Monday, August 17, 2009

Eww, did you see that train wreck?

I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I haven't been talking a lot about my home life because I am really trying to figure out where I go wrong in relationships and why. Basically trying to figure out why every relationship that I have ever had has gone down the exact same path. One of my favorite sayings is "Look for what the common denominator is in a situation and fix it?" Well folks, guess what it is? ME ME ME.

My childhood was not ideal at all and I know that a lot of my issues stem from that, but I am 38 and I haven't let go. I am actually letting stuff that happened 30+ years ago dictate ME as a grown women with a 2 year old child.

I had some really deep issues with my mother for a very long time. We literally didn't speak for years at a time when I was in my 20's. Finally when her and my dad got divorced after 30 years it all came to a head and we went to a councilor. My mother always said, "I did the best I could" and until we went and saw someone I felt as though that was such a cop out. The best you could screwed me up and that is all you have to say? Any way, my mom finally acknowledged that she was a horrible parent and that she was sorry and whalla!!! No more anger towards her. I even understand who she was back then and why she did the things she did. I might even have gone that route in her situation. I guess I just needed her to acknowledge my anger about it. We have been the best of friends since then with very few, minor fights along the way.

So why, if I can let that stuff go, can't I get a friggin grip when it comes to my relationships, my anger, my controlling ways, and my insecurities? Every relationship starts the same way. I am fun, outgoing, easygoing, happy etc... and them BAM, the feelings start and I get Weird! This usually starts a huge circle of shit. Like I get controlling and jealous over something, then I feel stupid and think I have ruined everything. Then I get insecure and the cycle repeats its self. The guy ends up shutting down (do you blame them?) I beg and blame them for a while, then I shut down. Then the guy wants to work things out and I am just done.

This post is really hard for me to write because I am so ego driven and I am basically confessing to being a full blown, eye turning, train wreck.

I guess it is becoming painfully real to me given that I am about to be divorced after only 1 year of marriage and I have a very impressionable little girl looking for me to not screw her up. I need to fix me and I don't know how to. I have started counseling again and am reading a lot of books. I write as I read them and really try to think and tie things together. I am trying to think before I speak and I am trying to think of why I am saying and feeling the things I do.

The hard part for me is trying to change the behavior that I have had my whole life. Even when I think I know where it stems from, when it is ingrained in you, how do you change it?

I really really really want to get healthy for my self and my daughters sake. I don't think my marriage will be able to be saved because for as much as I am to blame (and believe me, I am to blame) my husband has some very BIG issues that he isn't willing to change. So for now, all I can do is work on me and try to do what is right for my little one's future.

And why wouldn't you want to see this happy!!!!
The pictures are supposed to go here, but I am Blog illiterate and don't know how to get them to the bottom. So instead, it looks like I am saying my kiddo is a train wreck. WTF


  1. oh girl, I had no idea things have gotten so bad. Big big hug. It sounds like you're truly diving into the personal self-growth stuff and I applaud you for that! It IS very difficult to change ingrained ways, but understanding the source is half the battle - and you're doing so much more than most people ever attempt to do - understand. And just know that you're not alone - i think many if not most people, myself includes, have insecurity issues that plague our relationships. You so are not a train wreck - I think this post proves you're an amazing mom and a truth-seeker person. I'm here for ya.

  2. First off very cute pics.

    You sound like you're on the right road. Working on it will mean a lot to Toots. I started working on myself when my son was 1 1/2 years. I've been divorced since then. 8 years later my relationship with my son is the best. My relationships are better than they use to be, but they still need work. It's hard because some you have to work on your own and some you can only do in a relationship. A suggestion is Hendrix - Finding the Love You Want to help with some answers. I'll be rooting for you.

  3. Your daughter is adorable ! When I looked at the title, and I saw her in the paint, I thought you were gonna write how your house became a train wreck.

    Here is what I think about the rest.....

    I had the same issues with my mom growing up, and recently forgave her myself. Like you, all I wanted was her to acknowlege my pain, and when she finally did I felt better.

    And yet I still have issues in relationships with men.

    The only thing I can offer up, is to be proud of how far you have come and not be so hard on yourself. If you continue to be so hard on yourself, I think that will hinder your growth. It seems like you are focusing on your weakenesses instead of acknowleging your progress.

    Admitting what you just did in this entry is the first step, and that takes guts. How long did it take to make that realization ? I am sure it didn't come overnight. I think that will be the same with the rest of your progress: slow, but steady steps.

    I think your daughter is young enough that these changes won't be too drastic for her. It only gets harder as the child gets older. So you making changes now, shows that you are doing what's best for her immediately.

    You are already being a role model for her, and doing your best. That's all you can do.

    I am sorry to hear about your marriage, and I pray for the best.

    I sound like a damn Hallmark card, I will step off my soap box now.

