to it based on all of your comments to my last post. I am going to refrain from getting on the scale until the end and am going to just keep working my ass off because it feels good and let my clothes and my mind be the judge. I must say that today, is the first day that my clothes feel loose. I feel good. I can tell that my legs are slimming down on the sides and my arms are toning up. So bite me Mr. Scale, I don’t need you to tell me that I am kicking ass!

I just read/listened to the Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett and I must say that it was awesome. It was 50hrs long and one of the reasons that I enjoyed doing my cardio every day. So if anyone has any suggestions on a book to replace my reason to love cardio, please let me know. My thighs will thank you!

My daughter must have been sick of hanging out with me this weekend. She avoided me at every turn on Sunday and when we were lying down to go to bed, she said, “mommy, I don’t like you”. Ouch!! I was in shock, since she is a little love bug. She is known at daycare for being the lover, hugger and cuddler. She is always saying “I Yuv you mommy”, and “I so happy see you mommy”. But tonight, she said I don’t like you mommy with a frown on her face. Twice. I guess we all have our moments since I can admit to a few times that I haven’t liked her too much either. So I said, that is ok, I still love you! 10 minutes later I feel her little hand on my face and her breath on my arm. So I guess she started to like me again. Sigh and it begins!

I am a HUGE sucker for people playing with my hair. It was actually on my list of dating have to haves when I was young. It can put me in a good mood with the first touch and it will put me to sleep with little more. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it. I miss, miss, miss it. That is all!

I am really starting to realize a lot more about the goods, bads and uglies of Danielle. I am coming to grips with some of it and struggling with others. It is really hard and yet such a good eye opening experience for me. I wish I would have wanted to do this searching for me in my late 20’s and early 30’s, but I didn’t, so now I have a lot of catching up to do. Things are starting to resonate with me and I am spending a lot of time thinking and realizing. I am actually excited for this decade of my life. I think it is going to prove to be my best. It is going to be hard, but rewarding in the end. I feel really good and yet a lot scared right now. It should be interesting.

The damn thing lied to me

2010-01-26T12:10:00.000-07:00

Well, we are 3 weeks into this Loose it Bitches competition and I have yet to post how I have been doing. So I am going to get past my frustrations and give it to you straight.

If you can remember, I actually started the week before New Years so that I wouldn’t be considered a resolution-er. So I have really been at it for about 5 weeks now. I have been going to the gym at least 5 times a week, doing 50 minutes of pretty intense cardio.( at least I consider it intense when I can’t open my eyes at the end because sweat is pouring down my face and my knees are so wobbly that I can barley stand). When I am finished wringing myself out, I lift weights, doing two body parts a day. So I will do back and bi’s one day, chest and tri’s the next, legs the next day and shoulders and ab’s the last day and then start all over. I give myself 2 days a week off so that my muscles are refreshed and ready to go for the next round. I have not slacked at all and I feel good about getting back to the gym and rejuvenating my lost muscle.

How is the dieting part going you asked?

Well, for the most part I have been tracking every little morsel that goes into my mouth on My Fitness Pal. I even log the not so good cookie that I sneak every now and then and my nightly glass of vino. When I calculate my exercise in, I am usually under my daily caloric intake. Now, I am not saying that in the last 5 weeks that I haven’t had a cheat day or 2, but on the whole, I have been really good. Well except that 1 night with Mindy. It was bad! Being an old gym rat, I know that you should have cheat meals. They help shock your body and not to mention, you need it so that you don’t binge.

SO WHY THE HELL HAVEN’T I LOST EVEN 1LB.

I know the tracker on my blog says 4lbs, but that is because 1 morning I weighed in 4lbs light and in my elation, immediately went to My Fitness Pal and logged it in, to find out the next day that those measly 4 little pounds reappeared, and have stayed.

I was too ashamed to go back and correct my scales horrible error, so now I just look at my little bloggy lie daily wishing it would come true and those ponds would just go away for real.

I know that I am almost 40 and my metabolism is not what it used to be, but come on!

So, I broke down and bought the PX90 system that I have heard amazing things about. I have been told that if that doesn’t get the lbs off, nothing will. I hear it is excruciating and I am scared! I really don’t want to get my ass kicked by a cd.

So wish me luck please, I think I am going to need it.

The Situation

2010-01-21T14:35:00.003-07:00

Why I like to admit this stuff on line for the world to see if they choose, I do not know, but here is another one of the things that I did in my 20’s that makes me wonder how I made it to where I am today.

I worked as a teller at a bank right out of high school and the group of people that I worked with was constantly playing tricks on one another. One of the guys in our group was deathly afraid of spiders, so being the good friend that I was, I decided to put a fake spider in his money order from the vault. The result was him screaming like a little girl and money being thrown every where.

