Wednesday, January 12, 2011

I must be on the right track if I am loved as much as a monkey. Right?

It has been so overwhelming to me that I have so far to go and so much to work on in this journey to get healthy. I think I have said 1000bazillionand3 times that I don’t even know where to start because I am so screwed up. For every realization that I have, 50 things surrounding it pop up. I realized today that if I look at it like that, I will never be able to start or move forward with it. It is way too much for me to put my hands around. It is way too much for my brain to grasp. I have actually made myself sick thinking about where to start, to go next and then where to go from there. I get dizzy when I have an aha moment because it leads to more and more realizations.


So, I have realized that I have been going about this “fix me” shit all wrong. I need to start living in the now, for this moment since really, it is all I can control. I just realized that I can’t fix everything that I did wrong in the past and I can’t worry about what I can’t control in the future. All I can do is live my life right this second and deal with issues and situations as they arise. I can do some preparation work so that I keep my eyes open to things. I can take things in little pieces and work on them when they happen.

Here are some small things that happen daily that I am getting a grasp on:

I realized that I think about what is going to happen in the future so much, that I become disappointed when it doesn’t happen as I thought or hoped should. So now when a thought pops into my head that doesn’t deal with right now, I try to bring myself back to this minute.

I never knew how judgmental and negative I was until I became more aware of my thoughts. I catch myself judging and going to the negative about all kinds of people and things including myself. Now though, when I catch myself, I stop, tell myself that I am being judgmental or negative and change my thought process about what ever it was. This is not easy because it is completely reprogramming my brain on something that I didn’t even realize I did so much but I am seeing it now and working on reprogramming my thinking process.

I care so much what other people think that sometimes it controls me. Last night my daughter was acting up in public and I got angry with how I “thought” other people were thinking of my parenting ability. When I got in my car and realized how upset I was and took a deep breath. I realized that I KNOW THAT I AM A GOOD MOM. I know my daughter is loving, funny and smart, AND... I know that she is three. We had a trying rest of the evening too, but I handled it better than normal and we went to bed with a huge kiss, hug and “mommy I love you sooooooooo much like a monkey”

I am on the right track. I may derail a lot on my travels, but I am on the right track!

26 comments:

  1. Well... when you realized that your little girl was just being a little girl, did you hug her and tell her you love her?

    Being loved like a monkey is a good thing, I am thinking...

    There is a lyric to a Jimi Hendrix song that struck a chord with me years ago... it's in the song, 'If 6 Were 9'... and it says something along the lines of...

    '... I'm the one that has to die when it's time for me to die...'
    There's also an Native American saying that goes something like this...

    'Don't let yesterday use up too much of today..' Cherokee...

    'What is past and cannot be prevented should not be grieved for...' Pawnee...

    When Life starts to become overwhelming for me, I start to try to break it down into manageable pieces... and as you saw above, we can do it.

    You are doing great!!!

    *huggles*

    ~shoes~

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  2. I use to worry about what people think about me. But I have learned that no matter what you do some people are going to think bad about you. Now I say fuck em. There are only a few people who's opinion I care about.

    Reflect on your present blessings, of which every man has many; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.
    Charles Dickens (1812 - 1870)

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  3. Exactly. That is soooooo awesome, Love Monkey! :)

    You're doing great. Very inspiring to me!

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  4. You definitely sound like you're on the right track. And thanks for the reminder on being present in the moment - that's one we can all benefit from!

    In terms of judgment and negativity - try to catch yourself when it's directed at you too! For example, instead of saying, "I am so screwed up" say, "I'm working stuff out and on a journey to be more the person I want to be." I think it's really important to speak kindly to yourself. Always.

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  5. I love me some monkey love... you have any to spare?


    Like I have told you... live life and let what may be...

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  6. You ARE right on track!

    Monkey love - heh. You know I know ALL about that! ;)

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  7. "I don’t even know where to start because I am so screwed up' - I've said this before. This negative self talk never helps. Ever. Please stop that..:-)

    You have made some very dramatic realizations and that puts you in the top 5% of all humanity. Start there and take it one step at a time.

