Wednesday, May 13, 2009


So I realized something HUGE about me yesterday? It only took me 38 years and too many relationships to count to figure this out, but here it is.

I am not OK with me and it affects my relationship. I have a lot of issues and can't figure out how to work past them.

I had a crappy childhood and my mother and I had a lot of problems. We actually went to counseling to work on them. I now have the BEST relationship ever with her. I have forgiven what I perceived as bad about her, so why can't I do the same for ME?

My father and I just plain didn't get along because we are so much a like. When he and my mom divorced, I saw a different side to him and it just seemed easy to forgive him. We now have a decent relationship.

I don't trust! I know that this stems from when I was young, always worrying if one of my parents was cheating on the other, or if they would come home at night. These things happened a lot. Or if I would be remembered, like being sent home at 4 years old alone and no one was there for me. (Long story)
So anyway, I don't trust anything or anyone. You can't have a relationship with that issue, that is for sure. It has ruined many for me in the past.

I don't except most people for who they are. I seem to want everyone to be like me, think like me and act like me. I should clarify that. I do have some very close friends and family that have been with me through it all over a span of , some 30 years plus. So I guess that I except the people that matter to me. I don't judge people for things they do, since I am sure I have done worse, but I catch myself thinking that everyone should be as anal as me, or as fast paced as me, etc...

I have total anger issues. I thought that when I left the car business they dissipated greatly, but I find that in my current relationship and job the anger is as strong as ever. I don't have the road rage crap that I had in my younger days and I am overly polite to everyone because I believe strongly in respect for others, but I catch myself hating my relationship, my job, my body, etc.. no matter who I am with, what work I am doing or how much I work out and look good.

I have body issues like no other. Let me start by saying that in HS I was a little chunky. When I graduated, I joined a gym and became a gym rat. I was in incredible shape. Size 2, muscle and great symmetry. I had long blond hair, and a good face. I got a lot of attention, could basically date anyone I chose and I still was miserable and thought I could look better. Oh to look that way again. Now, I have matured in my look, gone brown with the hair color. I am still in shape and get a lot of compliments. I am a size 6-8 and look like I am in my early 30's and I am still soooo self conscious. What gives?? When I step outside of myself I like what I see, but I can't seem to do that enough. It's funny because I have a girlfriend that is a big girl. She is by no means fat. She is tall and athletic and just looks "big". She has some belly fat and all I see when I look at her is how beautiful she is. She is so self confident and poised. Why can't I see my flaws like I see hers? When am I going to be OK with me?

I have relationship issues. I can be so happy alone, or now with my daughter whom by the way brings out none of this. I can't get enough of her and I never get mad at her, even when I probably should. I can't figure this one out. It seems like I become controlling and angry every time I am with someone past the "new". Even if the person makes me happy. Why??

I had thought my age and having my daughter really helped me mellow out. I even had people tell me that my whole demeanor changed when Toots was born. That I seemed genuinely happy and content. I truly was happy. Then, I got married and resorted back to it all. I always said that I am just not the relationship type and so I kept that stuff to a quick fling. Get out before my crap started. I can't figure out what made me get married. I always think I can do it differently when the right one comes along, but I can't. You can't make someone else happy when you are not happy with yourself.

It seems I am never completely happy except when I am with my daughter.

I have been to counseling. I know my issues, I just don't know how to fix them. I even see the things I do when I do them but can't seem to stop it. I read the blogs on here and wish I was as confident as some of them.

Here is the deal. I don't want my daughter to have any of these issues. I want to raise her to be a confident loving respectful person, but how do I do that if all she sees is me and how I am? I give her so much love and I hope that carries her. I try to exude confidence in my outward appearance but she will see through it someday. I really need to fix me and do it before she "gets it".

I think that having her and realizing that I want her to grow up "healthy" is going to be the difference in me getting "healthy".


  1. I don't think you're going to find anybody qualified to give you advice on here, so here's mine :)

    a) Let go of the past.
    b) With time you can trust.
    c) Lean on a friend. If you don't have a close friend, email me.
    d) I admire your not wanting your daughter to 'inherit' some of the things that you feel are negatives. You probably can't isolate her from everything, but maybe you can teach her to 'not do like mommy did' in certain situations.

  2. I appreciate that. I am trying and know it will take some time. It's nice to have a place to vent and people to listen.

  3. I think that most people feel similar to this in one way or another. Life is hard and rarely goes the way we thought it would. I often feel like everything is so backwards these days. We're all spread so thin it's hard to spend time on things that really matter to us. Try to not be so hard on yourself though. We're all our own worst critic, but being patient with ourselves is just as important as being patient with our family and friends. Anytime I find myself getting overly angry or start feeling negative about myself/body, I literally stop. I stop the thought and try to relax. Then I try to focus on the good things in my life and how far I've come. It's so hard to see where we are going, but we can always look back and see that we have in fact made more progress then we thought. The fact that you have your daughter is such a blessing! I think it's great she brings you so much joy and gives you a time-out from the pressures of day to day life. Let that be a starting point. Let everything you teach her be a lesson for you as well. You're still learning too, we all are. Being a real person with flaws and weaknesses isn't something to feel guilty for. It's part of being human. No one is perfect and that's ok. I think that touches on the trust issue too. There is no guarantee that someone won't disappoint us or hurt us. But putting up walls blocks out the good stuff too. The less we expect out of someone the less they can disappoint us. This is something I've been learning and it's hard. I was raised with manners and to be friendly and polite. So when I'm working with people who can't seem to grasp that, I get mad and annoyed. But it isn't my problem. Not everyone had parents like mine to teach them. We are all a sum of our experiences. Sometimes we just have to leave it at that. Sorry for going off here. LOL... I just really understand how you feel and feel the same in some ways. All we can do is take it a day at a time. :)

  4. Thanks so much for that Kellygreen. It is always nice to hear that maybe I am not unusual.

  5. Being aware is over half the battle. Being the role model for your daughter will help to take you the rest of the way.

  6. what beautiful honesty you wrote here... such a great post. this will be one to share with your little one some day, when the time is right.

    well said...

  7. You know how ppl say that everyone has a twin? I think that we might possibly be twins...

    That being said, lemme say this...WE and our lil monsters are going to be just fine. Why? Singlemommas stick together:) We all have our stories and scars about how we arrived in singlemothertown and ya know what? BFD...who cares. We made we're gonna ROCK this thing:)

  8. My Bottle's Up and Misscriss: Thanks so much for the post. It is so nice to hear that I am not alone.

  9. As Cameron said, it's totally not the place to get action oriented advice... but hopefully someone can touch you or move you through experiences they have been through that are similar to your own...

    I truly believe that if you are open to therapy which you ARE obviously and you've had success with in the past... find another one who GIVES YOU THE STEPS to do what you need to do to change it all.

    It's totally possible, and you sound like you are ready for it. Here, I"m nudging you.

    The right therapist will give you things to do each week. Homework. Accountability to come back with honest anwers to questions you really don't want to think about. Ask you to bring photos of your childhood even though you have no idea why, and then will tell you what SHE sees, and you'll go "holy shit". And then, she'll tell you how to take the first steps in changing your thinking, saying positive things over and over when your mind just screams "I DON"T TRUST YOU"... and you feel like an idiot therapy person falling to the whole bullshit thing of positive affirmations...

    But I swear, if you want to you can totally do it. Just find that right person that's determined to help someone determined to help themselves!

    Damn, and most of the time, I SWEAR I just blog around bullshit crap that means absolutely nothing.