I find myself at a crossroads right now in my life. I know I have stated lately that I am trying to figure out who I am what I am all about, and in doing so I have started to realize that I have a lot of people in my life that are unhealthy for me and my growth right now. So I think that I need to start the weeding process immediately.
It is all about having boundaries, which I have never had before. Before I had my daughter, I went out, I looked for attention, drank heavily and was all about the party. Some of my friends don’t understand that life has changed for me now and that’s not the person I am anymore. Instead of being true to my heart and brain, I have indulged these people because I have no boundaries. I feel guilty saying no, I want to please my friends. I feel pressure form them to go out. I feel like when I say no, they push, prod and manipulate me into giving in. I have been weak. I have let people in my life that are self absorbed and don’t respect the fact that I can not always be there for there self centered needs every time they beckon me. I have a child now and she needs to be my first priority. I have to watch every dime that I spend because my bills and my daughters needs come before my drinking and dinning out. I am not saying that I won’t be there for my friends when they are in need, but going out can not be a staple in my life right now as it can be for a few of my friends that have kid free week ends and no money worries. I have a few friends that are so focused on finding a man , getting attention and being seen, and for some reason think that we all need to be there for them on there quest. I can not do this right now in my life and still respect myself and still learn about who I am. It is time that I grow some and stand up for me for a change.
Apparently I had an eye opening week end. In fact, I seem to be having a lot of eye opening events happening in my life as of late. Maybe it’s because I am actually opening my eyes and seeing for the first time. I realized that I don’t really like to go out anymore or at least not in the same way as my friends. I enjoy having dinner and a drink or two and then going home. I want to include my daughter, not leave her with my mom all of the time. I know that momma needs some go out fun time too, but not every week end. Not even every month.
I want to have a variety of friends and I want to feel comfortable if I choose to co-mingle some of them sometimes. I don’t want to feel bad if I invite someone out that is not a part of that particular group. Can’t we all just get a long? Aren’t we all in fact grown up now and not in possessive junior high school-ish clicks? Why are some things good for some people and not for others?
I just need to step back for a while and re-evaluate. Define my boundaries, and figure out what I want.
There will always be those girls that have to have their little group. No outsiders, you know, unless so deemed by the Gods they are in their own minds.
ReplyDeleteMost people grow up, and grow out of such foolishness and immaturity. But, there are those that carry that "gotta fit in" mantra through their entire lives.
Sad really. It's exhausting trying to be what you think your friends want, or like. Much simpler to like who you are, be who you are, and show it. Because really, at the end of the day, if you are doing things just to fit in, that aren't really you anymore, those friends aren't really friends are they?
Friends, real friends rather, support you, love you, know your needs, and are there for you no matter what. It's a two way street.
Anyway, happy Monday!
I would rather chew my own arm off than have a typical "night out". You know the ones where you go out at midnight, get pie eyed drunk and stumble home at 4:00am. That crap is NOT fun anymore and hasn't been for a long time.
ReplyDeleteI think it's good that you're looking at what's healthy for you and your family. No progress unless you question the status quo, right?
Opening your eyes will also mean you will be able to let new people into your life that understand where you are now.
ReplyDeleteWhat an inspiring post today and talk about a lightbulb moment! You have certainly matured and yes, you will never look back and regret spending time with your daughter over spending time with so-called friends.
ReplyDeleteGood for you.
what a hard place you are in..and yet so healthy! There is a really good book called 'boundaries' by Henry Cloud. learning how to say no! Something I am still learning!! I encourage you to start doing things (depending on your free time..I know you are a busy mom)..like going to library story time, or the park..you will meet other mommies.! and they will GET where you are! They might not be your BFF's! They will not share your history, but they will understand your present!! YOu are doing a great job! it is an adjustment but you are willing and able and taking the steps needed to do it all well! YOU ROCK!!!!!
