Wednesday, June 10, 2009

When does the truth come out?

As mentioned in previous posts, I had a summer relationship/fling and ended up pregnant. The man decided to walk away from the situation and is still MIA. When my daughter was 1, I met someone and got married. My daughter calls him Daavy ie... daddy. She loves him to death and he loves her back.

So now, I wonder how this will all unfold for us as she grows and becomes aware of things. I am guessing she is going to wonder why she doesn't even closely resemble my husband when his daughter is the spitting image of him. Plus, I did not take his last name because I did not want to have different last names than my daughter. If my husband decides to adopt her, She and I will take his name at that time.

I am a huge advocate of honesty and truth and have every intention of telling her and letting her decide. I have kept all contact information on the sperm donor and his family so that I can pass it on to her if she wants it. But when and how does all of this happen?

My daughter is only 2 right now and I know that I have some time to figure this stuff out, but when and how do you tell your child that her father/sperm donor didn't want to be a part of her/our lives? When and how do I tell her that the man she thinks of as daavy is not her biological father? Do I wait until she asks me? Is there a magical age to sit her down and explain to her that her mommy screwed up and there is a man out there somewhere that is a part of her but that she does not know. Will she ever want to know since there is a man around that she calls daavy? Is she going to be mad at me?
Strange tidbit: Sperm donors name is Dave and I called him Davey. Think she knows somehow? Just a little hmmmm moment!

Any and all advice is welcome.


  1. The Davey/daddy thing is quite the irony!

    I think when she is old enough to understand she will be accepting. This is impossible advice, but try not to worry...

  2. Kathy B As always, thanks for reading and being supportive. Every little bit helps.

  3. These are all tough questions and I don't think there are any "right" answers. I think as time goes by and your life continues to unfold the answers will present themselves. Let your daughter's questions guide you to giving her the anwsers in the way she seeks them. Trust that it will all be ok and continue to be the best mom you can be.

  4. MindyMom You are right. I just need to be the best I can be and let the cards fall.

  5. Wow! Well, first off - I think it's wonderful that you found and married a man who loves your daughter as his own! Since you ARE married and he is a permanent part of your daughter's life - shouldn't she be raised considering him as her father???

    And why not spin the whole sperm donor thing the other way around? Instead of planting the idea in her head that "sperm donor didn't want to be a part of her life" or that "mommy screwed up" - I would instead tell her (when she's older and asks) that you were in a very brief relationship with her bio father and when you found yourself pregnant you CHOSE to have her, love her, and raise her yourself, and that luckily you soon met your current husband who has loved her as his own! How lucky she is! Every family is different, and different does not mean bad or wrong. I don't think you ever have to tell her the hurtful truth that her bio dad doesn't want to be a part of her life... If she's loved and happy and content, you're doing just fine and she'll turn out just fine! And chances are because her step-dad is raising her with you, she probably won't end up being all too inquisitive about her bio dad as she gets older. I think you have lots of time, and the best strategy is to keep conversation at the appropriate age level and as simple as possible.

    But remember this: kids pick up on your tone and sense your feelings. Kids easily accept the truth but are very sensitive to things left unsaid or things said without any sense of conviction; its easy for kids to pick up on the idea that something odd is going on and that it has to do with them and that they must be to blame. So, whatever you do tell her, convey it with pride and conviction and positivity!!!! YOU have to feel good about your family in order for your daughter to feel good about herself!

  6. Alicia Great advice. Thank you. You are right, no matter when I tell her, as long as it is conveying that she is a lucky little girl to be soooo loved, and as long as she has always felt that way, she will be fine.
    I am guessing that as usuall, this comes from my insecurities. Thanks again.

  7. Hi there, this is the first time that I have ever read your blog. And, boy, what a post for me to read the first time visiting.

    My situation is somewhat the same as yours, except that I am the daughter and my bio father chose to walk away. My mother and bio father were married, briefly, long enough for me to be conceived and born. My bio father was abusive to my mother and she divorced him.

    The man that she married is my dad. Plain and simple. Our relationship is not perfect, by any means, but, he is the one that stuck around.

    I cannot remember when I was told about my dad not being my bio father. I do remember how hard it was {and still is} for me to talk about my bio father.

    Sometimes I feel sad that he walked away, and even terminated his parental rights and then other times I am thankful that I did not have to grow with him as my dad.

    My advice to you is simple. You are her mother and you know what is best for her. Tell her when you feel the time is right. However, also make sure that you are ready for the questions she might have. And/or the possibility that she might want to meet her bio father.

    I have struggled with wanting to meet my bio father for years. I am almost 38. I still have not met him. I do not know if he is alive or dead. I have a lot of mixed emotions towards him.

    Be prepared for the mixed emotions that your daughter might experience. For me, I go from wanting to find him, to being perfectly content not knowing where he is. Part of me feels bad when I want to know things, because of the "man" that he was to my mother. Then again, people can change. Then I feel guilty about my dad. I don't want to hurt him, by looking for my bio father.

    Just be as supportive as you can. As honest as possible.

    By the way, you did not screw up. Things happen and everything happens for a reason. The sperm donor took the cowards way out of this situation. You have been there, and will be there for your daughter and she is very lucky to have you.

  8. MeMe Thank you so much for the post. I will read and re-read this when it gets closer to "that time" I will be supportive of her decision no matter what it is. I just hope that she doesn't hate me.

  9. Some of us step-parents are pretty good and it never becomes an issue. No glass slippers were ever needed with my kids.

    Good luck.

  10. I wish I could offer more advice but I think the people who have contributed have done a great job and took the words out of my mouth. I have no experience that ties me in any way to your situation, nor that of your daughter's, but I agree with everyone who said that you just make sure she knows how lucky, and how incredibly loved she is, and how loved you, as her mom, are, too! It's important for her to see that example, and hear that reinforcement of her mom, as well. Best wishes to you and your family, and I look forward to reading more. Thank you for sharing your story and your struggles.

  11. I have absolutely no idea on what is right or not, but as long as you remain honest and open, I don't see how you can go wrong.

    It sounds as though you've got your daughter's best intentions at the forefront, and that's what's important.

    You sound like a great Mommy :)

  12. Trooper Thorn- I am guessing that my daughter will be a tuff cookie and will be able to handle this as long as she knows she has her step father there for her. Thanks
    Jessica Cakuls-Thanks for reading. I appreciate the support.
    Candice- Your words are sweet. Thanks so much

  13. Wait until she is older and tell her the truth. Just make it as positive as possible for her. She will thank you.

    Hugs and Mocha,

  14. You have to make it part of her story from a young age. If she asks questions, answer them in an age-appropriate way. If it's a secret it sounds like there is something bad going on. It was a short relationship that resulted in a beautiful child, which is all she needs to know until she's old enough. Daddy might not have been there in the beginning, but being her Dad isn't about genetics.

  15. Stesha and Shari-Thanks for reading. Everything is so positive and really makes me feel so much better abouth this. Thanks you both for your comments.

  16. It will probably be appropriate when she asks. My niece was adopted from China and looks nothing like my brother and SIL. She asked one day when she was about 3 and they told her the truth. It'll all be about how you handle it. Just like talking about sex.

  17. I do not have children of my own but can imagine how difficult this will be. My good friend adopted a girl from China as well and has been letting her know all along about the fact that she came fromt there. Your situation is a bit more complicated but I like the advice that one of the other women wrote. Just turn the whole situation around into how lucky you are that this happened and that she's got two great parents, even though one of them is not the biological father.