I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I haven't been talking a lot about my home life because I am really trying to figure out where I go wrong in relationships and why. Basically trying to figure out why every relationship that I have ever had has gone down the exact same path. One of my favorite sayings is "Look for what the common denominator is in a situation and fix it?" Well folks, guess what it is? ME ME ME.
My childhood was not ideal at all and I know that a lot of my issues stem from that, but I am 38 and I haven't let go. I am actually letting stuff that happened 30+ years ago dictate ME as a grown women with a 2 year old child.
I had some really deep issues with my mother for a very long time. We literally didn't speak for years at a time when I was in my 20's. Finally when her and my dad got divorced after 30 years it all came to a head and we went to a councilor. My mother always said, "I did the best I could" and until we went and saw someone I felt as though that was such a cop out. The best you could screwed me up and that is all you have to say? Any way, my mom finally acknowledged that she was a horrible parent and that she was sorry and whalla!!! No more anger towards her. I even understand who she was back then and why she did the things she did. I might even have gone that route in her situation. I guess I just needed her to acknowledge my anger about it. We have been the best of friends since then with very few, minor fights along the way.
So why, if I can let that stuff go, can't I get a friggin grip when it comes to my relationships, my anger, my controlling ways, and my insecurities? Every relationship starts the same way. I am fun, outgoing, easygoing, happy etc... and them BAM, the feelings start and I get Weird! This usually starts a huge circle of shit. Like I get controlling and jealous over something, then I feel stupid and think I have ruined everything. Then I get insecure and the cycle repeats its self. The guy ends up shutting down (do you blame them?) I beg and blame them for a while, then I shut down. Then the guy wants to work things out and I am just done.
This post is really hard for me to write because I am so ego driven and I am basically confessing to being a full blown, eye turning, train wreck.
I guess it is becoming painfully real to me given that I am about to be divorced after only 1 year of marriage and I have a very impressionable little girl looking for me to not screw her up. I need to fix me and I don't know how to. I have started counseling again and am reading a lot of books. I write as I read them and really try to think and tie things together. I am trying to think before I speak and I am trying to think of why I am saying and feeling the things I do.
The hard part for me is trying to change the behavior that I have had my whole life. Even when I think I know where it stems from, when it is ingrained in you, how do you change it?
I really really really want to get healthy for my self and my daughters sake. I don't think my marriage will be able to be saved because for as much as I am to blame (and believe me, I am to blame) my husband has some very BIG issues that he isn't willing to change. So for now, all I can do is work on me and try to do what is right for my little one's future.
And why wouldn't you want to see this happy!!!!
The pictures are supposed to go here, but I am Blog illiterate and don't know how to get them to the bottom. So instead, it looks like I am saying my kiddo is a train wreck. WTF