Friday, May 1, 2009

My greatest fear

So before I had a baby, I didn't really fear anything. I could walk down an ally and not worry. I could get sick and not care. I could drive like a crazy person and ride a Harley. Party like a rock star and do stupid things. Live alone. I truly had no fear. If I died, I died.

I am one of those people that has never seen my future. I can't picture something unless I can feel, and see it. I can't imagine what a house will look like before it is built or see myself old and grey with the same man. So I couldn't fathom that I was really having a baby until I could hold her. Since I couldn't imagine what it would be like, I was afraid it wouldn't happen. I couldn't picture it, so maybe it wasn't going to be.

When I was pregnant, I lived on the Internet and googled everything about a healthy pregnancy and having a healthy child. I started wearing a seat belt every time I drove. I had anxiety about having a miscarriage or having a stillbirth. What if I died when she was born and never got to see her? I drove people crazy with my "what if's". Especially my Doctor.

When she was born, I did all of the things you do to keep SIDS away. I even took her out of a daycare when I walked in and she had a blanket in the crib with her. I lied awake for the first couple of weeks worried that she would stop breathing. My mom stayed with me the first few nights after she was born and I remember waking her up crying that I was panicking. I know that all women probably go through this, but it was sooo strange for me.

Now, I worry that if I die, I will miss her life. That she would be scared and alone. What if she died? I would not be able to go on. I know that makes some people mad when I say that, but I would rather be with her on the other side than live in a tootless world. What if some one hurt or took her? I would be in jail. I would hunt them down and end up in jail. I know everyone that loves a child feels the same way, but it truly gives me anxiety.

Every time I look at her, I just want to squeeze her and kiss her. I am so grateful to have her and I won't except anything less than a long life with her.

I never want her to hurt or be afraid. Very unrealistic and a little psycho, but I am her life and she is mine.

Don't get me wrong, I love when she goes to bed early so that I can have MY time. She is a toddler through and through and I have moments when I want to give her to her grandmother until she is 16, but that is the joy of being a mother. The good bad and ugly of it all and to come out knowing that we will ALWAYS be mother and daughter. It relieves my anxiety and makes me smile.

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