Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Is Personal Growth a Bad Thing in the Dating World?

This is something that I have been thinking about lately since I am for all intense purposes single and at some point will jump back into the o-so-wonderful world of dating. I am going to be 40 years old in a few months and you all know that I have really been working on trying to figure out who I am (in all aspects) and what makes me, well, me.

In the last year I have grown in so many ways and yet I know that I have so MUCH more growing to do. I think that this is a common theme in most of the single, 40ish/middle aged women that I know. They are either in a spot where they are comfortable with whom they are for the first time in their lives, or are working diligently to get there.

It seems like the past 20 years or so, I was living life, making (MANY) mistakes, learning from some and just dealing with others, chasing the proverbial dream and not being too serious about any one thing or person. Life seemed for the most part to be easy because I didn’t really care. I had plenty of time for that. Lately, I have become much more complicated and to me, this is a good thing, but is it in the realm of “relationship world”.

So my question is this. Do men want to date a women that is more comfortable in her skin, but has more boundaries, won’t put up with as much shit because we know more of what we want and don’t want, are more set in our lives and life styles and have real life “baggage”, but are more comfortable with our bodies, and are all and all mentally healthier?


Do they want the 20, early 30 something that may be less comfortable with their sexuality and less mentally healthy, but aren’t always questioning things to death, are more day by day, are able to be molded, and aren’t looking for someone to grow old with yet?

I am guessing that my (I am generalizing, sorry) answer lies in the fact that I only see men my age with younger women.

I am also guessing that if I were a man, (oh how I would love to be for just 1 day) I would date the hot young chick that isn’t “so healthy” that they analyze and “try to figure” out every single thing that happens.

I guess I just answered my own question. What are your thoughts?


  1. I think every man wants something different. Lucky for me, my man loves that I question things...loves that I don't take shit from anyone...and loves that I am comfortable with who I am. I'm 28 (as is he) and I think I learned a lot of life lessons early on due to choices I made. But I know other friends of mine (well really most of them) are the 20 something, not so comfortable in their skin, put up with a lot of crap from guys kind of women. And it doesn't seem that any of their boyfriends really find that attractive. Which would explain why MOST of their relationships are a mess!

  2. You will attract what you need. You will attract what you are. You will attract someone who appreciates you for WHO YOU ARE not who you're pretending to be.

    Trust in that. If they're not attracted, no thanks. Next!

  3. I think a woman who is more comfortable in her own skin is LESS likely to question/over-analyze everything. If it's not a fit we just move on or learn to accept things for what they are instead of trying to "fix" or mold a guy or a relationship into what we (think) we want.

    *Some* people, men and women alike, never learn to appreciate what they have and I think only growth and maturity can get someone to that point.

  4. Great observations and insights. I think it's a mix! I admit, I don't like dating women 10 years older than me because they often are set in their ways and have boundaries, and try to mold me to be something I don't want to be. I was married to someone older than me, and that's not what I'm looking for now.

    I also admit, I have enjoyed dating younger women who weren't so put together emotionally - partly because they attached to me for very specific reasons (usually it was because I'm a dad involved in my kids' lives, and these women had crappy relationships with their dad)

    I've moved out of that phase, and am now targetting women who are right around my age (give or take a few years)

    I think dating is a great way to get to know yourself better, and if you are aware of the process, you'll evolve all that more quickly. And we are all still evolving - it's a life-long process.

    Have fun out there. Don't stress the ones who are interested in someone else. Just keep moving.

  5. Most men want the well educted, but not too smart, mute, hot 20 something tight body that loves cook, clean, and give them BJ's while they watch ESPN. One who will dabble in anal sex when the need arises is also a bonus.

    Don't ask me how I know this.

  6. If I lived with-in 100 miles of you we'd already be dating.... well, I would have asked you out at least....

  7. Depends on who you want to attract. You will attract what you are...if you want an emotionally mature, self-analytical guy, and that is where you are at, you have a much better chance of finding him. If you're just out there having fun you'll attract the guys that are less serious and just want that lifestyle. Just live your life the way you have been living it, do what you need to do for yourself, and the right men will be attracted to you for it. I *promise*.

  8. I think the key with dating is to be true to yourself. Sometimes it's hard to remember not to settle. We have to remember to be smart and not feel desperate. We have to remember to keep our head up and our eyes open to opportunities. In my experiences, I've found love when I wasn't even looking.

    Sure, he admits that he has dated the hot, tight, 20 something chick...that is what he's used to, but when he wanted a relationship of substance, something real, he wanted to be with me. Men find strong, confident, mature, loving individuals to be very attractive...in their own special way.

    Be yourself. And listen to T and Mindy. (Oh, and I always trust David for a male perspective.) ;)

  9. under 30 dont even try it,,, you have no idea yet what is going on in the world. I say come back in a few years when you have seen more, done more and feel better about yourself.

    you on the other hand seem quite perfect and I think when it comes, it will come to you like a thunderbolt in the night.... *wham*

    at times miles suck...

  10. First LMAO @ Candice.

    I won't date greater than 5 years younger than myself. It's just too different from what I want. The only people I ever see dating someone a lot younger than themselves really aren't dating, but just having sex.

    Like T said you'll attract where you're at. The healthier I get the better women I attract. There is no way to jump the line. So enjoy your trip up the ladder and learn all that you can about yourself at each rung.

  11. I think the men who date younger women are either afraid of commitment, afraid of having kids anytime soon or afraid of real intimacy.

    If you can be all the great things you listed - plus the "don't question things to death" attribute that the 20-somethings have, you'll be in good shape. Trust your gut. When you trust in yourself, you don't have to question everything to death because you just know.

  12. Mel Heth - I'm a man who has dated younger women. When I was 44, my girlfriend was 29. Did I fear commitment, having kids, or real intimacy? Nope. I was having fun and enjoying life with a woman who feared those things.

  13. Heck, Im glad I dont have to date! I would suck at it. Even when I was young and cute and 20 something I sucked at it. Good luck, just try to have fun with it!

  14. Ummm...how about what YOU want in a date?!?

  15. loved this post...very interesting!!!!!! the comments were great!:) and I have NO idea what the answer is...

  16. Savage has some competition!
    Well if I wasn't married anyway.

    I don't know what other guys want but a 22 year old chick has nothing for me. At all. And that is true.

    If I were dating right now I'd want a woman in the vicinity of my age, or if she was younger she would have to have some strong life experience. What good would a kid do me?

    Anyway, find a guy that respects you, age won't matter to either of you.

  17. I'm around your age and have found a man who's my age too. I was shocked to see that there are a few of them who aren't interested in the young ones. But, it's frustrating to see how many are.

  18. Men who prefers really young women are phedohiles of just plain coward!

    Just saying.

  19. One of the most interesting and worth reading blog I read.