Oh my, this has been such an eye opening week for me. I pray (well not really pray) that I can take all of this stuff and learn from it for once in my life. Take the good and the bad and actually do something with it. Like really do something, not just say I am going to and then do the same shit over and over again making excuse after excuse. I am 40 for god sake and it is TIME!!!!! How many times have you heard me say that now?
I think I have been bullshitting my self over the last 2 years. I tell myself that I have changed for the better and am really trying to be a better person, but in reality, nothing has changed for me deep down. I still have my old “evil’ ways rearing their ugly heads every time I let my guard down. I can’t seem to hold on to or adhere to any form of boundary.
I am not going to go into details here, but shit has happened. I followed one of my old patterns and it ended up the same way that it has ended every time before. Innocent people have been affected and as always, I am left standing here knowing that I caused some of it. I have once again, allowed my selfishness and I “want” therefore; I shall “have” attitude take control of me even though I knew it was wrong.
Really, I am sick of hurting too. I want more for me! ME!!!! Not my daughter, but ME!!!! She will reap the benefits in the long run. I am sick of hating me!
I am not going to lie. I don’t even know where to start. I have acknowledged all of this before and I am AWARE of what I do. I read and journal and have been in and out of therapy many times in my life and yet here I still am doing the same shit time and time again!