At my last therapy appointment, my doc told me to make sure that I grieve the loss of my marriage. She said, Danielle, I know you. You won't grieve it and you really need to. It is healthy. Take time and feel the loss.
She was right. I have not shed a tear over it yet. I don't think that I will. I want to, but I can't for some reason. I cried during the marriage a lot and I think I justify the fact that I got over it during the marriage, so I shouldn't grieve the ending.
When my parents divorced, I was 30 years old and although it was dysfunctional, it was all I ever knew and I did not cry. I had always wished that they would get divorced when I was little. I was angry over being thrown in the middle and the way things went down, but I didn't grieve the actual ending of the only thing that was ever constant in my life. I justify. About 5 years later, I had a breakdown about it, but come on, 5 years later? WTF?
When my grandmother, the most wonderful, influential person I have ever known, died, I did not grieve. I think about her every single day and I miss her so much, but I did not cry. I justify in my mind that she was old, lived a great, happy life and died from Alzheimer's. She did not go through any pain and was smiling when she passed. She also lived in a different state my whole life, so I didn't see her on a daily basis. I justify.
Although, my other grandparents and I weren't as close, they were a part of my life and when they passed, I did not cry. Again, we weren't as close and we lived in different states and therefore I did not see them often. This is what I tell myself for my lack of tears. I justify.
I have only really been devastated by 2 break ups in my life. One when I was 19 years old and one during my big change in careers, and financial situation. Now I have had MANY break ups, and only grieved 2. Neither of which were my long term relationships. I justify.
However, I will cry at the drop of a hat when criticized about my parenting skills or I think about something happening to my daughter or I fell like I am insignificant. I bawled when my daughter acted up on the plane and when I was in jail. But I can't seem to cry at LOSS.
I know this is something that I need to work on right now. I know that I can not/should not date until I have felt all of the emotions that I am supposed to over the ending of my marriage. Even if it takes years of alone time, I need to wait until it happens. I need to learn and experience what it feels like to feel and understand what it means to be done, over or gone. I can't justify it anymore.
I need to feel. Period.