ReplyDeleteSince I moved to NC I don't have a whole lot of friends here, the ones I do have don't understand why I refuse to go to a bar, it's just not fun to me anymore! Now dinner and drinks...I'm fine with!
ReplyDeleteIf your friends can't understand that your daughter comes first then they're really not your true friend! It's a good thing that you're reevaluating the people in your life! Best of luck to you!
I think that it will be a lot easier once you get through the first few "No thanks." Because eventually the invotes will stop coming, and you will find out who your real friends are.
ReplyDeleteDanielle, I so...so can relate. Children change us in the most fundamental of ways. The moment you open your eyes every morning you are actually thinking of someone else's needs, not yours. I swear you breathe differently, listen closer, feel deeper. Be strong. Kori is right, after the first few, "no thanks" you will find your center. The balancing point. Cherish the people that really GET you--it's funny, I find I don't need as many as I used to. One or two kindred souls fill me up.
ReplyDeleteReally nice post, I want a nice group of girlfriends, too !
ReplyDeleteI wish you a happy 2010 with your daughter !
You already know my thoughts about all this - and that I get it and have your back.
ReplyDeleteNo one ever said growth was easy. ;)
I totally agree. I have my daughter Thurs-Mon every week since she was born because her mom is still a professional bartender/party girl. When I decided to stay at home on the weekends and not go out anymore, guess what? Those friends I spent five nights a week with at happy hour went there anymore. Frankly I don't actually give a shit either, when I did go out with them I was bored, they seemed so stupid. I realized that I acted like an idiot, was a jerk to people, and totally self absorbed myself. I'm lucky some of my real friends from high school and college stuck with me. I have made new friendships, rekindled old ones, and learned I can still have fun every once in a while, but hanging out with kiddo is much more worth it.
ReplyDeleteI really liked this post and you seem to have the right mindset, keep it up!
Wow...look at you, you're all growns up.
ReplyDeleteI had to move to a new city and start over. My old friends were like leeches. It was the best move that I ever made!
I'm proud of you Mama!
I can't say it any better than April did sweet pea. Children make all the old priorities in life ... seem so not important anymore.
ReplyDeleteYou're a strong gorgeous woman, D. And a great mom. Keep it up.
this was a very deep and very real post. sometimes it's painful to realize and accept, but once we have kids, we get put on the back burner in order for them to have everything they need. you're doing a good job. it's not glorious, it's not glamorous...but it's all that really matters in the end.
ReplyDeleteWhat qtmama said.
ReplyDeleteAs you removed the weeds, you make room for flowers to take root and grow.
Good on you, Danielle!
Learning boundaries and weeding are two of the most important things you can do right now. And re-prioritizing in life. All of which you are doing.
ReplyDeleteYou do you, Danielle. Sounds slightly ghetto, but I think it's damn good advice. :)
ReplyDeleteMore power to ya, sister. I think this process can happen more than once in life. And it's 100% in our best interest to surround ourselves with people who support us and facilitate growth. Good for you for opening your eyes to the stuff that's not working. I hope you're able to sort it all out without too much guilt.
ReplyDeleteYou are so thoughtful toward your daughter, and incredibly self aware. It's good to know your boundaries, and it can be hard when they shift. You really get to know yourself when you decide you can no longer run with the pack the way you used to. Doesn't mean you won't have fun - just different fun.
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful post Danielle! I love this.
ReplyDeleteAs you create boundaries and decide what you want your life to look like, those people will naturally fall away. No need to feel guilty about it. And who knows, when they decide to focus on other things in life, they may come back and form a new friendship with you.
You, my dear, are growing in leaps and bounds!
Danielle, thank you for stopping by my blog. Having children really does change you...for the better. Also, being a homebody is homey! :)
ReplyDelete-Pippi
We all change, dear heart. Your TRUE friends will accept such changes and support you wholeheartedly.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great opportunity for you to discover who your true friends are. Good luck!
Danielle, I'll send you the link privately (to that thing you asked me about from my blog) :)
ReplyDeletePippi