We were all rolling around on the ground in hysterics and tears were running from our eyes. I however, took it to a whole different level and pee’d my pants. Right there in front of everyone. So what is a girl to do when she is at work and isn’t planning on needing a change of underwear? I went to the restroom, took my panties off, wrapped them in a paper towel and placed them in my purse.

3 days later, I am at lunch with one of my girlfriends from work and I reach in my purse to get my wallet and, you guessed it, pulled out my panties. Holly crap! I forgot about my pee’d on panties that were in my purse for 3 whole days!

So, in the long run, I guess the joke was on me.

Maybe my "situation" explains my childish addiction to “Jersey Shore”

Maybe I shouldn't have asked!

2010-01-20T07:47:00.002-07:00

I submitted my blog into Ask and Ye Shall Receive.

I knew what I was getting into by doing this and was prepared for a beating. I like a good beating now and then and was looking forward to hearing what they had to say. Criticism, whether constructive or not can help us grow if we choose to allow it and I say bring it on!

They were not as hard on me as I thought they were going to be. They pointed out a lot of things that I already know about my self. Like I can’t spell worth a shit and grammatically, I am like a second grader. If spell check doesn’t pick it up, it doesn’t get fixed. My English teacher grandmother would roll over in her grave if she knew this. Maybe I am just rebelling against her and her iron fist. Nah, I just sucked in English.

They also pointed out that I am not a good writer, and that I read more like a teenager than and intelligent adult. I am also very aware of this. I have never thought of myself as a writer, nor have I ever wanted to be one. I write here to express feelings and tell some of my story and to connect with all of you. I actually never expected to have any followers or to care as much about this blog as I do. I knew I would not be writing a book, or receiving any awards for how or what I write, so, when I read that, I chuckled a bit knowing that I too make myself cringe at times. The blogs that I read are because of the content and how I relate rather than the actual writing, but I also hate reading very grammatically poor writing, so I get how they feel. I am actually very smart, but not very articulate when it comes to putting it on paper/computer. I laugh at most of my stuff and how badly I put things into words and I usually I cringe at my own posts when I go back and re-read them, but hell, it is me and I hope that you all look past it.

She actually called me pathological and said that she might want to slap some sense into me when it comes to the men that I choose and honestly, that one statement made me laugh so hard that I now love her. She then went on to say that my blog was not all just a “hodge podge of suck” (I had to throw that in there) and that I have some redeeming qualities.

She ended up giving me 1 star and honestly, that is more than I expected and with some of the comments that I read, that is more than most expected, but hey, I am happy with it. As with all other aspects of my life, I am learning as I go and working on things that I can fix. I will just add this to the list that seems to get longer and longer every day.

I can handle it though, because I am a “mommy blogger” and have big shoulders!

Thanks to Ask and Ye Shall Receive. I really do appreciate your time and review.

What, am I invisible?

2010-01-18T13:24:00.005-07:00

Remember when I said that I hated New Years at the gym? Well here are two reasons why.

I was in the Basket ball court the other day doing half court lunges. There were some young guys playing basket ball on one side of the court which left the far hoop and the 2 side hoops open. I was lunging under one of the side ones. Two athletic, boyish looking girls walk in bouncing their b’ball and heading right for the basket that I was currently exercising under. I turn around and they are playing ball where I just passed them with out acknowledging that I even existed. I stood there in awe for at least 2 minutes contemplating if I should say something or just move to one of the other two open hoops.
I am standing there thinking, seriously, you don’t see me?
You don’t see the other two open hoops less than 10ft from here?
Your mommies never taught you that there are other people in the world besides you?
Do you expect me to move over?
Am I f-ing invisible?
Do you have any knowledge of what gym etiquette is?
Well, they must have felt my disturbing, I am going to cut you death stare and one of them says, “Can we help you?” Now, I know I am no match for these two, but this old chick still has some fight left in her, and well, I can run pretty fast if I need to, so I am like “Yeah, I was just trying to figure out how you can be so rude when there are two other hoops open?” One of them proceeded to want to brawl but the other just said, sorry, we didn’t mean to be rude, we just weren’t paying attention, and pulled her friend to the side. We all moved on without further incident, but it just makes me wonder. Are people really that oblivious to others around them?

Next, I am in the locker room changing into my workout clothes and I have to use the bathroom so I put all of my stuff in a locker except my shoes and they are at the end of one of the benches. Now, there is no one in the place while I am getting dressed and the locker room is pretty large. There are wooden benches that go the length of the room and when I come out, there are two women standing where my shoes were. All of their clothes and bags are now on the bench and my shoes are no where in site. So again, I stand there with a look of complete stupidity on my face and one of them notices. “Oh, are we in your way?” “No, I just thought I had put my shoes right there. “ She moves her bag and sure as shit, there are my shoes under a pile of her belongings. Now, these women were nice, but still I ask myself, how did you not notice a pair of tennis shoes sitting on the bench in a very empty locker room? Are people this unaware of others and there things?

