Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Same old shit!

Oh my, this has been such an eye opening week for me. I pray (well not really pray) that I can take all of this stuff and learn from it for once in my life. Take the good and the bad and actually do something with it. Like really do something, not just say I am going to and then do the same shit over and over again making excuse after excuse. I am 40 for god sake and it is TIME!!!!! How many times have you heard me say that now?


I think I have been bullshitting my self over the last 2 years. I tell myself that I have changed for the better and am really trying to be a better person, but in reality, nothing has changed for me deep down. I still have my old “evil’ ways rearing their ugly heads every time I let my guard down. I can’t seem to hold on to or adhere to any form of boundary.

I am not going to go into details here, but shit has happened. I followed one of my old patterns and it ended up the same way that it has ended every time before. Innocent people have been affected and as always, I am left standing here knowing that I caused some of it. I have once again, allowed my selfishness and I “want” therefore; I shall “have” attitude take control of me even though I knew it was wrong.

Really, I am sick of hurting too. I want more for me! ME!!!! Not my daughter, but ME!!!! She will reap the benefits in the long run. I am sick of hating me!

I am not going to lie. I don’t even know where to start. I have acknowledged all of this before and I am AWARE of what I do. I read and journal and have been in and out of therapy many times in my life and yet here I still am doing the same shit time and time again!

35 comments:

  1. I wish I had the answers and something to say that would sound helpful. I don't though, but I care. I guess that's all I can say. I do care.

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  2. At least you are recognizing the pattern. I think you're going through a "wake-up" phase in your life where everything is hitting home right now.

    I know that you will make changes for the better next. Please don't rush yourself. You didn't develop problems overnight.

    The thing that helps me the most is the make changes immediately, not telling myself I will do it tomorrow or the next day, but making them as I think them.

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  3. Change will only come when you absolutely decide for yourself that YOU ARE READY. It's for you. Not for your baby, not for a man, not for a friend, not for family. It's only for you, and YOU ARE WORTH IT!

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  4. First, don't beat the hell out of yourself. You're obviously aware of the problems and the best you can do is once again to reslove to correct them. We all fall off our own wagons now and again. Try not to tackle the entire scope all at once, take the small things one at a time. I'll be in your cheering section.

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  5. Giant hugs, honey. It is time for you to realize your worth (as adrienzgirl said). Those old patterns are EASY. It's trusting the new ones that is the more difficult path to take. Once you do it, though, once you push the tipping point over to loving yourself and feeling your worth, you will wonder why you didn't do it sooner!

    It's ok. Forgive yourself. Realize that you chose a well-traveled path but you want to choose again, differently.

    Breathe through this. Send love to those whom you feel have been affected by your actions. Even if you only do it in your heart. Do it. And then do it for yourself too.

    We have ALL made mistakes. Now it is time to take a new step forward.

    You got this.

    ((hugs))

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  6. Girl, change is HARD and that is why so many people tell themselves that it's "just the way I am" and leave it at that instead of trying to grow or better themselves. You are trying and thats what matters. We all slip and make mistakes sometimes but you're on the right path.

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  7. I know how you feel - this whole process of change is tough. I have tripped up a couple times myself from what I though I was trying to achieve. Each time I feel badly and then evaluate why it happened and make changes for the future. I think that is all we can do - that is the betterment process.
    I hope you feel better and workout whatever it is.
    -Doc

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  8. Sorry your hating yourself, I suggest don't try to change but rather accept who you are and surround yourself with people who accept you on that basis.

    For the record I really like you.

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  9. I almost had to laugh because you said you're not holding any boundaries, and then the next sentence was "I am not going into details here" so it seems to me you ARE maintaining SOME boundaries.
    I have no idea what's going on, but I'm here for you if you need it. Hugs.

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  10. Sometimes we are hard headed and refuse to learn the first time. All that means is that indeed we are human. I think it’s true we even try to fool ourselves in the natural progression of things before we really come to the realization that we have to do certain things to actually change. We might even try to fool ourselves then, but in the end things do change. Maybe not as soon as we like, but they do change, have just a little faith…

    If you need a hug, come here….

