Monday, December 6, 2010

Getting a grip on fear.

Here I am again, not knowing where to begin. So I guess I just start writing my fears down and go from there.

1) I fear being left.

2) I fear being hurt.

3) I fear being cheated on.

4) I fear being happy because I know it is just a matter of time before that will change.

5) I fear that I will let my daughter down by not teaching her to be healthy mentally.

6) I fear what other people think of me.

7) I fear being alone forever.

8) I fear never being really loved by a man.

9) I fear my anger.

10) I fear my insecurities.

11) I fear my controlling behavior.

12) I fear figuring out how to love myself and that I will never be able to fully do it.

13) I fear becoming my father.

14) I fear becoming my grandmother.

15) I fear getting fat.

16) I fear getting old.

17) I fear being judged.

18) I fear that fate is paying me back for all of the crap I have done in my life.

19) I fear that I will never be financially independent on others.

20) I fear that I will ruin every relationship that I have by fearing all of this.

I realize that everyone has fears. I realize that we can become stronger by looking straight into the eye of fear and denying it. My fears are beating me right now. They are getting the best of me and I can’t get control of them. They are causing me to ruin things that could have been good if it weren’t for fear of ruining them.

I am creating my own fears and then letting them do exactly what I fear the most.

So now what?


  1. I think you are doing the right thing by identifying the fears. Next, you figure out how to beat them. Easier said than done, right?

  2. I agree that facing your fears is the first step, and I applaud you for that. I wish there was a quick fix I could offer you, but of course that is impossible. All I can say is that if you work on yourself, the fears about other people slowly begin to slip away. I would recommend some kind of therapy-for me, going to Al-Anon is helping me address all those fears and become more comfortable with who I am.

    And? I send hugs. You are brave and strong, this I know for sure.

  3. When you stop fearing things you have stopped caring. And only THAT should really scare you.


    Ps. Your posts read: BUILDING STRENGTH to me.

  4. "What you fear, you create."

    I can't remember where I saw this quote but I think it has *some* validity.

    That said, I have a lot of the same fears as you do. Do I hide them well? ;)

    And FWIW, I think you're doing great!

  5. I echo what BiGSis said. You've identified what you fear... in the RedShoes World of Journaling, I would now write about each of the fears you've identified.. and dissect them. You may be closer to your answers than you can believe...

    #20 stands out... That's almost like a 'Self Fulfilling Prophesy'... Sometimes one just has to step out on that thin ice, sweetie. Just make sure the depth of the water underneath that thin ice isnt too deep.. ;o)


  6. I think we all fear that. It is not letting yourself get down about it. I know that is easier said then done but fears are what mold us into who we are. When we face them and do what it is in spite of it all.

    One of my favorite quotes: "“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.”"

  7. So which fears do you have little or no control over? Might be a place to start.

    #6 stands out to me. It took me 8 years, a crisis, and counseling for me to understand my stbx's overwhelming need for approval from others. I know for a fact that my lack of understanding (and therefore encouragement) played a huge part in the failure of our marriage. While it would be nice if that were a fear you conquered, it's certainly not unreasonable to look for a guy that already understands it and knows how to encourage you. It should be something more of us guys look out for.

  8. Pfft. We ALL have those same fears, D. Welcome to the club! ;)

    I think the main thing that helps me is to realize that just because I fear something, it doesn't make the possibility of it go away. In fact, you'll start noticing ways that it's REAL even when it's not!

    How about start with this:

    Take each fear and turn it around. Because either choice could happen, right? It's 50/50 either way.

    For instance, "I fear being left."

    Instead say to yourself, there is as much of a chance that I will be in a committed relationship for the rest of my life as there is a chance of me being left.

    Instead of, "I fear getting old" say I am getting wiser and stronger and more beautiful day by day. (And read my blog post today too. ;)

    Grow, girl, GROW!

  9. One thing at a time....small victories build courage and strength and confidence. Expect setbacks but don't let them define you OR defeat you. EVERYONE has them. The difference is that some people accept it and approach tomorrow as a new chance and others do not.

    You got this one, girl. For every fear, list a strength...

  10. We all do have our own fears. You're not alone. I can't say much else... There's not much I have figured out in life, but your friends here have some great words.

  11. Being able to actually compose a list of your fears is a step in overcoming them. But ... don't look at the list as a whole, tackle one at a time. Start with the fear of yourself - control issues and insecurities. You won't banish your fears overnight, it's going to be a long and tough struggle. I think once you get yourself on a path of improvement in the areas you know need to be improved, the rest of the list will take care of itself.

    By realizing you don't want to be your father or grandmother, you won't become like them. The not getting fat part is easy - you know what to do there! Getting old, well - that's gonna happen but you can get way better with age so that's a plus.

    You're going to do fine with your daughter.