I may not be able to teach my daughter everything in life, but here are some of the things that she will do or she will be confined to her room her whole life.

Hold doors open for anyone older than her.

Please, thank you and excuse me for everything. And I mean EV ER Y TH I NG!

A man will come to the door to get her and a man will hold the car door for her or she will NOT be going anywhere with them.

Let her seat go for anyone older than her.

Be aware of others and their things and space.

Be polite to people helping her. I.e. sales people, customer service people, teachers or just anyone that provides her with a service or help in general.

Anyone in a uniform, be it military, police, etc… shall always be greeted with Sir or ma’am and always be treated with respect no matter what.

Basically, be aware of others and their feelings.

Could I have created this monster?

2010-01-14T13:10:00.006-07:00

Once again, I will not be winning any mother of the year awards this year. My sweet little daughter is now a terrible, almost 3 year old and OMG is she hell on wheels.

She is completely potty trained at day care. She walks in the daycare lady/friends house, puts on big girl panties and does not have, not even 1 accident all day long. She walks in the door at my house and within 1 hour, she pees her pants. Every day!!! She even did the "deed" and I am not talking pee perople, on the floor the other day. Eww. I ask her every 5 minutes if she needs to go potty. No mommy! You want to put a diaper on just in case. No mommy! I am guessing it is some sort of testing mommy thing that kids do, but geesh.

She was hugging my legs the other night and I was going about my business talking to my mom and all of a sudden I felt an excruciating pain on my thigh right next to my lady parts. My reaction was fast, and I didn't even think. I pushed her away from me and she went flying. She laid on the floor like a fish that was just brought into a boat. Flailing and screaming, mommy hit me!!! I felt horrible and I didn't mean to do it, it was just a gut reaction to my little one biting me so hard that it broke skin and I have a bruise. My step dads comment was, "thank god you don't have anyone to explain that mark to". When she calmed down and the pain on my thigh subsided, we hugged and I explained that when you hurt people, sometimes they react. She only stayed mad at me for a few minutes, unless this is why she is peeing her pants for me. I think it is a conspiracy.

We were in front of some friends that are more, lets say, stuffy the other day and a beer commercial came on. Toots says, "beer mommy, I have some" then proceed to scream and cry for beer.

We were at Walgreen's picking up some makeup since I changed my hair color and need to match all my parts, and my daughter is picking up everything, looking at it, and then really snobbishly tossing it in the cart. I couldn't put stuff back quick enough. Part of me wanted to laugh at the thought that this must be how I look when I am shopping and she is just imitating me and the other part of me wanted to cringe. I have created a mini-me-monster and she isn't even 3 yet.

Then every night as we are getting ready for bed, she grabs my face and says "I so happy to see you mommy" and I melt. I thank my lucky stars every day that she is in my life, peed on, bitten, bruised and all. I wouldn't trade 1 day with her for anything and when I bitch and moan about how hard it is to raise a strong willed little Aries on my own, I stop and think about my life before her and I remember that space in my heart that was completely empty and how now it is overflowing.

Thank God for little accidents, I mean miracles!

Notice Wine and hair color don't mix and cost me too much money!

2010-01-11T14:27:00.003-07:00

My girlfriend text ed me last week. -Sleepover and color my hair?- My daughter was staying at the ex's which is a long story and going to stop soon, so I replied *YES*.

We started out at the gym for a killer workout, and then headed over to Sally beauty and the liquor store. She made her famous Green Chili (I am outing her. 505) and we popped open the Wine.

About 3 hours later she looked exactly the same even though we were trying to make her blonder and I.... well, I had jet black hair with red highlights. So for the last week or so, I have been hiding either at home or work.

Now the real fun part of this is how my $12.00 hair coloring kit turned into $310.00 and counting.

You can't go into Sally Beauty with out leaving with a few other "you have to have this" crap. So $60.00 later I walked out just knowing that I was going to look like a beauty queen.

Then, because I am a real wine connoisseur, I spent $12.00 on a bottle of Yellow Tail. That is how I roll.

Then Mindy had to call and ask me to go out on Friday and I was not going out looking like Elvira, so I called my good friend that does my hair when I am not drinking wine and set up an appointment. $115.00 (which is only because she felt sorry for me and is my friend) later, I felt like a new woman and was ready to hit the town.

