Wednesday, January 12, 2011
I must be on the right track if I am loved as much as a monkey. Right?
So, I have realized that I have been going about this “fix me” shit all wrong. I need to start living in the now, for this moment since really, it is all I can control. I just realized that I can’t fix everything that I did wrong in the past and I can’t worry about what I can’t control in the future. All I can do is live my life right this second and deal with issues and situations as they arise. I can do some preparation work so that I keep my eyes open to things. I can take things in little pieces and work on them when they happen.
Here are some small things that happen daily that I am getting a grasp on:
I realized that I think about what is going to happen in the future so much, that I become disappointed when it doesn’t happen as I thought or hoped should. So now when a thought pops into my head that doesn’t deal with right now, I try to bring myself back to this minute.
I never knew how judgmental and negative I was until I became more aware of my thoughts. I catch myself judging and going to the negative about all kinds of people and things including myself. Now though, when I catch myself, I stop, tell myself that I am being judgmental or negative and change my thought process about what ever it was. This is not easy because it is completely reprogramming my brain on something that I didn’t even realize I did so much but I am seeing it now and working on reprogramming my thinking process.
I care so much what other people think that sometimes it controls me. Last night my daughter was acting up in public and I got angry with how I “thought” other people were thinking of my parenting ability. When I got in my car and realized how upset I was and took a deep breath. I realized that I KNOW THAT I AM A GOOD MOM. I know my daughter is loving, funny and smart, AND... I know that she is three. We had a trying rest of the evening too, but I handled it better than normal and we went to bed with a huge kiss, hug and “mommy I love you sooooooooo much like a monkey”
I am on the right track. I may derail a lot on my travels, but I am on the right track!