Well it has been about a month since I last posted and I am loosing followers by the day. I am at a major crossroads in my life right now and not sure that blogging is helping me anymore. I don’t want to be a downer every time I log in so I have just chosen to not post. If you have nothing good to say, don’t say anything at all. So I have gone silent.
I can’t bring myself to posting about my life. Every time something good comes along, I ruin it. It is like I don’t want to or feel like I am worthy of being happy. I can’t fix it either. I try. I know what I do and yet when I act, I destroy. It never fails. I open my mouth and I sabotage everything good.
So for now, I am still reading and commenting if I can but I am not posting until I see some light.
FWIW, I really got the most out of blogging when I posted during my darkest times. I can't tell you how much comfort it brought to read thoughtful comments and receive virtual hugs. If you feel like it's too personal to put here, then you might want to consider starting an anonymous blog and simply emailing those you trust where to find you.
ReplyDeleteAnd please please please, feel free to email me anytime. I am here for you and sending you BIG (((hugs))))
I truly feel for you, I wish I understood more about what your dealing with so I could provide better advice.
ReplyDeleteYou deserve the best, no matter what you do make sure to take care of yourself first, then you will be able to help others.
For what it's forth, I miss you :(
*hugs*
ReplyDeleteHang in there, Sugar.
xoxo
~vk~
sending hugs.....
ReplyDeleteMiss ya, hope everything starts getting better. If there is anything I can help with, let me know, you know where to find me.
ReplyDeleteHang in there cutie... you have noticed that you ARE at a "crossroads"... acknowledge that.
ReplyDelete"Crossroads" are important!!
I totally understand where you are...
*huggles*
~shoes~
April said it well. If you read some of my earlier posts, they were real stinkers. Personally, I look at my blog as a virtual journal that other people can read (I don't let family know about it though.)
ReplyDeleteEven if you don't want to rant, maybe take a very specific thought or feeling you're having, learn something about it through research or introspection, and write about it. Write about what you think about that feeling or thought. What does it do to you? How does it affect your day? If it's negative, what might you do to reduce the effects? I find doing that helps me get out of my 'downer' thought patterns.
And some more food for thought... by the time I got around to writing this too-long comment, you'd already had 6 encouraging comments. Your blog seems like a good place to get more when you need it.
Anyway, all in my humble opinion. It's your blog. You do what you want with it!
Sounds like you're going through some tough times. I'll be praying for you.
I agree, too, with April-and blogging about and being open with people during the worst, hardest times has always helped, if for no other reason than knowing that there are people out there. We are never alone, no matter what.
ReplyDeleteAnd hey, stop with the self-pity "I fuck everything up" crap. You don't. You are aware that you have things you need to work on, you are taking steps TO work on them, and you can't expect perfection overnight. Any positive change takes time and effort and steps back and more time and effort. So be GENTLE with yourself, sweetie, don't beat yourself up. We are here for you, and I can almost 100% guarantee that no matter what you have been going through, one of us will have had a similar experience. Knowing that gets me through when I get on my own pity-pot, which I do quite well, quite often. I send hugs.
And clearly I have not figured out how to use that funny little fileter thing between my BRAIN and my MOUTH. After the fact I realized how harsh that comment sounded, but I didn't MEAN it that way. I meant that hey, you are not perfect, so what? We none of us are, and the fact that you keep on keepin' on makes me think you are a LOT stronger and better than you give yourself credit for.
ReplyDeleteKori- I loved what you said. If I had you email address I would have thanked you.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone. I needed this so much. Maybe a little slap to turn my frame of mind around. You all rock!
Maybe you should take a closer look at what "good" is and then decide whether or not it is YOU who "ruins" it.
ReplyDeleteKnowing you personally I disagree that what you wrote here is actually the case. But at the end of the day if you cant open your mouth and be true to yourself while you're at it, what's to miss?
Just growing pains, sweets. Wine night soon, mmkay?
Your silence for me is never good.
ReplyDeleteI understand about the posting and there are times when I just run dry, although now the same as you mean, I still get it. I wouldn’t worry about the followers because if they leave then that was meant to be and that friendship comes into question. I hope mine never will, for I will be here for you as long as you like me too….
and you better believe that sweetheart..
Danielle.....I wrote nothing in September. Well, nothing I posted. Actually I brutally smashed keys with acusations and hideous fears and sheer panic....but publish? No. People can be hurt here. Destroyed. Words are, despite apologies, permanent. I am horrified at some of the venting tantrums I read that shred spouses or ridicule family, or gut oneself. Mostly because I have at times been on the receiving end. It doesn't fade.
ReplyDeleteI respect a great deal you opting for silence.
However. I've recently been thinking much about grace. How easily I give it...and yet I rake myself over flaming coals that would have cooled long ago except for my tedious attention. The cycle within my mind turns blame into a tornado of self-hatred. Breathe. Walk. Sit on the floor in the middle of the room and count the beautiful. To think you are above mistakes is disastrous. But living inside the mistake....is cheating everyone--you, your daughter, and the ones that love you.
