I am not trying to get compliments with this post. I am simply stating how I feel even if I know how ridiculous it sounds. There is a part of me hoping that we as a society can stop the younger generation from feeling this way. I know that I am not alone in my struggle with my body image.
One of my favorite bloggers did a post recently on how her self image affects her.
As I was reading it, a light went off and I realized “holy shit” I do the exact same thing and it can literally predetermine how my whole day will go and how I interact with others.
I obsess about how I look, how fat I feel and how I am not as perfect as I would like to be or as perfect as I perceive the girl next to me to be. There are days when I look in the mirror and want to scratch my eyes out. There are days when I am feeling bloated and fat and I want to hide.
Since I can’t do that, I come out swinging.
I will pick fights with people I love just because my pants are too tight that day. I will have zero patience with my daughter just because my arms don’t look tone in the sleeveless shirt I am wearing. I will yell at a co-worker because my hair is too frizzy that day. If I am dating someone and I think the girl next to me looks better, OMG, they won’t even know what hit them. I won’t come out and say, hey, I am feeling insecure. Instead I will either get mad at something else or just clam up.
I don’t think I even realized that I do this to the extent that it happens until I read her post. My perceived appearance literally controls me every single minute of my day.
In my head I know this is ridiculous and yet I can’t stop myself from the self hatred.
She mentioned in her post that she can pinpoint the moment that she started to feel this way and when I look back at my child hood that moment is not so obvious to me. However, I do remember from a very early age, I am guessing 7 or 8 years old being very conscious of how I looked to other people. It seems like the more attractive I made myself, the more positive attention I received. Obviously, that is perceived positive attention, but in a way, I do think that society treats “beautiful” people better. My girlfriend in Jr. High was amazingly beautiful and I was always envious of how she was treated. Girls wanted to be her friend and every guy wanted to date her. Even the teachers treated her different, better. I realize now that I was always more insecure around her than some of my other friends. Why do we do this???? Why do we put external beauty on a pedestal?
Why can I not see what others tell me? When am I going to see what others do? When am I going to allow myself to appreciate all of my hard work? When am I going to see the real me and not what the mirror shows me?