Wednesday, April 6, 2011

I don't want to suck at this anymore!!!!!!!!!!!

Relationships are and always have been a difficult thing for me. My parents didn’t give me anything healthy to go by that is for sure. Over the years, I have picked a lot of guys that would give me the same kind of dysfunctional relationship that I was used to and was represented to me as a child. I guess I have formed a very unhealthy pattern over the years that I want to break but am having a difficult time doing so.

It seems like over the last 10 years, I have gone after the newness and when that is gone, I move on or create conflict so that the other person will do the moving on and I don’t have to take the blame.

However, I am older and wiser and know that I want so much more. I have found a man that can and does give me the health that I want and need from a relationship.

And yet…

Here I am trying to ruin it.

Things are not bad yet, however it seems like I am trying hard to make them go that way. My man is kind and shows me every day how much he loves me and somehow, I find something wrong, something to create a fight over. He truly is a man/gentleman in every sense of the word. He has morals and values and passions and shows me that I am important to him. I know how lucky I am and I don’t want to ruin it, so what in my brain causes me to destroy good things? Don’t I think I deserve to be happy? This is killing me and could possibly kill my relationship if I don’t get a grip. I have to figure this out before I destroy something that could be, actually is great.

I have done a ton of personal work over the last few years, and in some areas of my life it shows tremendously. In this area, a very important area to me, it seems I am REALLY struggling. I haven’t felt this way or respected someone this much for as long as I can remember. He makes me want to be a better person and not only that, but he tells me every day that I am a good person and that I am lovable. Why can’t I believe it and let it be?


  1. I wish I had good advice or life experience on this, but I do not.

    I feel for you however, I suggest keeping your focus on the big things and letting the little stuff go.

    I wish you the best

  2. Ah, since I regularly indulge in self-sabotage, I am not going to give advice OTHER than to keep working on what you need to work on. If he is half the guy you think/believe he is, then he will accept that you are fucked up, that you are working on making changes, and love you all the more for it.

  3. I think my man has some of the same beliefs as what you mention here. He doesn't feel lovable either. And as hard as I try, I cannot convince him of it.

    YOU have to determine that you are lovable. Maybe that means pursuing your own passions so that you are not thinking so much. Maybe that means finding the awareness of something good every time you want to make something bad.

    I also love Kori's comment. :)

    Have faith that he will love you but you have to do the work.

    (And believe me, that's something I need to remember too!)

  4. I think it's because you've been hurt before, and your defense mechanisms are still all set on "repel invaders," lol. Relax . . . enjoy your life . . . let him be nice to you, and take care of you a little . . . and stop picking at yourself. You really are a very nice person, and he knows that, or he would have bolted long ago. Time for you to let yourself be happy.


  5. hmmm... give me some time on this please..

  6. Oh Danielle. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way!!

  7. I agree with Jim. Also, you've already realized all of this, since you are writing it. In my opinion, it's an eye opener in itself. Don't be too hard on yourself and on him. :)

  8. I'm with Jim. When we feel damaged or our defense mechanisms go up we make ourselves feel unlovable. Sounds like you've found an amazing guy, let him love you... <3

  9. I am not going to analyze why you feel this way, I don't know your history or your experiences. But I am going to recommend you take a course of action.

    I want to encourage you to find a woman who has achieved the relationship success that you long for. An older woman who can act as a mentor to you, can hold you accountable and help you understand more about yourself.

    When you find that person ask her if she will do that for you. Explain to her why she was chosen and what you would like her to do for you.

    You have achieved the greatest victory by recognizing there is a problem, the easier part is fixing it if you are willing to put forth the effort, make yourself vulnerable and be willing to look at things from another perspective.

  10. I am in the same boat as you ! The only reason I am not struggling with theses issues right now is because I am not dating anyone.

    Take it day by day and listen to your heart and intuition.

  11. Happy you found someone. Even though you did work on yourself the true battlefield is a relationship which will push you. No matter how much you may hate the way you do things it has served a purpose up to this point. Remember and visualize how things will be with it gone, but their will be a lot of work pulling your fingers off of it. It's an old friend that you will grieve over it's loss. Besides the fact that this new place while you wish for it will be very uncomfortable until you get use to it. Good luck.

  12. Ha ha ha---you are older and wiser---ha ha ha
    This relationship gives you the health that you want---it is not a disease---it is a lifestyle.
    Relationships are like comfort zones---you have to learn to live in them but you have to build on them.
    You can't be frightened of it and you can't accept that it wont grow---don't try to protect it--live it---you are part of it---make sure that you have plenty of input into it

  13. You know what I think you should do?
    Tell him this very thing you posted on here.
    I bet not only would he LOVE to hear it, he just may have the cure in his heart for you!
    He sound like a wonderful man, let him know whats happening in your head.

  14. OK Danielle, I'm going to shoot from the hip . . . You've identified the negative behavior in question, and according to you, you're sick of it . . . So, simply change the behavior . . . There are alcoholics and addicts who become so sick and tired of their own destructive behavior, that they decide that's enough . . . And in a sense you're addicted to this behavior . . . So, call upon your strength of character to make a positive change . . . You'll have to overcome some demons in the process, like your inclination to continue to indulge in the behavior simply out of sheer habit . . . But, you can nip it in the bud as it rears its ugly head . . . And each time you do it, it's a bit easier the next time and a new habit is formed . . . I know you understand me! You're stronger than you know . . . And we don't become stronger by using the strength we've used over and over, we become stronger by FINDING the strength we haven't accessed before . . . We ALL have that untapped reserve of strength . . . So Danielle, find that strength and draw upon it . . . No excuses! If you want it badly enough, you'll make it happen . . . :)

  15. What Ken said. Let him know that it's YOU and not him, and that you're wanting this to work.

    Honesty is the best policy.

  16. So why do you want to change yourself---why cant you just accept who you are and live with it ?----
    If you keep trying to put up a false front, then you are living a lie.
    But what you have to do is allow others to be who they are and accept them for it.
    This isea of "I'll change or I'll change them" just doesn't work.
    You just have to work out a way of living with or accepting someone or somethink who is not your clone, not your obedient servant, will have a diferring point of view.
    It doesn't have to be a fight--more a compromise, an acceptance, a tollerance.
    It is not as though you are an alien---although, to men, most women are kind of aliens--they breath diferent air---they tend to make their point of view known (which is as it should be) but then they nag because it is not your point of view----the fight is never over.
    You don't have to run everytime you dont win---learn from it ---- dont make radical changes---find middle ground.
    Sure, make changes--spend more time with your beautiful babe, find a job, give yourself purpose, don't blog, do blog but whatever, have a life---share your life---dont let your life revolve around one thing---a bit for your job, a lot for your daughter, some for your friends, some for yourself, maybe some for a special friend and maybe a tiny bit for blogging.
    Play nice and learn to share
    And where are my photos ?