Of course I had some appetizers and drinks to celebrate my new look. (thank god for boys buying our drinks all night long) I only spent $40.00 the whole night.

I can't have a new hair color and not change my makeup (it just wouldn't look right), so I went to Walgreen's to invest in some cheap stuff just to see what colors I like before spending a lot of money on the better brands. $83.00 later I walked out and guess what? Yep, none of it looks good with the new hair color. Oh, and not to mention that as we are roaming through Walgreen's, my daughter was throwing random shit in my cart. So I am now a proud owner of a Pooh hat and gloves that I didn't catch. Urg!

Someone needs to shoot me next time I say I am having wine and coloring my hair. PLEASE!

I am a follower!

2010-01-05T14:30:00.004-07:00

So, I jumped on the "Lose it Bitches" band wagon recently. I have talked a lot about the fact that I need to change a lot of things in my life, mostly mental things that will make me a better person, but here is the deal. My physical plays a huge part in my mental well being.

I know that I am not fat.
I know that I am not "too" out of shape.
I know that I need to stop letting how I "think" I look affect my moods.
I really don't have that much to loose. 10 to 15lbs max.
I do still have some muscle definition although a couple weeks of hitting the weights would do wonders.
I must have one of those mirrors that skew your image, cause I see myself differently than others do.
I know that when I fix my mental, my physical will also benefit greatly, but for now while I am working on that, I am going to join in the motivation and support that is being had all around the blog sphere.
The blogs that I have read lately have absolutely given me determination to do something. These women are wonderfully motivated and I am going to support them through it all. In the process, I hope that what I see in them helps ME. Helps me mentally and physically. Helps me be the kind of person that I am determined to be.

So with that said,
I have been running/walking on my treadmill 40-45 mins a day. Every day!
I have been watching every morsel that goes into my mouth.
I have cut my wine drinking in half. That doesn't say a whole lot (Hey, I have a 2 year old. I need a little release in the form of vino)
My BGF has talked me into (possibly) running a half marathon this summer. So sometime soon, I will start to train for that even if I end up not doing it. (only due to knee problems)
I will be tracking results through My Fitness Pal.

I will see results!

Kicking Ass in 2010

2009-12-31T09:27:00.003-07:00

I have never been one to think much about New Years or the resolutions that go a long with them. I am usually in bed by 10pm and I don't make resolutions. So to me, it is just another day.

Until this year...

My new years resolution is (No, it is not going to the gym since I started that 2 weeks ago) Uhemm! I AM GOING TO GET HEALTHY!!!!

Mentally that is.

I ordered some great audio books. "The Secret" that T talks about, and another couple of books that I found on Coach Rinatta's blog. I have cut and pasted some blog post from people that have inspired me lately and plan to read and re-read them daily. I bought a gazillion note pads so that I can write down behaviors that I want to change, and a whole lot of other things that my therapist (that I can no longer afford)recomended that I do and I am 100% dedicated to doing to make myself a healthier version of ME!

I not only want to do this, I need to do this. I have a beautiful daughter that needs her mommy to be healthy so that I can help her become a healthy adult.

I don't want to jump into unhealthy relationships any more.

I don't want to travel down a road that is bad for me anymore because that is all I know.

So watch out 2010. You've got one motivated chick coming to kick your ass!!!

The decision

2009-12-29T08:35:00.001-07:00

So, for those of you that have not read my older posts, you may not realize that my daughter is not my soon to be ex husbands child. I have known him for over 10 years, but started dating him when she was 12 months old. Within 1 and a half years, we were living together, engaged, married, separated and now soon to be divorced. Yes, I know that this makes me sound like a slut with major issues and it’s probably true, but I like to do things backwards and wrong. I have always done things this way, people that know me, even expect it from me. I am sure that this explains a lot.

Now I find myself in a bit of a conundrum. You see, she calls him daddy and in her 2 year old mind, still relates to him as such. When he is around, she clings to him. She tells me she wants to go to daddy’s house almost every day. He says that he wants to be her daddy and remain in her life, but that it would be up to me to allow that. I am torn as to what is best for my daughter. I know that she loves him and he loves her, but should I cut the ties now while she is young and maybe won’t be affected too much. What if someday (a very long time from now) I meet someone that wants to be a family and actually means it? Someone that doesn’t promise time and then only come though with it when it works for him. Someone that doesn’t need to drink himself silly and miss major events in her or my life.

I know that my soon to be ex will provide financial help for her directly (meaning that he will get her the things she needs, but will not provide me with child support, which I completely understand and agree with since it is way more than most would do in this situation) and will be very good to her when he finds time. He will also provide a strong drive in academics, work ethic and possibly some male interaction that all little girls need. He really does love her in the only way that he knows how to love.

