The decision

So, for those of you that have not read my older posts, you may not realize that my daughter is not my soon to be ex husbands child. I have known him for over 10 years, but started dating him when she was 12 months old. Within 1 and a half years, we were living together, engaged, married, separated and now soon to be divorced. Yes, I know that this makes me sound like a slut with major issues and it’s probably true, but I like to do things backwards and wrong. I have always done things this way, people that know me, even expect it from me. I am sure that this explains a lot.

Now I find myself in a bit of a conundrum. You see, she calls him daddy and in her 2 year old mind, still relates to him as such. When he is around, she clings to him. She tells me she wants to go to daddy’s house almost every day. He says that he wants to be her daddy and remain in her life, but that it would be up to me to allow that. I am torn as to what is best for my daughter. I know that she loves him and he loves her, but should I cut the ties now while she is young and maybe won’t be affected too much. What if someday (a very long time from now) I meet someone that wants to be a family and actually means it? Someone that doesn’t promise time and then only come though with it when it works for him. Someone that doesn’t need to drink himself silly and miss major events in her or my life.

I know that my soon to be ex will provide financial help for her directly (meaning that he will get her the things she needs, but will not provide me with child support, which I completely understand and agree with since it is way more than most would do in this situation) and will be very good to her when he finds time. He will also provide a strong drive in academics, work ethic and possibly some male interaction that all little girls need. He really does love her in the only way that he knows how to love.

Here is where I have a major problem;

I know that he loves her in his own way. He treats her very well when he can find the time. But, we have been out of his house for over 2 months now and last week was the first time he has made time to see her. When we all lived under the same roof, in the beginning, he made a lot of time for her (and me), but almost as soon as we got married, that stopped. He began to choose work, hunting, friends and drinking over family time. Yes, I did play a part in this; he is not all to blame. However, he chooses to actually miss almost every holiday (including her Birthday family celebration) because he is hung over. Case in point: This Christmas Eve, I invited him over for dinner and to watch her open her gifts and possibly stay over night to be there when she woke for Santa’s gifts. He said that he wanted to and would call when he knew what time he could make it. At one point, he called to say that he was on his way and even offered to pick up my step sister. About a half hour later, I got a call that he couldn’t do it because he had to get up early to go hunting. In the background, I heard 2 of his buddies and they were already drinking, plus I could tell that he was already started slurring during our conversation which meant that they started drinking hours ago. He promised to see her on Christmas day, so I invited him to come over to my family’s home that is about 10 minutes from his house. His response was that he would come over for a while to give her his presents, but that he hates gatherings and didn’t want to stay too long. About an hour before that, I got a call stating that he was going to his sisters instead. (This would be completely understandable except that not one time while we were together did he accept an invite to her house for any reason because he can’t be in the same room as her for more than 5 minutes. But then again, her husband is one of his drinking buddies). Finally Saturday, he showed up, after Christmas was over and was of course hung over. But, I guess better late than never. This is how most of our married life played out. Everything came before me and since my daughter is “me”, before her too. I don’t understand how you can want to be a part of her (a 2 year olds) life and not want to be with her on her first “getting it” Christmas.

I can handle his selfish behavior now (I could not when we were married and I had to be round for the drunken hung over parts), but can a young impressionable little girl? Do I want to share her with someone that is no longer in my life, nor is blood related to her and can miss all of the important times in her life for a beer, gun and his friends?

I truly want what is best for my daughter and am torn between what that is. A father figure that is there when convenient, but is there sometimes and she loves him.

Or, just a mommy that can show her enough love for 200 people.