Tuesday, September 28, 2010

I want that one and that one and ummm, that one!

When it comes to men, I feel like a kid in a candy store. Let me explain. I am one of “those” people that always think the grass is greener. Ohhhh, look at that new kind of candy. I think it will taste sweeter than this old candy that I am used to so I think I will buy it. Oh, but now I am craving something chocolaty. Oh, but look over there, sour may be just what the doctor ordered. You never know if the one with peanuts will make me happy though so I should at least try it to make sure.

This is why I had never gotten married before. I knew that I wasn’t the “one man for the rest of my life” kind of gal. After I had my daughter and turned 38 I really wanted to change this behavior, so I gave it a go. I got married and guess what? Just saying that I wanted to change it didn’t make it happen. So after one year of eating black licorice, I gave up. Can you blame me, that's some nasty tasting crap!

I use the excuse that it just isn’t for me. It doesn’t make me a bad person as long as I know it and don’t fool people and that I let people know up front that we can have fun but I am not a long term girl.

So, where is this going you ask? Well, I don’t really want my daughter to see men come and go. I don’t really want to end up old, wrinkly and relying on her to wipe my ass and mostly, I do want to find a love that I deserve.

So, how do I get the hell out of the candy store with just one kind of candy and learn to love it even when the wrapper gets torn off?


  1. Realizing that your not going to find THE PERFECT GUY is a good place to start.

    I'm pretty perfect except for my tendency to over-flatulate. My wife says if I can just give up THAT ONE THING... then I'd be perfect. I can't though... it's too much fun! :)

  2. Well i would think that maybe you could make an "open marriage" deal. Or maybe find a guy that is your friend as well as lover and if he is good with your end of the deal being open that should be a perfect deal! It seems that maybe if you like the person as a friend it works better as a partner.

    The line of different men does seem to ensure many trips to the shrink for daughters though, good plan at not showing that and she should appreciate the non-wiping role as well.

  3. Hahahaha! Love Papa K's comment!

    So you have ADD when it comes to men. It must mean that you haven't found any sort of contentment with yourself, either.

    Listen, I have MAJOR desires to learn and try new things all of the time. I can't help it. I think the fact that you understand this about yourself is a huge place to start!

    If you can accept this about yourself, and be honest about it, you will be fine. At some point, there will be someone who will stop you in your tracks. You will see something that you've never seen before. And you will want THAT.

    And you'll be blind to anything but!

    It does start with you, though. Hang out, enjoy yourself, be you.

    Love ya D.

  4. Your too sweet to be without candy, but how are you supposed to know what you like without sampling the flavors? So there are bound to be some torn wrappers strewn about.

    There are a lot of things in life that you may not know you like until you try it, believe me, I've experienced a few myself. I'm with T on this, hang in there and be yourself. You'll never know who will come along and find you, and maybe in the process you'll find your "flavor".

  5. I'm all for sampling as many options are available... how else will you know what tastes the best? The trick is not involving your daughter in all this "sampling" (dating). There's no reason she needs to meet anyone until you're sure that you would even want them around on a permanent basis.

    The juggling act of a single mom is extremely hard. But you've got to prioritize. Her mental and emotional stability have to come before your desire to find that love and to not be alone.

    I'm the daughter of a mother who did a lot of dating while I was young.. and it does have an affect.. a big one.

    Good luck on your search!

  6. It is definitely challenging! I am notorious for sabotaging relationships because I see something shinier! I'm not sure what the answer is. I have yet to be successful. My relationships ARE getting longer, though.

  7. you know the grass is greener where it rains all the time...

    any guess where that is....

  8. I always thought removing the wrapper was the best part. I have several wrappers you can tear off as it were...

  9. I think your focus and concern for your little one is well placed... take care of her needs and psyche... and then take care of yours...

    Have you ever really ever been in love?


  10. Okay, I completely understand this. I think somewhere along the way though you find that one candy that meets the majority of your needs. It's chocolately and peanutty and has just the right amount of nougat and carmel. You know that there will be days that you tire of it, but that for the most part it's the one that you want to have in your emergency stash, the one you always want to have around.

    And when it's the right one, suddenly the others seem less shiny, less appealing. It's easier to give up and forgo the other candies if you have one that meets all your needs.

    Be patient, Danielle. You just haven't found the right one yet.

    Big hugs!

  11. You will have to keep it interesting. Do some roll playing. You both should have your own interests and something you both enjoy doing together.

  12. Does this mean you found a new flavor I don't know about? ;)

  13. *snort* You crack me up.

    And um....I am of NO help bc I *am* married AND I still shop at the candy store. Haha... Wait. Maybe try my way, maybe that will work for you! ;)


  14. no help whatsoever! I have ALWAYS been a one candy kind of gal! I do think MAYBE there will come a time when you will fall hard enough for the right person..maybe!:)

  15. I think you need to stick to chocolate. Men will eventually disappoint, and yes, you will get tired of the same old black licorice. But chocolate is forever.

  16. I think you're limiting your choices, believe it or not. I think (for now), you can continue to experiment - just keep it from your child. Your private life should be just that: PRIVATE. Later, you might change your mind, you might enjoy just one and want to savor it and introduce it to your child. But for now, I don't think you have to choose.

  17. I think you have to have no expectations of a relationship, other than enjoy the passing of time. Anything else will set things up for disappointment. Of course, I've been divorced 10 years and am on the lookout for someone to wipe my ass in my elderly years, so what do I know...

    Did you ever consider owning the whole candy store?

