Monday, April 18, 2011

Brutality at its Finest!

Well folks, the time has come to say good bye to this blog. I no longer feel like being a hypocrite. I am sick of lying to myself and all of you! I talk a big game about how I am working on making myself a better person. I talk about how I want to have inner peace and health and how far I have come over the years. Well guess what? I have been lying to everyone. I have changed nothing for the better. In fact, I may be worse off. I took something great and made it bad. I created issues that didn’t need to be there so that I can prove to myself that people don’t stay. I am only mad at myself for not being able to fix me, for not really getting healthy and for putting a great person through my issues.

It is time once again to focus on my daughter, finding a job and myself. I need to stop faking health in a blog and start figuring out why I do the shit that I do. I literally hate who I am right now. I hate that I can’t fix me. I hate that I am not worthy of being happy. I hate that happy makes me uncomfortable. I hate that my daughter has anger issues that I am positive she has got from watching me. Right now, unfortunately, I hate most of everything ME!

Don’t worry, I am a strong person. I will come out of this and get my shit together, but for now I really need to focus on getting real with myself. I have to fix me before I destroy anything or anyone else. I need to figure out why I feel the need to control people into loving me.

I love all of you and what I have learned from you all, and I am sure I will be around still trying to learn from you, but for now it is good bye. I will be shutting this down within the next two weeks. Thanks for all of your love and support over the years. You have been great friends.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

I don't want to suck at this anymore!!!!!!!!!!!

Relationships are and always have been a difficult thing for me. My parents didn’t give me anything healthy to go by that is for sure. Over the years, I have picked a lot of guys that would give me the same kind of dysfunctional relationship that I was used to and was represented to me as a child. I guess I have formed a very unhealthy pattern over the years that I want to break but am having a difficult time doing so.

It seems like over the last 10 years, I have gone after the newness and when that is gone, I move on or create conflict so that the other person will do the moving on and I don’t have to take the blame.

However, I am older and wiser and know that I want so much more. I have found a man that can and does give me the health that I want and need from a relationship.

And yet…

Here I am trying to ruin it.

Things are not bad yet, however it seems like I am trying hard to make them go that way. My man is kind and shows me every day how much he loves me and somehow, I find something wrong, something to create a fight over. He truly is a man/gentleman in every sense of the word. He has morals and values and passions and shows me that I am important to him. I know how lucky I am and I don’t want to ruin it, so what in my brain causes me to destroy good things? Don’t I think I deserve to be happy? This is killing me and could possibly kill my relationship if I don’t get a grip. I have to figure this out before I destroy something that could be, actually is great.

I have done a ton of personal work over the last few years, and in some areas of my life it shows tremendously. In this area, a very important area to me, it seems I am REALLY struggling. I haven’t felt this way or respected someone this much for as long as I can remember. He makes me want to be a better person and not only that, but he tells me every day that I am a good person and that I am lovable. Why can’t I believe it and let it be?

Friday, March 4, 2011

Geesh, where have you all been?

Well, it has been a while. It seems like this not working stuff is busier for me than a 40 hour a week job. I can’t figure out where all of my time is going. I have slacked on writing posts and reading. Please forgive me I am trying to get better. I miss all of you!

If you follow me on Facebook you know that I am giddy happy with my new guy. I hate posting about relationships since it seems to be the kiss of death for me, but I think/no I am sure that this one is different. He is a keeper and is sticking! We talk about everything. Things that bother us are easy to communicate about and move on from. I am feeling safe and cherished for the first time in my life. Sure there have been some small issues, but we talk about them. We work through them and we seem to come out better.

One thing that we have both noticed is how I am on the phone. It is really our only source of contention.

I seem to be amazingly happy and secure when we are together. No issues, and then, we talk on the phone and I seem to get a chip on my shoulder. He says he feels like I am on the defensive almost every time we talk on the phone. I have been wracking my brain trying to figure out why it is that I do this. I can be sitting there so excited for him to call, bragging about how wonderful he is to my mom and then I answer the phone and BAMM, I get an attitude for the silliest reason. It is so ridiculous.

