Monday, April 18, 2011

Brutality at its Finest!

Well folks, the time has come to say good bye to this blog. I no longer feel like being a hypocrite. I am sick of lying to myself and all of you! I talk a big game about how I am working on making myself a better person. I talk about how I want to have inner peace and health and how far I have come over the years. Well guess what? I have been lying to everyone. I have changed nothing for the better. In fact, I may be worse off. I took something great and made it bad. I created issues that didn’t need to be there so that I can prove to myself that people don’t stay. I am only mad at myself for not being able to fix me, for not really getting healthy and for putting a great person through my issues.

It is time once again to focus on my daughter, finding a job and myself. I need to stop faking health in a blog and start figuring out why I do the shit that I do. I literally hate who I am right now. I hate that I can’t fix me. I hate that I am not worthy of being happy. I hate that happy makes me uncomfortable. I hate that my daughter has anger issues that I am positive she has got from watching me. Right now, unfortunately, I hate most of everything ME!

Don’t worry, I am a strong person. I will come out of this and get my shit together, but for now I really need to focus on getting real with myself. I have to fix me before I destroy anything or anyone else. I need to figure out why I feel the need to control people into loving me.

I love all of you and what I have learned from you all, and I am sure I will be around still trying to learn from you, but for now it is good bye. I will be shutting this down within the next two weeks. Thanks for all of your love and support over the years. You have been great friends.

38 comments:

  1. I wish you happiness & all the best! XO

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  2. You're right to want to focus on what's important to you - yourself and your daughter.

    Look, trying to "fix" oneself isn't easy, you're going to slip backwards and move forwards in teeny-tiny increments. A lifetime of learning can't be unlearned instantely. I'm right there with you trying to do the same thing. But only take your self-anger and loathing so far or you'll never correct what you want in yourself.

    Working with your daughter on her anger issues will help you, I know. She is also young enough to unlearn quickly. Her mother is a much better Mom/Person/Woman than she thinks she is.

    I hate to see you go, girl but you do what's best for YOU! You know where to find me and I know where to find you as long as you don't change your email! ;) ♥♥♥ & (((hugs)))

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  3. Ok, first of all, no "hypocrite" would have the awareness about themselves that you state here. Vent away, honey, and kick your own ass, if you must. But seriously, don't believe that you haven't grown or aren't getting better or learning or growing even still!

    This is when you get all the self-hate out in the privacy of your own space. And then honestly re-evaluate what you want. If you want to continue growing, because it's scary as hell, then you will go back and state the truth and ask for patience. YOU ARE WORTH LOVING. You just have to allow yourself to be loved.

    The hardest thing is to love and allow yourself to be loved. You're tougher than that. Kick that fear to the curb and take the next step in faith.

    Love you so much, D. I'm here for you if you want to talk.

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  4. *sighs*

    the change of times is always in the wind. Sometimes for the better, sometimes not. But no matter where you go or what you do, you know you have a friend in me.

    xoxox

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  5. I think you're being way too hard on yourself, but I doubt you'll believe me. Still, I need to say it.
    You may need to spend some time looking inward without sharing so outwardly, but I hope that you'll be back someday.

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  6. You sound so angry at yourself right now.
    Danielle I love your blog I think your a great person... will miss you

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  7. So sorry to read this. I really enjoyed your blog.

    If you truly feel like shutting this down, just stop writing. Don't delete it, I can almost guarantee that you will be glad you kept it down the road.

    You may feel discouraged today, but you have come a long way in your self improvement journey and you should keep your blog to see how many epiphanies you had.

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  8. I say leave it up - You never know... You may have something to blog one day and no where to put it.

    Dont be so hard on yourself girl. Really. Maybe you have issues - but there are WAY worse people out there who have WAY worse issues! Ya know?

    You'll be missed! So dont stay away too long.

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  9. I will miss your blog. Glad I can stay in touch with FB. Know that I know exactly what you're going through and please email me anytime!!!

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  10. I am with your other friends and fans. I am only an email away. I know just how hard it is to change ones self. Mine was different I was a drug addict for most of my life. I know you can do this and I am here for you if you ever feel the need to talk I would be honnerd to help you in any way I could

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  11. Danielle I do hope you change your mind, the things I've learned from most are the people on my blog, and other blogs. Hugs sweetie.

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  12. Danielle I do hope you change your mind, the things I've learned from most are the people on my blog, and other blogs. Hugs sweetie.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Blah blah, so you are HUMAN? Wow, none of us knew that! :) Stop beating yourself up about things. It is what it is, and while I get the whole blog thing, make sure you don't isolate yourself from people who do know and care for you. Don't cut your nose off to spite your face and all that shit. I send hugs, and you know where to find me if you need to. Be well.

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  14. Danielle, best of luck to you. Don't be a stranger.

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  15. e-mail me if you need me you know I always have love for ya!!!

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  16. Ultimately Danielle, it comes down to this . . . If we want change badly enough, we'll make it happen somehow . . . Sometimes, the forest has to burn to the ground to make room for the new, luxuriant growth . . . Peace and love . . . Ciao

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  17. This silence is killing me...

    just say hey peeps!!

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  18. hi there, it's me, eternal

    well i just want to say peace and best wishes with everything. stop by anytime over at my new place

    namaste

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  19. Why curse yourself? Will always look forward to your lovely blog!

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  20. Danielle - don't end the blog completely - just postpone it for a while. I took a year off from mine while life got in the way. Just because you are not achieving what you want doesn't mean you don't want too. The desire is there. Don't give up - always keep trying and each time you will get a little closer to where you want to be.

    ReplyDelete
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