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  8. Danielle . . . Well then, I think you've made a lot of progress! Realizations bring questions, expectations of outcomes will bring disappointment, being present in the moment is something to strive for, negative thoughts can rule our consciousness, but that can be reprogrammed . . . Do you realize how many people have no inkling of even one of those? And yet you've figured that much out, which is significant. . . From your words, you want to change and get better, and you will! It's a slow process, but you'll progress a little bit every day, even when you may think it's not happening . . . You're on the path to a better life, a better consciousness! Stay with it my friend, and you'll never be sorry . . . Ciao!

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  9. Being loved like a monkey is what everybody hopes for. You're daughter knows that you're a GREAT mom and I'm thinkin' that equals a GREAT person!

    Keep movin' forward, girl - you're amazing!

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  10. One negative thought leads to a ten thousand...its is amazing how quickly it happens too!

    I love what nitebyrd said. Sums it up wonderfully!

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  11. Awwww, kids say the cutest things and sometimes, they have impeccable timing! ((hugs))

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  12. Every realization that you have is your major subject to fix or modify---the 50 hangers on things for each realization will be automatically fixed by you modifying the major problem.
    People who live in the past and the future, usually stuff up the present only because they are not living todays life.
    You know what has gone wrong in the past---draw a line now, dont try to fix what has happened, just try not to do it again
    Oh, well played Mummy

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  13. You are a great mom! And, how could you not be flattered by monkey love? (Does that sound a little bit creepy?) Here's to lots of monkey love in 2011!

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  14. Stay on that track, Danielle!!!

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  15. Of course you are a great mom and a great person! I never had a doubt.

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  16. Well come on! A monkey! It doesn't get any better than that!
    Here's my opinion (even though you didn't ask for it!) you are so hard on yourself. Stop that. Just take a deep breath, step back, and realize you are worthy and worth it. I know it sounds like a bunch of psychoanalytical babble, but seriously, just love yourself! You are terrific. Stuff happened in the past. You made mistakes. Now forgive yourself. And love yourself. Do you know how few people even dare travel the journey you are on? It's remarkable that you are doing this, and doing it so publicly.
    My heart aches for you because I don't even know you and even I see how terrific you are. I want you to see it SO BADLY.

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  17. When you figure out how to live in the moment... let me know! lol. That is a very hard thing to do, but we can get so wrapped up on fixing, analying the past, trying to predict the future that we forget the now and to acutally live our life as it's happening.

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  18. Awareness is so rare--how many people do you know that are just drifting through life doing "what comes next?" However, awareness is incredibly painful...and the first step to a vivid life. I'm reminded of the movie The Matrix--remember when Neo wakes up...being awake is uncomfortable and frightening and hurts like hell. But oh, so worth it. xox

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  19. there is a tough medium in between living in the moment and determining your future. It isn't all that mind bending but it does take some thought. I think many women worry about what strangers think of their parenting ability but every time I am in Wal-Mart I decide most people couldn't give a shit what other think because their kids act like cave dwellers and they evidently don't care. So if you even considered your ability as a parent you beat the hell out of everyone at Wal-Mart.

    I think tat most people over think things. They read books and watch Opera and trickle urine on themselves while crying, eating ice cream, overdosing on Skittles and stuffing grits down their neck to see what matters and what is true. Most of your decisions depend on intent. Well intent and your expected or desired outcome. Hell if you want to know what to do just ask, it works for everyone else it should work for you.

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  20. I think you are being way to hard on yourself.

    I agree that you should focus on living in the moment. But at the same time, without taking a look at the past and asking yourself about your hopes for the future, how do you expect to improve ?

    You are doing great, when you notice all of these things that you want to change, you are on the right track. It's when you think you have all the answers that is a sign that you have no interest in improving yourself.

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  21. I love that you are finally ready to live in the moment. You have to. It's all we have. And I'm so excited to watch you grow. You amaze me.

    Big hugs!

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  22. there you go I couldn't have said it better!xoxoox

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