Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Rabid Pit Bull or Something Else?

This weekend I ran into a situation that happens a lot in my life and yet this was the first time that I saw it for what it was. Now, I need to find a way to put all of the pieces of it together, figure out my part in it and then learn to work on my reaction to these situations in the future.


When I was growing up, my father was the “law” in my family. He is a very hard person to explain and this maybe why I can’t figure out some of my issues when it comes to him. If you can’t explain it, how can you figure it out? However, I am going to try so that I can get past some of the older baggage that I carry around.

My father is always right, you can’t change his mind and for the most part, you can’t even talk to him about it. If you try, he will badger you until you submit or just ignore you. He does all of this in a very passive way that is hard for me to put into words. I do know that to this day, it makes me feel small and irrelevant. I can be talking about my daughter and how something makes me feel and he will argue with me about it. This man sees my daughter a total of 2 hours a week, if that and I am always around for it and yet he wants to tell me what is best for her or how I feel about a situation with her.

My mother and father were married for 30 years and together since middle school. My mom hates confrontation, so when my dad would badger her, she would just completely shut down and internalize her feelings. She couldn’t win anyway, so what was the point of talking to him? Years and years of this kind of thing with him has resulted in a lot of health issues for her and an inability to talk about problems of any kind that relate to her.

The other problem is that I am a lot like my dad and when someone won’t communicate with me, I start to badger them. I begin to feel like I am spiraling into a huge well of anxiety when someone shuts me out and my survival instincts kick in. It’s like I begin to fight for my life or at least answers. I may even be more like him than I think and “want to win” too. So, when my mom and I have an issue, I try to confront it, she gets a glimpse of my dad and shuts down, I want answers, so I start to charge at her like a rabid pit-bull and it creates a massive disconnect.

Here is the other issue that I have. I tend to find relationships with people that can’t or won’t communicate with me either. I really just thought that I was the only person on earth that like to talk about issues until this weekend when I realized that this is a pattern with me from childhood and that it is not normal. Communication is a major part in any relationship, and my three (maybe more) faults that play into this are;

1). the way I go about initiating the conversation. My demeanor and attitude going in.

2). my subconscious ability to either draw to me or search out this kind of person that is unable to talk things out.

3). the badgering that I do to make someone communicate with me. The wanting answers/wanting to win.

After both my mom and I calmed down, we had a decent conversation that I hope will help with future issues and the way we communicate about them.

I realized that yes, I am right to want to communicate with people but I have to choose relationships with people that can communicate, tweak my ways of initiating it and my reasons for wanting to communicate in the first place.

All and all, a good realization and step towards my “getting healthy” quest.

18 comments:

  1. What a fabulous endeavor - better communication can only make for even better relationships in your life!

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  2. I had the problem in my marriage of not being able to communicate with my spouse. Now, I am learning to communicate by probably communicating too much with my BF. But, I feel comfortable around him and I am not afraid of him, like I was with my ex. So, sometimes I say way too much, but it is better than internalizing it (like I and your mother did). I feel much happier without that knot in my chest.

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  3. I tend to have relationships with people that don't communicate well either. Makes having healthy relationships real difficult.

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  4. I think it's great that you were able to calm down and talk to your mom.

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  5. It's always great to try and make ourselves better...but don't be too hard on yourself!!

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  6. I know that I and many others repeat the relationship patterns that we were raised with. Through therapy I learned that my parents were both emotionally unavailable and passive-aggressive or jsut plain aggressive, among other things. Well, guess what kind of men I have chosen to become involved with? I learned that we repeat the patterns A) because it's what we know and B) to try to get that validation we seek from someone else (in my case from someone who shuts me out emotionally when I dont give them what they want- SOOOO passive-aggressive!) These people may have plenty of characteristics that draw you into the relationship but as I get healthier I've learned that if the positive behaviors aren't consistent and become sprinkled with controlling or passive-agressive behaviors instead of healthy communication - it only gets worse and never works out.

    I'm glad your mom and you were able to have a conversation and work toward a resolution. Progress is progress!

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  7. I agree with Mindy. The very fact that you are aware of this helps. I was just like my dad too and didn't realize it until he was dying. I never understood why we butted heads so much.

    With that awareness, you will now have opportunities to practice this. You will now draw in people and situations to give you a chance to react differently.

    Practice makes perfect! :)

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  8. I have many of my parents bad characteristics too. Sometimes I have to stop myself from slipping right into role playing a scene from my childhood. It's hard to do.

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  9. being aware is the first step...

    Real communication is hard.

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  10. NO ONE is born a good communicator. It is something that must be worked on constantly!

    Having said that....GOOD GOD WOMAN! I'LL SEND THE LINKS! *smile*

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  11. Your parents sound like my parents. Good for you to have these awarenesses.

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  12. This is an excellent post, Danielle. Really, I just hear and see you opening up and being honest about what's going on with you. I pray you find peace and truth and resolution to these pieces of our lives that affect us so much.

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  13. I feel your pain. I have similar issues in communicating with my mother. Wishing you the best in overcoming these obstacles. And once you figure it all out, let me in on the secret...

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  14. How wonderful that you can see this and at least try to do something about it.

    My father was very similar to yours but as he got older and I got older and had children of my own, he mellowed out quite a bit.

    My mother was a badgerer too and so was I until I went through my second divorce and grew up bit.

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  15. Good for you for realizing it. It can be so hard.

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  16. You are the bomb.com, this post hit a note with me. I'm kind of a badgerer also. Yikes, here is to being a better person! Cheers!

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  17. Communication is key! So glad you've recognized what you have, and you plan on doing what's necessary to work on it.

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  18. Good for you D, because seeing it for what it is is liberating.

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