Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Trying to catch the proverbial tail!

This may seem like an “I hate life, whoa is me” post, but it isn’t. This is just me trying to figure out which piece of the puzzle to put together first. I am so excited to finally be working towards real self happiness.

I don’t feel sorry for myself at all. I actually feel like a huge weight has been lifted with just the realization of needing to change/fix the way I am. I see people that are happy and in healthy, mature relationships, and I think that is going to be me some day soon. (Not too soon, but within the next decade or so) I see people that don’t financially struggle and I think, see it is possible, I was there once, and I can get there again. I see people truly liking their own bodies and being physically fit and I think I am already working on this and seeing results although the physical part is the easy part. It all gives me hope and a feeling that it does exist, I just don’t know where to start with so many areas that need fixing.

I have been listening to the “Secret” and “The Law of Attraction” and I have to say that I am torn on what I think about it. This also means that it won’t work for me until I can believe it whole heartedly. They say with absolutely no doubts. I have doubts! Lots of them.

On the one hand, I completely get the concept behind positive thinking and that people are drawn to positive people and things. I believe that positive attitudes are infectious, and so on. I do think that if you believe in something with all of your heart, that you will work harder or take steps to achieve it. I really think that I get the concept. But…

How do I get to that point? I am not at a point in my searching to know all of the specifics about what I want, or to believe in something so strongly with NO doubts, at all, that I am beaming with happiness about it. I have never known or been shown how to do this. I was not raised to not doubt and question things. I was not raised to put my faith in someone else’s hands. I was not raised to trust blindly or for that matter, to trust myself. I was taught that you have to fight for everything and that life will always try to trip you up. I know that this sounds sick and right about now I am questioning my childhood more than ever, but my family were self proclaimed realists who had to fight for almost everything. Other than my mother and grandmother, I have never had unconditional love shown to me. Nor have I ever been able to give it to anyone besides them or my daughter. This includes me loving myself, which is my biggest problem and the first one that I need to FIX.

Maybe you have to be further along in the “I am healthy stage” than I am to get how to “put it out there” I don’t know how to not doubt. I have so many fears and so much to fix within my self, that sometimes I feel like I am drowning and don’t know which life boat to grab onto first. Thank god I have life boats available though. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t suffer from depression or anything that makes me feel like it is not worth it. Actually just the opposite. I have always seen better days, so I know that I have things to look forward to.

Where does someone that doesn’t yet love themselves start trying to fix themselves? To really love myself, I think that I need to fix something’s. It feels like the chicken/egg. Like a never ending figure 8.

I know that you have to start somewhere, but every time I have an “ahha” moment, my mind goes in circles and I feel like I am trying to catch my tail. I know that I need to fix “this”, then something else pops into my head and then I start thinking that I can’t fix “this” until I fix “this” and around I go until I can’t remember where it all began. Kind of like this way this post is going. In circles. Lol.

Has anyone else out there ever been so far removed from your own beliefs and values that you really don’t know who the real you is anymore?

I know that I can do it. I know that I am meant to spend the rest of my life being a better me. Now I just need to figure out who me is.


  1. I have a simplified approach. I try to always be open minded and live in the moment. And since I feed off of other people's energy, I try not to stick around close minded pessimistic people too much. Or I just make fun of them mercilessly. So at least I'm entertained.

  2. You should give yourself more credit. The fact that you are examining your life the way you do is a huge step in the right direction.

    I am a huge believer in The Secret as well. However, that DVD failed to mention a couple of things. You can't get everything you want just by good visualization:

    1.) Sometimes the person you are attracted to doesn't feel the same way. You can't force anyone's feelings.

    2.) Sometimes we are meant to have hard times. Sometimes we are meant to have "failures". Lessons we have to learn that we can't sidestep.

    3.) If you believe in God, if God wills it.

    So if you are not getting what you want, don't be so hard on yourself. Maybe it is something you just have to go through. The Secret kind of blames us for the bad in our lives. Any bad in our lives is a result of our thinking, and I don't buy that completely.

    All I have to say to you is that you are on the right path and please stop being so hard on yourself. You can't just get right all at once.

    All you can do is take this day by day, step by step. Just continue to work on yourself and make yourself happy. You think happy thoughts by making yourself happy. So keep going to the gym, hang out with friends, play with your daughter. Because it's the little steps day by day that turn into bigger steps.