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  11. Hey, look at you---out there and saying it.
    There is plenty to like about you, so you have a great foundation.
    40 is almost grown up. Go for the changes

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  12. I agree with lots of comments here... recognizing/acknowledging what is wrong is always the first step in finding a solution.

    Perhaps you're entering your mid life crisis (for a mid life mommy!); I know I'm getting there slowly. I don't have solutions, but I'm sure you'll know what to do to be happy; but don't hate yourself for that.

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  13. There are some better thing in your life.. like me for instance... even though I'm over a state away...

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  14. If it were easy, everyone would do it the first time...and stick to it.

    I second Adrienzgirl's comment. She knows her stuff.

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  15. I agree with what Senorita said... Identifying the pattern and the repetition is good... it is important.

    ~shoes~

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  16. perhaps identify what it is you get from this behavior that you need... and then figure if there is a positive way to get that filled instead. shouting stop is easier said than done, but if you can get yourself to stop doing the thing for just one minute... then you don't do it for the next minute, and then the next, and then a day, and then a year.
    and when you've fupped duck, well there is that next minute coming, and you can begin it again.
    I wont blow smoke and tell you it's easy.

    if it affects the innocent, then you MUST stop it. only you can protect them from this thing, whatever it is. only you can protect them from you. sometimes we can't do stuff for ourselves, because we may not care enough for us, but you can be much stronger for someone else most of the time. So, get it down to where it effects only you, and then find the worth in yourself to work on it for you. whatever it may be. you have plenty of support here, and hopefully in real life as well.

    but fundamentally only you can accomplish this task, and I hope the best for you.

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  17. Well, I dont know what to say.

    If you screw up apologize and try and do better next time...?

    *hugs*

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  18. Change IS hard. That you recognize the need to change, the behaviors that you want to change, and are even making an attempt is a challenge in and of itself. Beating yourself up is counter-productive. Just dust yourself off when you mess up and try again.

    T's right...you've got this.

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  19. Even when we're aware, we can still slip into old habits. A lifetime of reaction programming is hard to break past. Rather than fight the evil feelings, acknowledge them, embrace them, be with them, be grateful that you are being given the chance to really know them. And they will dissipate over time.

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  20. Hugs to you... Change is sooooo freaking hard... can I say that again? Frick Frackin Hard... but they say... the first step to making change in our lives... is recognizing we want/need it... but its hard.... more hugs to you.... from another mamma that needs to make some changes in her life....

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  21. Awe..hugs you deserve the best..we always make mistakes..forgiveness is the key...Your a great and your one of the most beautiful girls I know! Hang in suga and e-mail me if you want to talkHuggs

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  22. Sigh.
    Well, that is all I have I guess.
    Hope it works out, or gets better. You do however need to understand your worth.

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  23. I'm pretty sure there's nothing I can say that hasn't already been said.
    Just know I came, I read, I understand the necessity of breaking old habits. Take care beautiful girl.

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  24. I'm not sure what to say. Is that ok? Hope things get better.

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  25. This is an o/t comment. I read you and Mindy on a regular basis. I've been trying to log on to Mindy's blog for a few days, but it's seems like it has gone private? My ISP is from Saudi, I assure you I am normal, and American, and bored, and so desperate to keep reading blogs from American, people that have regular lives, that I can relate to, remember (and Yes I have lived through really shitty single mom years) what life used to be like. Is there anyway I can contact her to get the password? Many thanks.

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  26. Whatever it is you are facing it and acknowleging it and that is huge! Don't hate yourself for it. I'm here if you want to talk

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  27. I have so been there. In fact, I could have written that post.

    As long as you recognize it... with your attitude, you are on a good path. You've got this...

    Whatever IT is. :)

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  28. Hang in there Boo Boo it'll get better. Smile. That always helps.

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  29. hey get your sweet ass back in the fold...

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  30. I relate to the concept of the "same shit different day" stuff. I don't have the answer but like others have said, you recognize that quality in yourself. So, that's something of a start. For me, being more self aware of my actions is somewhat helpful. Hugs chick. We all think you rock.

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