  4. 1. your daughter is gorgeous. and i'm a photographer so i see kids all the time - so i like to think that my opinion isn't b.s.

    2. first know that you're certainly not alone. everyone has issues from their past. even kids with nearly perfect childhoods (like mine) are messed up for different reasons. then of course, we grow up and experience even more damaging crap, which just makes us even more weird...

    There really is no answer for this, unfortunately. there's no cure. i personally believe that it's a conscious effort you have to make a decision that you won't fall into the trap of negativity and fear and you won't let past emotions overwhelm u. a nearly impossible feat, i know. nothing can ever change your past or make it better or remove it from your memory. but what i do know is that when you stop putting so much pressure on yourself in relationships, that is the only time they seem to work out.

  5. CMC-Mike-Senorita-Blunt delivery- Thank you all for your very helpful and nice comments. I guess the fact that I know there is a problem and am willing to work on it is the first step. Plus being able to write it down and have you all support me is eye opening. Thanks so much.
    Blunt-I love your opinion of my baby. Thanks, So why don't you show more of your photography on your blog. I would love to see it.

  6. First off, give yourself some credit. You've done enough soul searching to know what you need to fix. You have your priorities in line in that you're focused on making everything right for your daughter. You're sounding pretty realistic about things. And you're taking steps to improve those things over which you have control.

    Work as hard as you can and do the best that you can. Your daughter will see this and appreciate it. And ultimately respect you for it (even though she's young!!). All else will come in time.

  7. Kathy B- I love hearing this from you. You just seem so healthy.

  8. Adorable daughter. Oh, I weep for your future with her. Don't let her out the front door when she is a teen!

    As for the rest, I'm sorry you are stuggling. Be true to yourself. I can relate big time...

  9. For the pictures, just grab the HTML code and paste it at the bottom.

    Tried to add you to my facebook but yours won't come up from your blog page. : (

  10. Hey, Danielle. First of all, thanks for all the kind and encouraging comments you've left on my blog. As you have read, I have my own train wreck-esque crap going on.

    Second, *sigh*, I hear ya. I think that I have a similar cycle in my relationships with guys. I think that I'm starting (note: keyword is "starting") to figure out how to change it. But, yeah, it takes TIME. And it takes PATIENCE and grace and mercy and kindness with/to ourselves.

    We all have our pasts and we all have those f*cked up relationships with our parents that screw us up. The good news is that we can choose NOT to do that to our children. The bad news? We aren't perfect either.

    Perhaps, instead of discussing blogging, this should be our topic at the next GNO. Might do all of our hearts some good.

    Just know you're not alone and there's a lot of empathy going on here. Oh! And don't call yourself a trainwreck. Think of it more as a funky home under construction. ;)

  11. PS Your Toots is BEAUTIFUL! What a cutie!

  12. Awkward- Yeah, my kiddo is cute hugh. Thanks for the encouragement.
    PorkStar- I am trying to fix my facebook. I guess I have it on some sort of block. Thanks for stopping by.
    Amira- Thank you so much for that. I know I am not alone, and it is so nice to hear that. I agree with the next GNO topic. We can all help eachother get strong.

  13. Ahh Danielle, I wish I had these great, fabulous wonderful MAGIC words of advice but alas, I have not. But I'm here in virtual land, sending you good vibes and I'm also going to tell you what I told Amira.

    Drink Vodka. Pear, Mango and Citron are all good, you hooch.


  14. I am hoping that the above comment is a joke, becuase really? Vodka makes problems go away? Hm. Not for me or anyone I kow! : )

    I think you are on the right track, for whatever that's worth. I have had many of hte same issues in my life, and at nearly 38 am still just beginning to deal with some of the damage done to me 30 years ago. It is a process, I think, picking out the unnecessary garbage and sorting through it to find what is still useable. And sometimes you have to burn it all. Counseling is great, being aware that you can only fix YOU is great, and all I can REALLY say is do what you need to do to get okay, and be gentle with yourself while you are doing it.

    AND: sending you hugs. It bites sometimes to have to take personal responsbility, you know?

  15. Okay so it was a joke. Although for a couple of hours? NO PROBLEMS. ;)

  16. qt-I gotcha sister. Red wine is my Vodka!!! Thank you for the virtual vibes.
    Kori-Thank you for the words. I hope you are doing ok. I hate that you signed off for a few days.

  17. Reprogramming yourself, and how you react to situations is hard work. A lot of people don't even try. Good for you for having the self awareness to know you want to change. You're on the right track.

  18. funny that you mention that - i will be announcing my photography blog SOON! it's almost ready

  19. Since I'm new to your blog I was just going back and reading some of your older this comment is a little behind the times but I wanted to give at least some quick words of encouragement.

    That kind of self work is hard, give yourself big credit and pats on the back for putting in the work.