I was reading Mommasunshine the other day and she mentioned a quote from a book that she is reading called “A Return to Love”. The quote hit me too and so I went online and bought the audio book. I am about one third of the way through it and am amazed at how much this book is hitting on some very core issues with me.
The first one and the most profound one that hit me is that “I choose unavailable men”. I am looking back over the years at all of the men that I have “dated or been involved with” and I see now that ALL of them have been unavailable to ME in some way. Seriously, this is HUGE for me to realize. It takes some of the fear that “I suck at relationships” out of how I think. Let me explain... If they are unavailable, how could I have had a healthy, mutual relationship with them? So, I may not suck as bad as I thought I did at relationships after all. At least that is how I am going to forgive myself for the crappy relationships that I have had and start moving forward. I need to look more into why I pick unavailable men and what that says about me. I must be unavailable or undeserving. Now, this makes sense to me. It is disturbing, but makes a ton of sense.
At least now I have something closer to the truth to work on fixing and I can stop saying that I suck at relationships. I haven’t given anyone or myself a chance because I am somehow unavailable and choosing people from that place of fear.
So, looking back at the last 4 guys in my life, this is what I see.
Guy #1- Liked me but did not want to date someone with a child. NOW I wouldn’t give him a second look, but at the time, I feel like I may have been desperate to just have someone like me and want to hang out. My thoughts were that I could make him like me so much that he would have no choice but to love my daughter. NOW, I see that he was never going to really date me and I had some sort of comfort in that.
Guy #2-This is my STBX. I have known him for years and have known that he is emotionally unavailable. I knew this and yet I thought that I was different and that he would magically open up to me because, well, I am me. He loved my daughter and he wanted to take care of us. NOW I see that he was unavailable to me emotionally and I found some weird sense of comfort in that. When it was happening I was miserable and wanted that connection, or did I really. I may have just liked the fact that it was any easy excuse to get out when things got tough.
Guy #3- This guy had a girlfriend. (PLEASE DON’T HATE ME I ALREADY DO ENOUGH OF THAT FOR MYSELF) I knew from the beginning that this wouldn’t work and that I would hate myself more for getting involved in it and yet, he treated me like a queen and said and did all of the right stuff. He left his girlfriend and I started the sabotage game right away. NOW I see that I liked him when someone else had him and I had to compete, but when he gave me his all, I wanted to make him hate me. Guess who he is back with?
Guy #4- This is the guy that I alluded to in my post the other day. Here is the deal and what this book made me see in myself. He is unavailable right now. He is working through some serious life issues right now and doesn’t want to go into a relationship with that baggage. He really likes me and wants more than a rebound or a feel better fix. He wants to wait, get to know each other first while he is sorting things out and then see what could happen between us. This is great to me and very healthy on his part. He has a heart of gold and I know that when he gives his love to someone, it is real and deep. When he gets healthy, he is the kind of man that any woman would kill to have love her. He is true and real and caring.
But... am I attracted to knowing that someday we could be great, or am I attracted to the fact that he is unavailable right now? I know that with him, I have that same uncomfortable “I want more because he isn’t giving it freely” feeling that I have in all of my past relationships. This feeling is the common denominator in all of my relationships that has made me feel like “I really do like this guy”. Gawd that is sick!
I know that I want the real thing. I know that sharing the real me with someone and having them stick is something that I really do want. I want deep, soul touching and forever. Something inside me is telling me that I don’t deserve that though.
I do know that figuring this out is one step closer to getting that real thing.