Today is tomorrow's yesterday. And "yesterday" is over.
I've missed you.
You really can't be this hard on yourself.
ReplyDeleteYou are what you think about the most, if you want to change anything about yourself you must first change the way you think about yourself.
Your post included so many negative self-views, "I ruin it", "I can't fix it", "I destroy", "I sabotage everything".
You will find the peace you are looking for.
I don't know what you're going through, but I am at a crossroads in my life too. I would hate to see you stop posting, and I love it when you stop by and comment.
ReplyDeleteJust message me on FB if you ever want to talk or need a listening ear.
Don't beat yourself up. We all have times when we screw up or disappoint ourselves or just feel completely fed up with the way things are. It will pass and things will get better for you, and you'll feel so much better in yourself.
ReplyDeleteKeep your chin up and keep on going.
T
x
I sort of understand you... everytime I talk about something, I seem to jinx it. But there is a reason why we need to talk about things. And you shouldn't measure your success by the number of followers or feel they are leaving because of what you say. You can't please everyone, but you should do what pleases you.
ReplyDeleteI second what Mindy said.
ReplyDeleteI KNOW you have a much clearer state of mind these days. What you're seeing, more than likely, is that the people who knew you from before are falling away. Or perhaps you're still thinking that you're who you were before and attracting those type of people, only to find that the fit isn't there.
It absolutely is growing pains. Things are shifting... in a very good way. Hang in there and be around people who understand.
Like us here in blog land! :)
"Or perhaps you're still thinking that you're who you were before and attracting those type of people, only to find that the fit isn't there."
ReplyDeleteEXACTLY what I meant. (thanks, T) It's HARD to break relationship patterns - and most of the time we pick people because of who WE are or subconciously think we deserve, not because of who THEY are. And until we change ourselves it will always end the same. I know this, you know this, but it doesn't mean it stops us from repeating our patterns.
We all have those times when no light seems to be shining on us. As a frequent visitor to the abyss, I know of where I speak.
ReplyDeleteFirst, stop being so damn hard on yourself. Perhaps it's not you but only the circumstances. Change from the usual and you'll find a difference.
Second, take inventory of what is good with you and your life. There's probably more good than you know.
Third, realize you have friends. Whether "RL" or cyber, people care about you.
These things might be trite but I mean every word. You're one of the "good ones", girl!
Lastly, SNAP OUT OF IT! ;)
(((HUGS)))
I'll slap your ass.
ReplyDeleteWhat?
That wasn't what you meant? teeeheeee
You're in the slump a lot of the rest of us are in as far as blogging goes. Maybe its the time of year...maybe its the weight you have around your neck right now...maybe facebook is more fun...what?! I'm just throwing stuff out *grin*
I don't have any great pep talks or advice to give. I CAN offer you a glass...er..scratch that...BOTTLE (I have several) of wine and a good bitching session and then I PROMISE to make you laugh til you pee. I do A LOT of stupid shit.
*cheers*
Hang in there girl! You're gonna be okay.
ReplyDeleteIt will come honey..this part is the hard part but I tell you...you will find what you are looking for because your to beautiful of a person not to...sometimes it takes failure to be successful...until then I am always avaliable to you...you know that...Don't be so hard on yourself...
ReplyDeleteHead up, tits out and big girl panties pulled up tight. It'll be alright. YOU will be alright.
ReplyDeleteNo doubt. Lots of good comments here. Think about them.
BP
I think you should do what feels right, and if you don't feel right about blogging right now, don't. I agree that silence is better than blah (or at least if you think what you would write is blah, I am sure we wouldn't think so, lol),
ReplyDeleteI also miss your posts, but I want you to find yourself and be happy more!
I will never not follow someone just because they are not entertaining me on a daily basis. Ones that do are not your "true" followers who really care about you:)
I understand what you're saying. I take week and 2 week breaks, too, when I feel I don't want to bare my life that much.
ReplyDeleteI just think about that.
You are free to post anything you want, it's your blog. But,I'm much like you" I'd rather not.
Don't feel any pressure to write...but you are missed. :-) Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. We'll be here when you're ready to come back.
ReplyDelete**hugs**
Danielle,
ReplyDeleteI have been meaning to reach out to you. I know that you dropped off the face of the earth for a bit. If you ever want to simply vent, you know how to reach me.
I, too, have these moments where I just want to play ostrich, stick my head in the sand and hide. Life can be so overwhelming. Just know that you are not alone. So many people care about you and are rooting for you. (Like me!)
We'll be here...when you are ready.
Big hugs.
Hey there! I just stumbled upon your blog and I wanted to let you know how much I LOVE it!! great posts! I will be back for more!
ReplyDeleteits tough! I am not blogging like I was, and yet in moments I must! it is the only thing that brings peace! follow your heart and schedule...!!!
ReplyDelete