Here is where I have a major problem;

I know that he loves her in his own way. He treats her very well when he can find the time. But, we have been out of his house for over 2 months now and last week was the first time he has made time to see her. When we all lived under the same roof, in the beginning, he made a lot of time for her (and me), but almost as soon as we got married, that stopped. He began to choose work, hunting, friends and drinking over family time. Yes, I did play a part in this; he is not all to blame. However, he chooses to actually miss almost every holiday (including her Birthday family celebration) because he is hung over. Case in point: This Christmas Eve, I invited him over for dinner and to watch her open her gifts and possibly stay over night to be there when she woke for Santa’s gifts. He said that he wanted to and would call when he knew what time he could make it. At one point, he called to say that he was on his way and even offered to pick up my step sister. About a half hour later, I got a call that he couldn’t do it because he had to get up early to go hunting. In the background, I heard 2 of his buddies and they were already drinking, plus I could tell that he was already started slurring during our conversation which meant that they started drinking hours ago. He promised to see her on Christmas day, so I invited him to come over to my family’s home that is about 10 minutes from his house. His response was that he would come over for a while to give her his presents, but that he hates gatherings and didn’t want to stay too long. About an hour before that, I got a call stating that he was going to his sisters instead. (This would be completely understandable except that not one time while we were together did he accept an invite to her house for any reason because he can’t be in the same room as her for more than 5 minutes. But then again, her husband is one of his drinking buddies). Finally Saturday, he showed up, after Christmas was over and was of course hung over. But, I guess better late than never. This is how most of our married life played out. Everything came before me and since my daughter is “me”, before her too. I don’t understand how you can want to be a part of her (a 2 year olds) life and not want to be with her on her first “getting it” Christmas.

I can handle his selfish behavior now (I could not when we were married and I had to be round for the drunken hung over parts), but can a young impressionable little girl? Do I want to share her with someone that is no longer in my life, nor is blood related to her and can miss all of the important times in her life for a beer, gun and his friends?

I truly want what is best for my daughter and am torn between what that is. A father figure that is there when convenient, but is there sometimes and she loves him.

Or, just a mommy that can show her enough love for 200 people.

2009-12-24T10:34:00.003-07:00

HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!!!!!!!!

Santa, I have been a good little girl.

2009-12-21T13:51:00.004-07:00

Life has been busy and interesting lately and I think it means that I am on the good girls list and going to have a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS.

I am like a giddy child over watching my daughter learn about Santa, presents, reindeer, cookie exchanges, Christmas lights and family gatherings. It has been so much fun and I CAN"T WAIT until Christmas morning to see how she reacts. This will be the first year that she is somewhat starting to "get it" and I think it will be the best part of my year.

I went to a cookie exchange for the first time in my life last weekend. I get invited every year to go to it from a group of my high school friends, and every year, I make up a reason why I can't attend. This year, I decided to be a little more domestic for my daughters sake, and guess what? We had a blast. Call me Martha Stewart baby cause I will be attending from now on.

We went to the Botanical Gardens the other night to look at the lights. Toots and I were in awe at how beautiful they were. We drank hot coco and did some crafts and it was a great night.

I took Toots to see Santa, and that was not such a great event. She freaked out and I had to sit on his lap with her on mine. I had not planned on getting my picture taken and looked a little like a homeless person on crack and she looked like she was being abused. This picture will not be made into a Christmas card. In fact, it may not even exist past Christmas. It can not be said that I didn't try though.

I have had Sushi Christmas dinners with 2 different sets of girlfriends in the last two weeks and can I just tell you that that is my dream night out. Good friends, wine and raw fish, seriously, what more could a girl ask for?

All and all, 2009 has been a pretty good year (except that little divorce thing). Heh, can't have it all!

So Santa, as you can see, I have been too good of a girl this year and me thinks I need a really nice gift, you know the one that I have been dreaming about all year long!

I refuse to be a New Years Resolution'rs

2009-12-15T14:48:00.004-07:00

I had considered myself a gym rat since I was 17 years old. I would go to the gym 6-7 times a week without fail for over 15 years. I even competed in figure contests locally. I was 6 percent body fat and muscle everywhere and wore a size 2 pants and a size S in tops. Trainers in my gym would constantly tell me that the women they trained would point at me and say that I, was what they wanted to look like and the men they trained would say, well, they were men. Nuf said.

Notice how this is all in the past tense?

Well, throw in a baby, being in my late 30's, loving my wine and skittles, being for the most part a single, do it all by my self mommy and all of the above has ceased to be true any more.