I wonder if it is some sort of control issue or insecurity??? I just can’t put my finger on it, but I know I do it. Anyone else have phone issues with their significant other?

If anyone suggests that I don’t talk on the phone, I will fly to where ever you are and beat you bloody with my happy stick! I know a few of you will be tempted! LOL

Anyhow, I do miss all of you!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Blessings in Disguise?????

Well, it is finally happening. My office is shutting down and I am one of about 3 people left, but alas tomorrow is my final day here. I have mixed feelings. I have been here for 3 years and for the most part have no complaints. We all seem to have found our niche together and things just go smooth but we don’t have any work and you can’t very well keep something afloat when there aren’t any dollars coming in.

Every one is telling me that it is a blessing in disguise. It is my chance to go back to school and find something that I love instead of just being ok with. I agree. I have always loved the medical field and have already registered at the local community college. Summer classes start in May so I am going to be hanging out enjoying my time with my daughter for a few months.

That may prove to be the death of me. LOL

Many of you received an email with my new email address. I am adding it to my blog too. You can always reach me at my midlifemommy07 at yahoo dot com addy!

I feel blessed that I have this opportunity right now and that I have family and friends that support my decision.

Life is good for me in so many ways right now. I am excited for this new chapter in my life.

So, here is to 2011, all this year has become so far and what possibilities that are yet to come!


Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Trying to let go!

I am a bit of a hypocrite sometimes. My girlfriend called me the other night because her and her boyfriend had split up. She was a wreck because she said something mean to him and he left. He said he was done and wouldn’t take her calls and it had been a couple of days since she talked to him. She told me that she was going to turn it over to God and let him decide what would happen. I went ballistic. I believe in God, really I do. I am not one to pray on things though. I told her that God wasn’t going to call and tell him that she was sorry and that she was wrong to say what she said. God wasn’t going to let him know that he is a good man and that she was being silly. God wasn’t going to tell him that she wanted another chance to show him that she really does love him. I told her that God may lead and guide you or even make the final decision but she has to make an effort. She has to make her wrongs right.


While listening to “A Return to Love”, the author said that sometimes you have to let go of all expectations and let “him” do his job. Put it in his hands because he will not let you down. I choose to believe that this means “let things that you have no control over find their own way in the universe”. “What is meant to happen will happen”. I want to learn this. I want to hand it over and let someone else decide. I get that I still have to do the background work/leg work but wouldn’t it be nice to be so at peace with not worrying what the outcome of situation will be. To have so much faith in what ever happens will happen because it is meant to. I want to believe in this.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

So very giddy!

See, choose to be happy and look what happens.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Thanks for listening!

I think the universe is starting to hear me. Things feel good right now and here is a few of the reasons why!

I took my daughter to a group of specialists to make sure she is where she needs to be on all levels. (Recommended from her ped about her speech at her 3 year old check up). They all thought she was amazing, polite and a lot of fun to be around. She passed with flying colors in all areas. Heh doc!

I received two checks in the mail last week from an old Insurance Company that I used at least 7 years ago. My mom is financially struggling right now and I gave her most of it. It was a nice surprise, but nothing I expected and came at a nice time for my mom.

This one may sound strange, but my company may be closing its doors in the next few months. I have been here for 3 years and really don’t have any complaints nor do I want to be unemployed. But, I have wanted to go to school and this just may be the perfect opportunity to do so. It may just be the kick in the ass that I need to make a change.

When I had the realization that I date unavailable men, something really clicked for me. It is like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders in all aspects of my life. I feel more confident and happy about my choices. I feel lighter. I feel like I am capable of having a healthy relationship. It is my choice and I am choosing to be happy. I am happy right now!

I had an amazing weekend and all because I am starting to make the right choices. Good choices. I think the universe sees this and is helping me out and sending me amazing things!