I find myself at a crossroads right now in my life. I know I have stated lately that I am trying to figure out who I am what I am all about, and in doing so I have started to realize that I have a lot of people in my life that are unhealthy for me and my growth right now. So I think that I need to start the weeding process immediately.
It is all about having boundaries, which I have never had before. Before I had my daughter, I went out, I looked for attention, drank heavily and was all about the party. Some of my friends don’t understand that life has changed for me now and that’s not the person I am anymore. Instead of being true to my heart and brain, I have indulged these people because I have no boundaries. I feel guilty saying no, I want to please my friends. I feel pressure form them to go out. I feel like when I say no, they push, prod and manipulate me into giving in. I have been weak. I have let people in my life that are self absorbed and don’t respect the fact that I can not always be there for there self centered needs every time they beckon me. I have a child now and she needs to be my first priority. I have to watch every dime that I spend because my bills and my daughters needs come before my drinking and dinning out. I am not saying that I won’t be there for my friends when they are in need, but going out can not be a staple in my life right now as it can be for a few of my friends that have kid free week ends and no money worries. I have a few friends that are so focused on finding a man , getting attention and being seen, and for some reason think that we all need to be there for them on there quest. I can not do this right now in my life and still respect myself and still learn about who I am. It is time that I grow some and stand up for me for a change.
Apparently I had an eye opening week end. In fact, I seem to be having a lot of eye opening events happening in my life as of late. Maybe it’s because I am actually opening my eyes and seeing for the first time. I realized that I don’t really like to go out anymore or at least not in the same way as my friends. I enjoy having dinner and a drink or two and then going home. I want to include my daughter, not leave her with my mom all of the time. I know that momma needs some go out fun time too, but not every week end. Not even every month.
I want to have a variety of friends and I want to feel comfortable if I choose to co-mingle some of them sometimes. I don’t want to feel bad if I invite someone out that is not a part of that particular group. Can’t we all just get a long? Aren’t we all in fact grown up now and not in possessive junior high school-ish clicks? Why are some things good for some people and not for others?
I just need to step back for a while and re-evaluate. Define my boundaries, and figure out what I want.