Relationships are and always have been a difficult thing for me. My parents didn’t give me anything healthy to go by that is for sure. Over the years, I have picked a lot of guys that would give me the same kind of dysfunctional relationship that I was used to and was represented to me as a child. I guess I have formed a very unhealthy pattern over the years that I want to break but am having a difficult time doing so.
It seems like over the last 10 years, I have gone after the newness and when that is gone, I move on or create conflict so that the other person will do the moving on and I don’t have to take the blame.
However, I am older and wiser and know that I want so much more. I have found a man that can and does give me the health that I want and need from a relationship.
Here I am trying to ruin it.
Things are not bad yet, however it seems like I am trying hard to make them go that way. My man is kind and shows me every day how much he loves me and somehow, I find something wrong, something to create a fight over. He truly is a man/gentleman in every sense of the word. He has morals and values and passions and shows me that I am important to him. I know how lucky I am and I don’t want to ruin it, so what in my brain causes me to destroy good things? Don’t I think I deserve to be happy? This is killing me and could possibly kill my relationship if I don’t get a grip. I have to figure this out before I destroy something that could be, actually is great.
I have done a ton of personal work over the last few years, and in some areas of my life it shows tremendously. In this area, a very important area to me, it seems I am REALLY struggling. I haven’t felt this way or respected someone this much for as long as I can remember. He makes me want to be a better person and not only that, but he tells me every day that I am a good person and that I am lovable. Why can’t I believe it and let it be?