  18. I love candy !

    If I had the answer to how to change this sort of behaviour, I wouldn't be making the same mistakes myself.

  19. Many good things have been said, but I dunno what you'll make of this...

    many people think about "the love I deserve." What does that mean? Deserve sounds like the love I am owed. There are various ways to think about that, but at the extreme, nobody owes you anything. What have you done to deserve love? Even better, and the way I like to think about it, is the idea of WORTHY. Are you worthy of Love? What have you done to be worthy of it?
    Worthy indicates that there is something you are doing, that you have energy that must be spent on it. This is no knock on you, just a provacative thought, an interesting way to look at it. I personally know quite a few people that think they deserve things, all the while not knowing that they are lucky they do not get what they deserve. It would be devastating. To be worthy is to strive, to deserve means that the work is already done, and you are being paid back.

    As far as the candy store thing... only you can decide when you will make a choice and stick with it. Be bull headed. Be stubborn. As long as you are always looking for the next big thang, as long as you always keep your options open, you feed into the idea of inpermanance. I don't mean being stubborn with a bad decision! But to hold on to something, as if you depend on it. When you always think there is something else out there, you don't hold the rough diamonds in your hand.

    Thrid and for heaven's sake don't introduce the kid to your boyfriends until you are going to keep one. It's not just the kid that can suffer from that, but also the guy. When I was a kid of 4 I asked one of my mom's boyfriends [long ago in 1969] if he was going to be my daddy. Everyone in the room was mortified except me, since I naturally didn't know... But all these years later, I know what kind of pressure that put this guy under... My mom decided he wasn't the one, but she made a poor decision on who was right as well... Interestingly I've already put off a woman or two because I wouldn't introduce my own kids to them... I don't think they realized how important it can be...

    Sorry the ramble was so long... but finally, don't be afraid to gamble, don't shy from disappointment, just because it stings. Without daring greatly, you won't reap reward. You will also always look for the next thing because it doesn't cost much.

    IMHO anyway, YMMV.

  20. Well, my dear....Thats simple! You taste all the candies til you find THE ONE candy you'll always love and never get tired of. Me? I could eat Swedish Fish all day everyday. Red Vines would be a close second, but it just didnt work out... you know? =)

  21. It took me 34 years to figure out that only one wasn't the answer. I'd been lulled into a near comatose state of thinking it was okay to be bored to death and angry all the time. Keep doing what you're doing and have a couple really good friends to take care of the ass wiping. Because even if you do find "the one" there's no guarantee he's gonna be there to do it or if he'll want to do it!

  22. Not all of us (if any) are meant to be with one person for the rest of their lives, what's wrong with living in the candy shop.

  23. You have to love your own flavor first. :o)

  24. You have some great advice here! Especially the part about not expecting perfection. Forgiveness for being human is a 'must' to stay with someone for any length of time.

  25. So what makes you the non marrying type.
    Is it your family because you have seen so much failure or so much sadness ?
    Is it friends who are trapped in marriages they don't really want to be in ?
    As long as you have the attitude of 'I'm not the type"---or "I'm ready now, so I will"---you wont--
    Just trust that whatever happens will be fine and you are open to anything--well, anything that will keep you and your beautiful baby contented.
    The White Knight on the horse isn't going to gallop down your street, the Millionaire is too busy counting his money and mistresses and the Movie Star has too much make-up to share a bathroom with you---but that nice average looking guy with a good solid job building furniture and doesn't spend every night drinking in a bar, might just love you and your baby for the rest of your life-----give him a chance

  26. I thought you were all in for Skittles?

  27. I love the way you wrote this post. I have no idea how to help. When picking out candy try to stick with something that is good for your heart and not just choose based on looks.

  28. The grass AIN'T greener, honey, it's just on the other side of the fence.

    Grab your overall favorite candy, and MAKE DO.

    I prefer the old "Chunky" bars with raisins.....do they still make those ? (sorry. off topic)

  29. I think maybe the trick is to come up with new experiences - even if they're with the same old candy. What makes different relationships fun is the novelty they offer up front. That thrill of experiencing something new. So I think if you can work new LIFE experiences in, you can sort of recreate the thrill of a new, different relationship even if you're with the same man. At least that has seemed to work for me for the past 3 years. :)

  30. I had the same problem! Got through it though. Now have been in the same relationship for four years (sadly it is BY FAR my longest relationship ever and I am 36). I have been married for three of them. He legally adopted my daughter last year.

    There are some things that help...but different things work for different people. For me it was a period of complete abstinence and learning how to like myself first before I figured out what I wanted in another person.

    THEN I sat down and REALIZED whatever kind of man I dated and had around my kid would be what kind of man she looked for when she grew up SO I wrote down all the qualities that would be admirable and great in a dream man. The kind of guy I would want for her when she grew up and I kinda realized it was what I wanted for myself and that is the kind of guy I set my standards for. After not being with any other "candy" when I got that "candy" that fit my list NOT ONLY was it the best it has lasted.

    He is my best friend on top of my love and he has put up with a lot from me. He balances me. I am high maintenance he is patient and calm. He calms my crazy. We are good together.

    Find what works for you too and be at peace and happiness and calm and remember there are little eyes, and ears observing and following the example you set.

    THAT is what got me through. That is what turned me from party girl to content wife and mom. WHEN I GET A SUPER BAD CRAVING for another candy - I talk to him about needing a date night, needing to change things up a bit with how we do things, and if all else fails there are always toys BUT so far so good.