    I hope I don't sound like I am lecturing you. I am feeling the same way you are, and if you keep simply making yourself happy, you will start to put those good vibes out in the universe that will help manifest your biggest desires without overthinking it.

    Good luck !

  3. The positive outlook and attitude play a big part in life. Don't deny yourself the tantrum moments...they can be just as therapeutic.

    Sounds like you're making wonderful progress!

  4. Danielle, Seniorita really says it so eloquently. To quote her, "You are on the right path" All my best, Pippi

  5. This post you wrote struck a nerve inside of me!! I let me (EX) take me so far away from my beliefs and values (and I revolved my life around his), that now I have no idea who I am. And I am, like you said, chasing my tail, trying to find out who I am and who I need to be!! Wow, I am so glad someone else out there understands this feeling (even though yours may not directly be related to your ex, it is the same feeling though).

  6. Danielle,
    Just by wanting to make some changes, you're demonstrating your love for yourself. Babysteps, my dear. Each time I decide to "work on me" I try to identify how these changes will benefit my life. Make a short list (1-4 things) of what you'd like to work on and identify the why behind the what. That usually helps to give me focus.

  7. I've been there!!! It's hard work, and it's a process, and it takes time. Breathe deeply and try to open your heart. I find when anxiety creeps into my heart, my brain starts racing, looking for a solution. And it's those moments where you have to stay with the feeling, let it rise, name it (e.g. "this is fear. Now I know what fear is like" or whatever), stay with it until it dissipates - THEN be happy and grateful for having had that experience. Plus, you build your confidence that you can get through anything.

    I might have to blog about this :-)

    Remember, The Secret is more than positive thinking - it's that plus feeling good. Start each day with joy and gratitude, and see if that good feeling can stick around.

    You're doing great!

  8. Yes, you are on the right path my friend. :)

    I also think Senorita said it well with this:

    "The Secret kind of blames us for the bad in our lives. Any bad in our lives is a result of our thinking, and I don't buy that completely."

    You know I dont buy that because, as you know, sometimes there are factors beyond our control that can negatively impact our life.

    The key is to try to keep the focus on the things you CAN control and not let the negative stuff/people or fear of it bring you down. Easier said than done, I know, but for me that is the only way to stay positive. I also think allowing yourself to feel hurt or disappointment when it happens is healthy as long as you dont get stuck there.

  9. You said,

    "I was taught that you have to fight for everything..."

    And Rascal was taught something very similar about money. So he struggles because of it. And you will struggle too if you believe that life will always be a struggle.

    But dang girl, give yourself some credit. It takes a LOT of self-love to realize that you haven't been self-loving! Let all of this positive thinking stuff meet you where you are. Take what you can and throw the rest out.

    Take small bites... process it... digest it... let it sink in... then take another small bite (i.e. watch The Secret again or read another book)... process it... etc.

    It is truly a life of lessons. You don't have to change everything now! Be patient and kind to yourself. You will be stronger if you absorb each one bit by bit.

    And P.S. LOVED your comment on my post. So true!!

  10. You'll get there girl! Just give yourself some time! Hugs!

  11. It's a noble endeavor and not an easy one. I think you are on the right track. Mindy Mom pretty much said what I think - be positive and focus on things you have control over.

  12. You must have had some positive thoughts somewhere.. you met me! :D

  13. Trust that you are where you are supposed to be right now. Believe that life will get better if you simply keep plugging along, doing your best,giving your best, trying to be your best. And sometimes, when life really overwhelms you, it's okay to let it all out with a really good cry. Then take a deep breath and give yourself a break. You deserve it.

  14. This is kinda weird but, I am most happiest when I am not trying to stay positive. I actually feel better when I am snarky and let it all out. Then I can just accept things the way they are. And for some reason that makes me happy.

  15. Dude. I commented on this yesterday and for some reason it's not here. Sorry about that.

    While I'm not always the most positive of people, here is one thing I DO remember a lot ...

    When life whispers "give up,"
    It's hope that says, "Try one more time."


  16. I'm more like the Blue Zoo. I think that the positivity/happiness/whatever you want to call it comes more organically. I think that we have to acknowledge the world realistically, and THEN we can appreciate all that is right with it.

  17. Maybe you can plan it all out for yourself on paper. Write down what you want to keep, then what you want to discard. Then what new things you want to discard. Don't tackle everything at once, make gradual progress.
    You can do it.