Monday, May 24, 2010

Part 3 of my childhood.

It is so weird for me to go back and think about this stuff. In the last 5 or so years, I have tried to look past all of this and forgive. I really have no hard feelings for my parents anymore and I think that bringing up some of this is easier because of that. I know that a lot of my personality is driven because of how I was raised and since I am trying to learn who I am and why I do things, I think that remembering some of this helps me with this.


I also don’t want to tarnish the way people view my mother. She is a truly wonderful and caring person that realizes that she wasn’t a great mom. She was a child herself.

My dad can fend for himself and I will only say that he has changed immensely over the years and all for the better. He loves my daughter and I as much as he possibly can.


My dad was in the military when I was born and did not meet me until I was almost a year old. When he came home, he and my mother got heavily involved with drugs and moved to Colorado to get out from under their parents thumbs. They were the typical hippie parents that carted me around with them while they partied. I basically have very little recollection of my life before the age of 4 or 5 years old which is probably a good thing.

My mother and I bounced between living with my dad in Colorado and living with my grandparents in Ohio until I was about 5. My grandparent’s home was the only stable atmosphere I knew growing up and I was often dropped there as to not burden my parents and their party life. This was probably my saving point and allowed me to learn that I did not want to go down that life path!

When I was young, I am guessing about 5 years old, the one thing I do remember was living in an apartment complex with many floors. I was being watched by an upstairs neighbor and was sent home at the designated time that my parents agreed on. I remember knocking on our apartment door and no one answered. I became scared thinking that maybe it was not my home and I had gone down too many flights of stairs. I walked up and down the stairs crying uncontrollably until, I believe, my stoned father remembered that he was supposed to be at home to greet me and found me sobbing up and down the halls.

Up until about 5th grade, I spent the summers in Ohio and dreaded the time when I had to go back to Colorado and live with my parents. Ohio was safe, loving and normal. My grandmother (my mom’s mom) was everything to me. If it weren’t for her, I am guessing that I would be lying on a corner somewhere right now.

While in Colorado, I listened to my parents drink, drug, fight, and party. I would have to stay at peoples houses that I didn’t know so that my parents could go out and get hammered and drugged up. I never really slept at other peoples houses and I seemed to be in a constant state of anxiety during that time. I remember an anger building in me during that time in my life. One that I did not understand nor could I control.

My father cheated on my mom one night and I remember lying in my room listening to my mom sob, knowing that he wasn’t coming home and what he was doing. I remember being so angry and not being able to do anything about it. I was never allowed to have a voice. I was a child and children were not meant to be heard. My mom returned the favor to him plenty of times through out the next few years. She evened the score if we were counting.  I think I was counting.

18 comments:

  1. Very sad to hear. One thing I was taught was to put my son in my place when I was a kid to get the correct reaction/response. I will still accept a lot from my childhood, but put my son in that spot and hell no its a different story. Thanks for sharing.

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  2. Thanks for sharing. I can relate to a lot of this..especially the "children should be seen and not heard" bit. It's taken me almost 40 years to figure out that I do have a voice.

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  3. Hey Danielle....wow, it does sound like you had a checkered past (I know the feeling all too well). It is great that you took away positive things from your experiences and got some insight on the kind of parent you wanted to be/not be. Your daughter seems to be in very good hands with you, so you should be proud of yourself. Some people end up just like their parents... I struggled with that, and decided I wanted better for myself and my kids even if it meant it would hurt to let go of certain things I wanted (but were toxic in my life)...
    You are great:)

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  4. I think it is interesting how you felt that snese of anxiety even in other people's homes; the exact opposite was my experience, I loved to stay at other people's houses where things were so...normal, no tension or anxiety. We have both made great strides, no?

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  5. what a lot you have overcome. You are so strong and resilient!

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  6. Sweet D...

    This made me want to reach out and give you a big giant hug.

    My parents were partiers too but I don't recall anything like what you wrote here. Oh how I would have taken you in and loved you!!

    Can I do that now?

    *big smile*

    You are amazing. I'm happy you're doing this.

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  7. Ouch. :(

    But isn't it amazing how our past experiences form and shape us?! I think we are better people for it in the long run.

    xoxo

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  8. Damn girl. Thats rough.

    BIG xoxoxoxoxox's!!

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  9. I know this is therapy. Sometimes we have to see where we've been to figure out where we're going. Know that you are finally safe and loved here. Don't think of us as strangers...we're simply friends you haven't met in person yet.

    Big hugs.

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  10. Wow, girl. I'm speechless. And very sad for that little girl. It's good that you are processing this stuff.

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  11. Very sad to hear. But it's good that you can reflect. I don't feel anger in your words, so maybe you are forgiving, as well.

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  12. The fact that your parents have "grown up" and acknowledged what they did must help immensely. I think that probably helped you get past the anger. So as much as my heart hurts for what you've been there, I'm going to hold onto the good that has come out of this, and be grateful that you can all have a relationship today.

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  13. Cripes; meant to say "for what you've been through" not "been there."

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  14. That is so terrible but probably made you the person you are today...it's cathartic to go back and relive it sometimes. And...love it that you felt safe in Ohio! ;)

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  15. Wow. I h*te you had to go through all that. That's so terrible for a little girl. :o(

    But I'm thankful that you have the insight to overcome it, and not repeat the same mistakes.

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  16. *hugs* That's a lot to go through.

    I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for my Grandma either. I'm glad you had yours too.

    xoxo
    ~vk~

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  17. wow how did I miss this post????
    That sucks girl. But experiences does shape and form us all. I like your shape and form!

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