Now, I am not fat and I do still work out, play soccer and run small 5k races, but I am no where near where I used to be body wise. My clothing size has gone up, well lets just say more than a few sizes and body parts aren't in the same places as they used to be. I am pretty sure that NO-one notices me any more unless I fall of the treadmill because I accidentally hit the arrow up button too fast. I go to the gym 1-2 times a week if I am lucky and lately I haven't been so lucky. Like say, once last week and before that, umm, well it had been a few months. Ouch.

We (myself and all of the other gym rats) used to hate this time of year. January 1st brought in all the New Years Resolution'rs and you couldn't move without one of them taking your machine, stealing your weight, using "your" treadmill, etc... Well guess what folks.

I am hitting the gym tonight, so that I don't get mistaken for one of "THEM". My girlfriend said that she would act like she didn't know me if I showed up J 1 all up in her grill like I was a regular. She said that she would call me out in front of all of the meat heads that don't notice me anymore.

So, my resolution starts today! I refuse to look 40 or 39 or what ever the hell age I am. I refuse to go up another pant size and I am single now for God sakes, I want to be looked at like a piece of meat again. Plus, I have to be faster than a certain someone. I guess they like the chase. Uhhemmmmm.

Dear Lil Sis, YES YOU!

2009-12-09T10:53:00.000-07:00

Dear little/taller/sister/blog stalker,
I know that you are reading this as you have all of my other posts without my even telling you that I even have a blog.
You and your dad came into mine and my mother’s life when you were 7 and I was 29. It was weird to say the least. Some how, I, being an only child for 29 years was supposed to take you in as a little sister and guide you. I resisted for a while and then somehow, you weaseled your little irritating self into my world and my heart.
So…
Listen up- You are better than how you are portraying yourself right now. I know that you are a teenager and all of the pressure can be overwhelming to you, but this is truly the easiest you will ever have it. Life gets a whole lot tougher when you get out in the real world. You need to get through High School so that you can get a job. You are a beautiful girl with the wit of someone well beyond your years. You can do what ever you want to with ease if you just put a little effort behind it.
I know that it feels like your parents are the worst people in the world right now, but I can assure you that someday you will understand that your dad loves you more than anything in this world and just wants you to be a good person.
You are about to go through some really big changes that I am sure are going to feel like are the end of the world. Please learn from them, move on and make something of yourself. Take this time to figure some things out about what is good for you, not your friends, or the boys that you won’t care about 2 years from now. Those people don’t define you. You may not even remember their names next year, so please stand firm in who you are!
I know that you feel like we are all against you, maybe even that we have given up on you. I promise that we have not. We just want you to realize how much potential you have and do something with it. That you are so much better than the person that you are fighting to be. Please wake up and see where you are heading and change the course. For my daughter that is going to look up to her aunt some day. For me, that wanted no part of you at first and now has been won over and wishes nothing but greatness for you. For all of us that have a great deal of faith in you.
I am and always will be here for you. Stay strong.
Danielle

Rant, Rave and Thank my Lucky Stars

2009-12-02T10:54:00.002-07:00

My daughter has had a medical issue that has required a few trips to the pediatric office over the last 2 weeks. When I called the office to schedule the first appointment, I was informed that they didn't open the schedule for appointments after 4pm unless my child was a student.
Excuse me? I don't understand.
Well Danielle, we save those appointments for kids that go to school and can't make it here during the day. If we didn't do that, we would be here until midnight.

How about for us single parents that have jobs and don't get paid for the hours we are not at work????? So, because my daughter is only 2 and goes to daycare, I have to take 3 hours off of my already low paying job to take her to the doctors office. 3 times now!
Then, my co-pay is $45 per 15 minute visit. Not to mention the prescriptions.
Can you say bend over single mom and take this????

My biggest pet peeve in the world is MOUTH Noises. All of them. If I can hear any noise coming from your mouth that isn't a word, laugh or song, I want to claw your eyes out. The biggest one is cracking your gum. EEEEKKKK!

My parenting style is to be the huggie, kissie, wrestle and play kind of mommy. My daughter and I are constantly rough housing, bantering or cuddling. I LOVE it and she does too, BUT someone has to be a teacher and provide her with more than a few random cuss words and a bear hug.

This why I have these people.

Grandma- My mom. She is the most "Martha Stewarty" person I know. She spends hours knitting, making candles, coloring, painting and much more artsy stuff that I have NO interest in. She and Toots can sit at the kitchen counter and entertain themselves for hours.

Papa-My moms husband. Toots can't have anything without telling him what color, how many, what it does, what letter it starts with, etc... It is fun to watch. She is at the age where this is cool. He is also the hardest working (physically) person I know. He has taught her the difference in screwdrivers, nails, boards, etc... She loves to help papa build things.

