So, now that I know that I am not going to have another baby, a sibling for my child, my heart breaks a little. I was an only child and I DON"T want my child to turn out like I did. Selfish, controlling and insecure. I worry about how to make my child not be something I am when all she sees is how I am.
The first time my husband and I got in a fight, she cried. Now she goes on about her business and doesn't even flinch. This thought horrifies me. I am sure I am scarring her for life and making her think that raised voices, tears and anger are ok.
My husband says I nag. I agree with that and am trying to take responsibility for my actions. I am a Virgo, which means that I am a perfectionist and that everything has to be in it's place. My husband is a filthy pig. He and his daughter lived in complete disgust before I moved in. I told him in the beginning that I couldn't and wouldn't live that way. He wanted me to move in so badly that he painted the whole house, re carpeted and thoroughly cleaned the whole place. He said that spending the money to do all of this would make him try to keep it clean and nice. Yeah, no such luck. He had never vacuumed, cleaned his bathroom or changed the sheets on his bed before me. Seriously, I was afraid to sit down or touch anything. So, now that I live there, I refuse to have my 2 year old child living in a filthy house and I nag at him to just pick up after himself. I do EVERY thing else and don't mind. I actually like to do laundry. I know weird. Lately, I have tried a new thing. If he or his daughter leave food wrappers laying around, I leave them there. If there are 15 pairs of shoes by the door, I leave them there. If his daughter does her laundry and doesn't take it out of the dryer, I leave it there. If there are pistachio seeds all over the house, I leave them there and make sure I watch my daughter all of the time. I haven't been saying a word. Well, guess what? They stay there for weeks/ months or until I freak out and pick them up. So after a while of this, do I nag. YES I DO.
I have literally walked in on my baby playing with an "unloaded gun" before. I was so mad and scared that I literally started crying. My husband was mad that I was pissed because it wasn't loaded. Are you freaking kidding me? He doesn't think about leaving shit all over the place.
My husband is the most negative person you will ever meet. He hates all adult people. He loves kids thank god. Point in case:
When we got married we went to the JOP. He promised that we would have a wedding somewhere or at least a vacation with the "I do's". We started having some problems and I suggested that we take a vacation/honeymoon and relax alone. Well you would have thought I kneed him in the growing because I didn't include his 16 year old daughter. So I then looked for travel arrangements for 4. He, his daughter, her boyfriend and I. Mind you, leaving my daughter with my mom as to it would be too hard to chase a 2 year old around. Hmmmm.
So I found really great rates on a 7 day western Caribbean cruise. He told me to book em. I did. Now he is not the kind of man to wear suites and such, so when he found out that the have dinning dress codes he flipped out. Since then, he has wanted to cancel the cruise. Daily, I hear how much we are spending on this f-ing vacation and how pissed he is. His daughter and her boyfriends, which mind you are not paying for anything are pissed at me also because this is not what they would have chosen for a vacation. So this is what I am nagging about with this situation.
1) We never even go to dinner alone and if I am going to leave my daughter behind, couldn't he. Then we could take a family vacation also.
2) What is so hard about throwing on a casual shirt for 1 night? and if not, I have no problem eating at the buffet the whole time. Why cuss and throw a fit over it?
3) When 2 teenagers feel so entitled that they can bitch about going on a 7 day, paid for vacation, something is wrong. Note to 17 yo boyfriend: You are an ungrateful punk.
4) Why am I being blamed for planning a vacation? I wasn't the one to promise the world in the beginning and say "book em" on my own.
5) How can anyone be miserable about going to tropical destinations? I just don't understand.
I can go on for days here but I am getting in a bad mood and I don't want to have another bad night at home, in front of my baby.
So, do I nag? YES