Monday, May 4, 2009

The explanation

I have to explain my marriage with hopes that if Toots remembers someday it will make sense to her.

After Toots was born, I had an inner strength like no other, but my insecurities when it came to men grew bigger than before. Everything changes when it comes to dating as any single mom knows. There are two of us now for better or worse. It has to be good for her before I can proceed. From the little experience I had, I really believed that no man wanted a women with a kid for anything but a fling.

So for my first 6 months as a mommy, dating was scarce. It did happen a few times, but nothing to write home about. But around the 10 month mark I met a guy that I was very attracted to. When I told him that I had a baby he said that he had never dated someone with a child and wasn't sure that he could. We did talk the rest of the night but with NO expectations based on his views of my being a mommy. It was a shame because I liked all the rest. Well, apparently he liked me too. He asked me out with the understanding that he didn't want to "date" a mommy, and I couldn't "date" someone who felt that way. This non-dating went on for a few months. I really thought that I would win him over and he would fall in love with me and decide that he could like the idea of my precious daughter. Yep, as you guessed it, that didn't happen and we decided to stop "not-dating"

Well, I was OK with the idea that I would be manless. I have my daughter and she more than fulfils me.

Then, a man at my work and I started flirting. Both single and both raising our daughters alone. His 16yo and my 1yo. He didn't even want to go out with me unless Toots was with me. He LOVED her. My parents know and love him. He is well respected in his career. He wanted to take care of us and treated me like a queen. I jumped at the thought that we could be a family after my last run in with someone that didn't even want to meet my baby. I am guessing that my insecurities played a big part of my moving in after 2 months of dating and then getting married after 3 months. Umm ya think?????

So my husband wanted another baby, hounded me about it. Asked me to go off birth control. My mother was ecstatic at the thought of another grand baby. He also said that if we went to the JOP to get married so that he could put me on his insurance, we would have a real wedding on a vacation soon after. He was a work alcoholic but he said that he needed to mellow that out and that me being around would help it. I will go into the "in between" here soon, but he changed his mind on it all about 5 months later.

So much for doing what is best for my daughter. As usual with my decisions in life, I chose poorly. Well, let me take that back since we are still married and working on getting back to the place we started. It is not all his fault for changing his mind. I haven't been a peach through it all. There is soooo much to talk about that I am not sure my space on this blog can hold it. I will however from here on out try to write my frustrations out and hope that it will help me and my daughter understand this part of our lives. My hope is to look back on this some day and say that it was a part of marriage and you just have to work hard to make things last and that our hard work paid off. I am not a quitter and my beliefs in marriage are enough to make me want to be "til death do us part". I just hope it is old age that is the death part. :) Maybe it will teach her what not to do as well as that life is hard work but can be rewarding if you keep trudging along with a good outlook on where you want to go. If not, she is still young and may not remember. :)

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