Papa- My dad. He just lets her do what ever she wants cause, "that's what grand parents" do.

Steph-Daycare/Friend. She is all of the above. She is a teacher, a loving hug when needed, an art teacher, gymnastics's coach, disciplinarian, and best of all a GREAT friend.

And... I am not sure which one of us taught my daughter to say "I gonna kick your asssss! :)

It is truly a Happy Thanksgiving!

2009-11-25T10:57:00.003-07:00

A whole bunch of things have been going on in my world over the last week or so that haven't been a lot of fun and I have been feeling depressed about it.

Then...

I started reading all of your blogs today and realized that this is a good time in my life and beyond a few bumps in the road, I have a lot to be thankful for.

I am most thankful for my daughter and the life she has brought to me. She has opened my eyes to a life that is so full of joy and love now. She makes me smile in my most down moments. I thank her from the bottom of my heart.

For my family and how they are always there for me no matter what.

For my friends, old and new. I owe you all a big thanks for so many reasons.

For mine and my families health.

For the freedom we experience every day to be who we are. Thanks to those who fight to give us this right.

For my soon to be ex-husband for giving me the experiences that we had. Good or bad, I am glad that I got to experience them. I hope we become good friends.

For the meal that we are going to have tomorrow. Some people won't get to have a full tummy and enjoy a glass of wine among people they love.

For a closet FULL of clothes.

For a job that allows me to pay my bills and keep my daughter safe.

Just an hour ago, I was feeling sorry for myself and now, I could actually go on for days about the good in my life.

I am truly a lucky girl.

Happy Thanksgiving all!!!!!!!

Fat lips and crazy nights

2009-11-19T10:19:00.004-07:00

I have been bad lately. We received 2 huge contracts at work and I have been busy. Work was been the only time I could get on the Internet with out a toddler climbing all over me and pushing buttons, so needless to say, now that work is for, well, work, I am behind on reading and writing. But, I still have a job which is a very good thing now that I am again a SINGLE mommy. So to that I say THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!!!

Our last soccer game got canceled do to the weather. Imagine that here in unpredictable Colorado. Oh well, hopefully Spring comes around quick this year. Yeah right!

We are having our annual soccer banquet this weekend which is just a politically correct way to say "the girls are hitting D town to cause some upheaval! There may or may not be talk about it afterwards.

My daycare lady/friend went on vacation this last week and my mother and I had to take turns taking days off work to watch my daughter. Being single now, I really can't afford to miss even an hour of work at this point, so that's gonna leave a mark. I am glad she is back. We love her.

Oh boy, went out with Mindy last Saturday night. We were home by 11:30 (which I consider early) and I still don't remember the last hour of our night. Something about me sitting on Mindy's daughter, Mindy falling on the floor and laughing for an hour and a trail of heels and scarfs and I don't know where my mommy is! It can not ever be said that we don't know how to have a good time.

My sweet daughter hit me with her dolly last night and I have a fat bloody lip right now. I look like I took 2nd in a MMA fight. She has been fighting a cold for a couple weeks now and has been having nightmares every night. My poor baby. Maybe she has just been plotting how to make mommy look like a goofball. We have been spending a lot of time together. She is growing up so quickly. She changes daily and it is so much fun now that she can talk. She is getting such a great personality! I love it!!

Now to go catch up reading all of my favorite blogger friends posts!

2009-11-11T08:04:00.003-07:00

HAPPY VETERANS DAY!!!!

Thank you all so much for our freedom! You are very appreciated!

Stinky Stuff, Wrinkles, Soccer and More

2009-11-10T12:26:00.002-07:00

Last night, my mom, toots, me and my moms dogs were all sitting around watching the news. Toots started to cry and mumble something and both my mother and I looked at each other trying to figure out what that smell was and why toots was so angry. All of a sudden I realized that my two year old was crying and saying "mommy stinky, mommy stinky". My mom and I started laughing hysterically and at some point toots joined in. I really needed a laugh like that. It has been a while.

We have had a mediocre soccer season so far. We tied quite a few and lost the rest. I think we only won one game and it was one that I was sick for. The weather has been the reason for a few cancellations too and this next week will be our last game this fall. We are supposed to have snow, so I am guessing this one will be canceled too. Ugg, I so need the exercise. I guess I better figure out how to play indoor. Plus I always miss my girls during the off seasons.

My girlfriend and I have been complaining about feeling old lately, so we went and had a little wrinkle therapy done on Saturday. Ie... Dysport, a new kind of Botox. Now, I know I am not supposed to fess up to that kind of thing but what the hell. I like it. I am glad that I am now poor, or I would be a cosmetic whore and end up looking like Priscilla Presley.