    And look at you making strides already by knowing what you fear and what you don't want!

  12. I really can't add much more than all your commenter's already said. They all have such great comments. You are doing great, keep writing your thoughts out and just tackle the ones you can for now.

  13. A few years ago when I was in counseling, we were talking about my fears (I had/have plenty of them). She told me to go ahead and ask myself, "What if?" What if my worst fears actually came true? By imagining the (realistic) worst case scenario, I was better able to work with and manage my fears. Some of them I've even been able, with a lot of hard work, to outright BEAT.

    And girl, if *I* can do that, than anyone can.

  14. Personally, I think you're wonderful, fears and all....

  15. Nice to see you back up here......

    I could identify with everything except for your daughter because I don't have one.

    You did the right thing by identifying your fears. Now I think you need counseling. I started, and it is a start.

    Sometimes I think the fear is actually worse than any of this happening.

  16. So, you are afraid of life and not being perfect.
    So you've got if figured out now---if you do something, you might make a mistake--you might get hurt---you might hurt someone---so if you do nothing then the only one you will hurt is you.
    Aint life a bitch---if you get out there and live it, there is no doubt that occasionally, it will bite you on the arse and it will hurt--but isn't it worthwhile getting bit occasionally and enjoying the rest of the time.
    I'm sorry lovely lady, but you will only get one guarantee---you will get older---the rest of it, you just have to live through it--oh, except one---while that baby girl is smiling back at you and you dont do anything really bad to her, you will never be alone.
    Now stop thinking and start living---the world is waiting for you

  17. baby this is it?

    you know what this means right?

    you... are just like the rest of us, normal. Everybody has these fears from time to time and if they say not then they have one other... the fear of telling the truth. You girl are Normal and beautiful and your only problem is being able to let somebody tell you that and believe it. But thats another problem we all have from time to time. these fears are always going to be here... its how you deal with them and girl you have the strenght... just go with it, live it...

    now come give me a kiss and get over that fear.... *grins*

  18. I don't really think you're that different from anyone else. We ALL have fears, and sometimes we let those fears keep us in one place.

    The real problem with fear is when it gets in the way and impacts the quality of your life.

    It's great to recognize your fears. Now what will you do about them?

  19. I fear many of those things too. You are brave just by listing them.

  20. You are incredibly brave for voicing the fears that all of us are too afraid to give a name to. Thank you for sharing.

  21. My love, as many have already said--we all have these fears. For me, the difference in my day, in my life--is focus, not fear. It's like parenting...there is a lot of CRAP that goes with parenting. The laundry, the groceries, the messes, the disrespect, the daily GRIND....and if this is what I focused on, I would really live in a mess of frustration and unhappiness. But all of those things are WORTH it for your daughter, right? Many of these fears are often the by-product of living in a human world full of human error. Pain is a part of life. Absolutely unavoidable. But we are amazingly able to heal--mainly through forgiving others and ourselves--and love again. Live again. Laugh and sing and ebrace the miracle that IS life. So much of the pain and fear in our there because we haven't let go of it yet.

    Just food for thought....adore you.

  22. Feel free to tell me to shut up as I regurgitate what I learned in therapy :) So I was totally afraid of being alone. I can relate to a lot of things on your list up there. And one thing that helped me immensely, was to play out the scenario in my head - actually write it out. Sort of how I would cope if I never got married and was alone the rest of my life. Amazingly, after I did that, I didn't feel afraid anymore. I knew no matter what, I would be okay. And once I let go of that fear, it opened up space in my life for good things to come in.

    Remind yourself every day that you deserve happiness. Because you do. YOU DESERVE IT. We all do.

  23. I try to not read comments before commenting, but knowing what you fear is good. Don't forget that there are some fears you can work on to prevent them from happening, some you can't control. And people who don't dream or try/experience stuff don't have fears, but is it better?

  24. You identify them. You recognize them.

    And then you push past them and don't let them control who you are and what makes you happy.

    We all have them. *hugs*

  25. Good job identifying your fears. A lot of people are afraid and angry and have no idea why. Next step is to figure out how to deal with the fears. DO you just acknowledge they are there and try to live the best life you can live in spite of them? Do you face them head on and try to defeat them? Do you overcome them? Do you let them go?

    When I left the father of my baby (he was beating me and I needed to leave to live) I felt like the worse mother on the planet. I had doubts and fears. ONe of my fears was that I was a bad mom for depriving my baby of her dad. Others saw me as a great mom because I saved my baby's life. When I looked at it that way it lessened the fear a little. By re-examining my fears I was able to dismiss some of them completely. As my confidence grew my fears lessened. Good luck on your journey!

  26. fear is dumb.
    Don't fear being old, fear NOT getting old, Sheeesh.

    It'll get better.