This may seem like an “I hate life, whoa is me” post, but it isn’t. This is just me trying to figure out which piece of the puzzle to put together first. I am so excited to finally be working towards real self happiness.
I don’t feel sorry for myself at all. I actually feel like a huge weight has been lifted with just the realization of needing to change/fix the way I am. I see people that are happy and in healthy, mature relationships, and I think that is going to be me some day soon. (Not too soon, but within the next decade or so) I see people that don’t financially struggle and I think, see it is possible, I was there once, and I can get there again. I see people truly liking their own bodies and being physically fit and I think I am already working on this and seeing results although the physical part is the easy part. It all gives me hope and a feeling that it does exist, I just don’t know where to start with so many areas that need fixing.
I have been listening to the “Secret” and “The Law of Attraction” and I have to say that I am torn on what I think about it. This also means that it won’t work for me until I can believe it whole heartedly. They say with absolutely no doubts. I have doubts! Lots of them.
On the one hand, I completely get the concept behind positive thinking and that people are drawn to positive people and things. I believe that positive attitudes are infectious, and so on. I do think that if you believe in something with all of your heart, that you will work harder or take steps to achieve it. I really think that I get the concept. But…
How do I get to that point? I am not at a point in my searching to know all of the specifics about what I want, or to believe in something so strongly with NO doubts, at all, that I am beaming with happiness about it. I have never known or been shown how to do this. I was not raised to not doubt and question things. I was not raised to put my faith in someone else’s hands. I was not raised to trust blindly or for that matter, to trust myself. I was taught that you have to fight for everything and that life will always try to trip you up. I know that this sounds sick and right about now I am questioning my childhood more than ever, but my family were self proclaimed realists who had to fight for almost everything. Other than my mother and grandmother, I have never had unconditional love shown to me. Nor have I ever been able to give it to anyone besides them or my daughter. This includes me loving myself, which is my biggest problem and the first one that I need to FIX.
Maybe you have to be further along in the “I am healthy stage” than I am to get how to “put it out there” I don’t know how to not doubt. I have so many fears and so much to fix within my self, that sometimes I feel like I am drowning and don’t know which life boat to grab onto first. Thank god I have life boats available though. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t suffer from depression or anything that makes me feel like it is not worth it. Actually just the opposite. I have always seen better days, so I know that I have things to look forward to.
Where does someone that doesn’t yet love themselves start trying to fix themselves? To really love myself, I think that I need to fix something’s. It feels like the chicken/egg. Like a never ending figure 8.
I know that you have to start somewhere, but every time I have an “ahha” moment, my mind goes in circles and I feel like I am trying to catch my tail. I know that I need to fix “this”, then something else pops into my head and then I start thinking that I can’t fix “this” until I fix “this” and around I go until I can’t remember where it all began. Kind of like this way this post is going. In circles. Lol.
Has anyone else out there ever been so far removed from your own beliefs and values that you really don’t know who the real you is anymore?
I know that I can do it. I know that I am meant to spend the rest of my life being a better me. Now I just need to figure out who me is.