My dad got dumped this weekend by a gal he met on Match.com and is really depressed, so Toots and I are going to dinner with him to try to cheer him up. This should be fun since I am going through a divorce and have only really laughed when my kid called me stinky. I am going to be a ball of fun. Oh well, it's nothing a bottle of wine won't cure.

I am hoping to go out with Mind this weekend. I always seem to laugh at her, I mean laugh when I am with her.

Just some random thoughts from the peanut gallery. Sorry to bore!

Have a good day everyone.

Why can't I grieve?

2009-11-03T08:51:00.003-07:00

At my last therapy appointment, my doc told me to make sure that I grieve the loss of my marriage. She said, Danielle, I know you. You won't grieve it and you really need to. It is healthy. Take time and feel the loss.

She was right. I have not shed a tear over it yet. I don't think that I will. I want to, but I can't for some reason. I cried during the marriage a lot and I think I justify the fact that I got over it during the marriage, so I shouldn't grieve the ending.

When my parents divorced, I was 30 years old and although it was dysfunctional, it was all I ever knew and I did not cry. I had always wished that they would get divorced when I was little. I was angry over being thrown in the middle and the way things went down, but I didn't grieve the actual ending of the only thing that was ever constant in my life. I justify. About 5 years later, I had a breakdown about it, but come on, 5 years later? WTF?

When my grandmother, the most wonderful, influential person I have ever known, died, I did not grieve. I think about her every single day and I miss her so much, but I did not cry. I justify in my mind that she was old, lived a great, happy life and died from Alzheimer's. She did not go through any pain and was smiling when she passed. She also lived in a different state my whole life, so I didn't see her on a daily basis. I justify.

Although, my other grandparents and I weren't as close, they were a part of my life and when they passed, I did not cry. Again, we weren't as close and we lived in different states and therefore I did not see them often. This is what I tell myself for my lack of tears. I justify.

I have only really been devastated by 2 break ups in my life. One when I was 19 years old and one during my big change in careers, and financial situation. Now I have had MANY break ups, and only grieved 2. Neither of which were my long term relationships. I justify.

However, I will cry at the drop of a hat when criticized about my parenting skills or I think about something happening to my daughter or I fell like I am insignificant. I bawled when my daughter acted up on the plane and when I was in jail. But I can't seem to cry at LOSS.

I know this is something that I need to work on right now. I know that I can not/should not date until I have felt all of the emotions that I am supposed to over the ending of my marriage. Even if it takes years of alone time, I need to wait until it happens. I need to learn and experience what it feels like to feel and understand what it means to be done, over or gone. I can't justify it anymore.

I need to feel. Period.

Bend Over and Spread them

2009-10-30T12:53:00.003-07:00

This post was inspired by one of my favorite bloggers. Life According to Candice.

I was a classy biker bitch for about 10 years of my life and one fine day, I received a ticket for not having a motorcycle licence, (um after 10 years of having a bike) cause that's how I ride!

So anyhow, I paid the $20.00 ticket the next day by mail, cause that is how anal I am!

Fast forward 1 year...

When I worked at the job of my dreams, ok not so much, the car dealership, I drove a demo as a perk of being a manager. My said car was mile'd out and I had to be moved into a different car. The lot boys are supposed to do the transition for you, like put a dealer plate on the new one, move your stuff over, etc...

Well, I had a very important nail apt on the day of the above transfere of vehichles and my lot boy forgot to put a dealer plate on my demo.

See where this is going?

I got pulled over and they informed me that I had a warrant for my arrest for an unpaid ticket. I was place in handcuffs (and not for fun this time) and then into the troopers car. As normal girlish form has it, I bawled the whole way to the station.

I was immediately hated by the women in lock up and was treated like Paris Hilton without the niceties. They took me to a cell and told me to completely undress. Still bawling, they told me to turn around, bend over, grab your butt checks and smile. Seriously, I have, what you say is an unpaid ticket. I didn't kill anyone, nor am I packing cocaine baggies in my ass!!! When that humiliation was over, I was made to put on those pretty orange outfits, which I do not look good in, then taken into a small cell. There were two other women in said cell. Mind you, I am sobbing and they are talking about their pimp not coughing up the 30k to get them out this time. Hello, I had on matching earrings and a belt, I don't belong here!

Then, one of them decides that she has to go to the bathroom. Did I mention that in the middle of this 5x5' cell is a toilet and this women (I think) takes a shit.

I cried for 5 straight hours until my then boyfriend located the voided check that paid the ticket within 1 week of getting it, showed up and bailed my ass out.

This concludes the most embarrassing and degrading experience of my life. All for a paid ticket that the county did not forward to the courts.

Anyone else have any jail time under their Umm, belts?