So I realized something HUGE about me yesterday? It only took me 38 years and too many relationships to count to figure this out, but here it is.
I am not OK with me and it affects my relationship. I have a lot of issues and can't figure out how to work past them.
I had a crappy childhood and my mother and I had a lot of problems. We actually went to counseling to work on them. I now have the BEST relationship ever with her. I have forgiven what I perceived as bad about her, so why can't I do the same for ME?
My father and I just plain didn't get along because we are so much a like. When he and my mom divorced, I saw a different side to him and it just seemed easy to forgive him. We now have a decent relationship.
I don't trust! I know that this stems from when I was young, always worrying if one of my parents was cheating on the other, or if they would come home at night. These things happened a lot. Or if I would be remembered, like being sent home at 4 years old alone and no one was there for me. (Long story)
So anyway, I don't trust anything or anyone. You can't have a relationship with that issue, that is for sure. It has ruined many for me in the past.
I don't except most people for who they are. I seem to want everyone to be like me, think like me and act like me. I should clarify that. I do have some very close friends and family that have been with me through it all over a span of , some 30 years plus. So I guess that I except the people that matter to me. I don't judge people for things they do, since I am sure I have done worse, but I catch myself thinking that everyone should be as anal as me, or as fast paced as me, etc...
I have total anger issues. I thought that when I left the car business they dissipated greatly, but I find that in my current relationship and job the anger is as strong as ever. I don't have the road rage crap that I had in my younger days and I am overly polite to everyone because I believe strongly in respect for others, but I catch myself hating my relationship, my job, my body, etc.. no matter who I am with, what work I am doing or how much I work out and look good.
I have body issues like no other. Let me start by saying that in HS I was a little chunky. When I graduated, I joined a gym and became a gym rat. I was in incredible shape. Size 2, muscle and great symmetry. I had long blond hair, and a good face. I got a lot of attention, could basically date anyone I chose and I still was miserable and thought I could look better. Oh to look that way again. Now, I have matured in my look, gone brown with the hair color. I am still in shape and get a lot of compliments. I am a size 6-8 and look like I am in my early 30's and I am still soooo self conscious. What gives?? When I step outside of myself I like what I see, but I can't seem to do that enough. It's funny because I have a girlfriend that is a big girl. She is by no means fat. She is tall and athletic and just looks "big". She has some belly fat and all I see when I look at her is how beautiful she is. She is so self confident and poised. Why can't I see my flaws like I see hers? When am I going to be OK with me?
I have relationship issues. I can be so happy alone, or now with my daughter whom by the way brings out none of this. I can't get enough of her and I never get mad at her, even when I probably should. I can't figure this one out. It seems like I become controlling and angry every time I am with someone past the "new". Even if the person makes me happy. Why??
I had thought my age and having my daughter really helped me mellow out. I even had people tell me that my whole demeanor changed when Toots was born. That I seemed genuinely happy and content. I truly was happy. Then, I got married and resorted back to it all. I always said that I am just not the relationship type and so I kept that stuff to a quick fling. Get out before my crap started. I can't figure out what made me get married. I always think I can do it differently when the right one comes along, but I can't. You can't make someone else happy when you are not happy with yourself.
It seems I am never completely happy except when I am with my daughter.
I have been to counseling. I know my issues, I just don't know how to fix them. I even see the things I do when I do them but can't seem to stop it. I read the blogs on here and wish I was as confident as some of them.
Here is the deal. I don't want my daughter to have any of these issues. I want to raise her to be a confident loving respectful person, but how do I do that if all she sees is me and how I am? I give her so much love and I hope that carries her. I try to exude confidence in my outward appearance but she will see through it someday. I really need to fix me and do it before she "gets it".
I think that having her and realizing that I want her to grow up "healthy" is going to be the difference in me getting "healthy".